Chances are that you are reading this article because you are mourning the loss of a relationship. This person has treated you badly or unfairly and all you can do is think of how quickly you can get over them and forget them. However, to forget someone you once loved dearly is not an easy task. For some, it might take a few weeks or months while for others, this grieving can go on for years. However, there are some strategies you can use to work towards forgetting and forgiving this person. Let us take a look:
1. Accept the pain
This is the first step of getting over someone who has hurt you really bad. Once you accept the pain and start grieving, you will find it is much easier to forgive the person. If you keep expecting that person to come and apologize to you; you are allowing the very same entity who hurt you to hold you hostage. Instead, once you accept that this person and you are never going to get back together (no matter how difficult this might seem in the beginning) you will feel liberated.
2. Do not reminisce over the memories
This is the hardest step in forgetting someone. Anything and everything will remind you of the times you spent with them. But you must train your mind into not reminiscing over the past. Instead, bring your mind in the present moment. Spend your time creating an amazing future. Throw out all gifts, photos and mementoes of this person. If possible, delete them from your phone so you do not feel tempted to call or message them
3. Avoid things/places that remind you of them
People often start listening to sad songs; some even go to psychics asking about their future and whether there is a chance of getting together with this friend/ex again. These things only become a vicious circle and do more harm than good. Instead create an uplifting playlist. Distract yourself by immersing in studies or work. Hit the gym and build a better body.
4. Spend time with loved ones
Often, when one goes through a breakup or loss, they feel as if they have a huge hole in their heart which can never be healed. To heal this hole, there is only one thing you can do: spend time with people who love you and care for you. Shower all your love and attention on people who are there for you through these trying times. Each time you think of the person who has hurt you deeply, tell your mind “s/he is not that special and does not deserve any space in my head”. It will soon be like a game you play with your mind and this strategy is one of the easiest ones to help you forget someone completely.
5. Give it time
Time is the best healer and forgetting someone will not happen overnight. So give it time, mourn it and soon you will get over hurt feelings in the relationship. You must cut yourself some slack during the mourning/healing period-yes you will get teary and emotional but know that you are not alone and that millions or people have successfully managed to get over hurt feelings in a relationship.
6. Block them on social channels
‘No contact’ is the easiest way of forgetting someone if they have hurt you deeply. You might feel tempted to text or email them or even view their pictures on social media. However, seeing them happy might make you even bitterer. So block the person everywhere you can and avoid stalking them on Facebook, Instagram and other social media platforms.
7. Do not look for rebound relationships
When people are romantically involved with someone, they try to get over the hurt of their breakup by seeking instant gratification elsewhere. Many even jump into bed with others thinking that that will make them heal faster. If you have been dumped by your partner, chances are that you are low on self esteem. This can sometimes make you seek love from strangers which is only destructive behavior and hardly ever gets you anywhere. So avoid rebound relationships.
8. Take care of your body and mind
The easiest way to forget someone is to make ‘you’ your priority. Start eating healthier. Avoid making excuses for showering, shaving, dressing well or hitting the gym. Surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Do not avoid friends-instead go out and have fun. If possible, meditate or do yoga to strengthen mind and body. Get a new haircut. When you look good, you will feel good too. Avoid alcohol and other stimulants. Try to sleep well.
9. Keep a journal
Stop fantasizing that your relationship will get back to what it was. Yes, there are many people who have rebuilt their lives and gotten over relationship setbacks, but these take a lot of work especially when you are talking romantic relationship. Get real through the written word-keep a journal of your thoughts, emotions and feelings. It is an effective tool to stay in the moment and let go of the past.
10. Talk to a therapist
If your grief appears too much to bear, or it has been months and you still aren’t feeling better, talk to a therapist. An experienced therapist can guide you through these intense emotions and also help you overcome obstacles.
If left untreated complicated hurt feelings can lead to significant emotional damage or even suicidal thoughts. Treatment and time can help you feel better. Hope this guide helps you forget someone who hurt you badly.
Going through a breakup can be one of the most heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, anxiety-ridden things anyone can experience. Whether you are the instigator or the party being dumped, breakups are incredibly difficult and it’s important to get over your ex in a healthy way. When the life you were accustomed to, as part of a couple, is suddenly turned upside down, you’ll have to re-learn how to be happy on your own.
Of course, the need to get over someone doesn’t come exclusively after a breakup. You may be besotted with someone who is already in a relationship, a person not wanting to be in a relationship, or someone who’s not interested in you in a romantic way. When this occurs you can either continue hoping that one day something will come of your unrequited love, or you can gather up your strength and let them go.
There have been tons of folks in our favorite TV series, books, and movies who have shown us how not to get over someone in a healthy way. Elle Woods of Legally Blonde follows her ex to Harvard Law School, 500 Days of Summer‘s Tom Hansen’s pining quickly turns into resentment, and an array of females get their “revenge” on cheating males who broke their hearts, as seen in The Other Woman and John Tucker Must Die . None of these methods are particularly good for your wellbeing, so use these tips to help you get over someone in a much healthier way instead.
In an article for Psychology Today, Jennifer Kromberg PsyD wrote, “Even if you are the one that initiated the breakup and believe that the breakup is the best thing for all involved, letting go of a relationship follows the same process as mourning a death.” However, in this case, your friends and family may be happy to see the back of the person you were with (or the person you wanted to be with) so they might not understand that you need some time to heal. But you do.
Suzanne Lachmann Psy.D., also writing for Psychology Today, advised, “Take it one minute or even one second at a time. ItвЂ™s OK to stay in bed and eat a lot of ice cream. If you are able to eat, eat food that comforts you. ItвЂ™s OK to cry while watching movies about other people’s near perfect but fictitious relationships. ItвЂ™s OK to have your friends and family babysit you. ItвЂ™s OK to feel utterly incapacitated. ItвЂ™s a colossal loss and must be understood as such. Your whole life has just changed.”
She continues by explaining, “Eventually by allowing yourself to be in this difficult process rather than postpone it, you will begin to see the difference between a breakup and a death. A death is final.” Going through a grieving period after the end of a relationship is important so you can come out the other size and realize that life continues.
2. Write Your Ex A Letter But DonвЂ™t Send It
There’s something to be said about the therapeutic powers of writing someone a letter; it can help you get out all of those negative feelings and help empty your emotional tank. You could send it if you want to, but the beauty of not sending the letter is that you can be brutally honest and “tell” your ex exactly how you feel, without fear of hurting their feelings, making them feel guilty, or re-opening old arguments. If you’re a fan of snail mail you could even go all satisfyingly dramatic and burn your letter afterwards. The release of letting go of all those unwanted thoughts and emotions could help you on your road to recovery.
3. Cut All Ties For The Time Being
Is stalking on social media, drunk calling, or texting your ex just to find out “how they’re doing” really going to help you get over them? College student Melissa Silverman told readers of HelloGiggles about her experience of unfollowing her ex on social media and she explained, “If you stop keeping up with his/her life, youвЂ™ll move forward with your own.” Maybe one day in the future you can be real life and social media friends, but if you’re still licking your wounds, it may not be the best time to see them popping up in your newsfeed all the time.
4. Talk To A Professional
If you feel like you’re drowning in pain and you can’t cope in everyday life, it might be a good idea to see a therapist. There is absolutely no shame in reaching out for professional help when you need it. People are becoming more aware of mental health and the struggles that others face. If you sat down with a bunch of friends, family members, or colleagues and asked them if they have ever had assistance from a professional during an emotionally difficult time in their lives, you’d probably be surprised about how many people had received help.
Although you may feel like curling up in a ball underneath a blanket, eating pizza, and watching Disney movies, socializing after a breakup is important. The Huffington Post reported, “Whether this means booking a spa day or getting together at a friend’s house for wine, dinner and pedicures, the intention is the same вЂ” spend some quality time with friends. While in a relationship, we sometimes have a tendency to go into hibernation mode. So schedule some time to meet friends out for coffee, dinner or a day at the spa.” Friends are a great distraction and you may have a laugh together which could make you feel better. Plus, depending on how serious your relationship was with your ex and how busy your life has been, you may have actually neglected your friends a little and you’ll probably feel better for rekindling those relationships.
Erin Gloria Ryan writes in her article for Jezebel, “. even though it’s hard to do just about anything after a breakup, or a death, or a job loss, or another life disruption is hard to spin as a positive activity, there’s nothing sad or pathetic about focusing on your own health and having that manifest in adopting a new workout regimen. Don’t do it for “revenge;” do it for you.” Whatever it means to you (running, yoga, playing Just Dance) multiple studies have proven that exercise can boost your mood вЂ” which can only be a good thing if you’re wallowing in sadness after a breakup.
7. Pick Up An Old Hobby Or Try Something New
YouвЂ™ll have more time and possibly more spare cash on your hands post-breakup to put into a beloved project that youвЂ™ve always wanted to get off the ground. You may want to try an artistic endeavour like pottery, collage, or writing a book; or you might wish to dive into a new, practical hobby such as gardening, baking, or learning a new language. Whatever tickles your fancy, throw yourself into an old project or hobby, or learn something new вЂ” it’ll be a great way to spend your spare time instead of reminiscing about your ex. Plus, if it involves taking classes, you’ll likely make new friends to surround yourself with.
Take it slow, take care of yourself, and heal your broken heart by getting over someone in a healthy way. The worst is over.
What would it take for you to unfollow someone on social media? We discuss unfollow horror stories & more on the latest episode of Bustle’s The Chat Room. Listen here:
Some people are just really difficult to let go of. ThatвЂ™s one of the lasting side effects of having loved someone. And often, the stronger the love, the more difficult it will be to let go of it all and move on with your life, especially if you spend a lot of time remembering how good it once was and believing it could be that good again. Even when you come to accept that it is time to move on, it is not always easy to get over someone you think youвЂ™ll never get over.
Losing someone you thought was your forever person may leave you feeling blindsided, and your first instinct might be to try to get back with them. But even if you have fully decided you definitely want to get over this person (which is a major step in itself, so congrats), there can still be a long road ahead for you. However, it is important to remember that you will not always feel like this. In fact, there are a number of steps you can take to get out of this funk faster and get on your way back to a happier, healthier place in life.
1. Give It Time
Time really can heal all wounds. How much time, however, depends on the individual. If this is someone you never imagined yourself moving on from, then youвЂ™re probably going to need more time than you imagine. But move on you shall вЂ” as long as you let yourself.
“Allow yourself to feel sad, to cry, to simply grieve the loss of something that could have been, but don’t let it paralyze you,” LA-based relationship therapist Dr. Gary Brown previously explained to Elite Daily.
So donвЂ™t rush moving on; just slow down a bit, and take the time you need to just heal.
2. Get Some Closure
Getting closure is one of the best ways you can understand why you two wouldnвЂ™t have worked out. Regardless of whether you were dumped or you were the one doing the dumping, if youвЂ™re still hung up on this person, then youвЂ™re going to need to do some digging.
Maybe youвЂ™re bad for each other. Maybe the timing was just never right. Or maybe you two just didnвЂ™t have it in you to keep trying to make the relationship work.
Whatever it is, find the reason (or, often, reasons) you need to let go, and hang on to that instead. “Remember specific examples of things they said or did, or didnвЂ™t say or didnвЂ™t do as a reminder” of why you two might not have worked out in the long term, Dr. Brown said.
3. Focus On Yourself
If youвЂ™ve spent a significant amount of time focused on someone else, once theyвЂ™re out of your life, it may be hard to refocus back onto yourself. But self-care is essential. вЂњI encourage clients to get вЂback to themselvesвЂ™ by reconnecting to their inner pulse, their internal thoughts and feelings,вЂќ Liz Higgins, LMFT and founder of Millennial Life Counseling, suggested. One way to do this, she said, is by journaling: вЂњThis could be as basic as giving yourself 10 minutes a day to just write the thoughts that come to you, or to pick structured prompts like вЂfive things I’m grateful for in my lifeвЂ™ or вЂqualities I feel I brought/bring to my relationships.вЂ™вЂќ
There are a number of things you can do to make sure youвЂ™re prioritizing yourself. Find what feels good for you.
4. Remember There Are Other People Out There
“Just remember that there’s mathematically more than just one person who you can be happy with,” Dr. Brown noted. “Don’t get hung up on the false idea that there’s only one.”
Of course, getting yourself to the point where youвЂ™re ready to seriously date other people is difficult, and you shouldnвЂ™t move on to this step until you feel youвЂ™re actually ready to do it вЂ” not just for your sake, but for the sake of your potential future partner.
“You are hurting, and if you don’t want others to hurt you, don’t hurt others by using them to get over your negative emotions,” Dr. Martha Tara Lee, a clinical sexologist (DHS, MA, BA) and founder of Eros Coaching, previously told Elite Daily.
5. Understand Loss Is Part Of Life
Moving on can be extremely painful, but as Dr. Lee said, the is part of being human. “Pain tells us we are alive вЂ” we can stay with [it], embrace it and work through it one breath at time and one day at a time,” she said. So, even though it might hurt at the beginning, these steps toward getting over someone will ultimately help you feel better, and hopefully work toward a better, more fulfilling future for yourself.
This article was originally published on 01.05.16
Most of our failures are nothing more than a form of rejection, and knowing how to deal with rejection will help you lessen your pain and bounce back to your normal emotional state.
According to Dr. Phillip McGraw (or Dr. Phil as he is commonly called), rejection is the number one fear among human beings.
One of the deepest needs of humans is the need to belong and to be accepted.
When you are rejected in one way or another, you fail to satisfy this important need.
Some other common needs and wants such as success, and fears such as failure, do not appear to be connected to fear of rejection at first glance.
However, when you look at them closer, you will see that success often can be interpreted as a form of acceptance; and failure can be seen as a form of being rejected.
Being rejected in love
One of the hardest areas to be rejected is romantic love.
The suffering that comes with this type of rejection is considerably harder than in most other types.
Interestingly, many people tend to love and desire those who aren’t as passionate about them.
It seems like being rejected or merely the fear of being rejected makes us more passionate about what we can’t have, making us suffer even more.
When you first realize that you are being rejected, you might be unable to speak and feel physically sick.
Physical symptoms and other symptoms—such as being unable to sleep, work, and concentrate—can persist for several weeks.
Although the intensity of your negative emotions will gradually fade, you will continue having good days and bad days.
Little by little, you will learn to enjoy your life again and will start noticing other exciting opportunities.
Practical steps for dealing with rejection
While time will heal your wounds, here are some useful tips on how to deal with rejection, ease the pain and make your recovery period significantly shorter.
1. Tell yourself it will go because it really will.
Keep reminding yourself that this is only temporary and that you might be even thankful for this experience in the future.
2. Engage in physical activities.
Play tennis or take a class at a local gym.
Physical activity forces us to concentrate outside of ourselves and live in the moment.
That is why we feel so alive when we are active, and that is why exercise can actually be addictive.
Unlike other addictions, this one is positive and benefits you.
3. Focus outside yourself.
Although it might be hard to do so right now, avoid blaming and criticizing yourself. Be your own friend.
If you catch yourself analyzing your past or yourself, gently draw attention away to something external.
4. Learn something new.
Learning a new skill can be challenging; in addition to obvious benefits, it helps us heal by keeping us busy and focused.
To make things even better, learning a new skill may help discover new opportunities or meet new people.
New places are always fun to explore and, just like the suggestions above, they will distract your attention from negative thoughts and add excitement to your life.
In Swahili for the Broken-hearted, Peter Moore travels all the way from Cairo to Cape Town to get over his breakup, which results in an epic adventure and… a book!
6. Meet new people.
This goes without saying. When you meet someone new, you want to put your best foot forward, and this will force you to pick yourself up.
Besides, new people have new exciting stories to tell, which helps you stay distracted.
7. Consider counseling.
If going through this difficult period alone is too much to bear, counseling or psychotherapy is an excellent way to help yourself deal with your emotions.
For example, this website offers a science-based online therapy platform equipped with all the necessary tools to help you deal with your problem.
This includes a personal therapist, worksheets, live chat, messages, a journal, and other tools. All programs are based on cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which is a goal-oriented approach to treating emotional and mental health problems.
CBT is based on the idea that your feelings are caused by your thoughts and not so much by external stimuli like people, situations, and events.
It teaches you to change your thinking patterns and, consequently, helps change the way you feel.
Because CBT focuses on what you can control — yourself and your thoughts — it is one of the most popular methods of dealing with various problems, including relationship problems.
8. Use self-hypnosis.
Hypnosis helps you access the unconscious mind and shape it in ways you never knew was possible.
If you are suffering from one-sided love, download Unrequited Love to help yourself think less of that person and start to feel interested in other activities.
If you are in a committed relationship and suffer from being rejected by your spouse, download Mend Your Broken Heart.
Many of our readers found this download particularly helpful (Stop Thinking About Someone).
If you also suffer from insecurity, you might want to try this.
What not to do
While a new relationship will definitely help get over the past quicker, it is not a healthy way of dealing with rejection.
This isn’t just bad for you; you will be potentially hurting the other person’s feelings.
Give yourself time. Don’t start a new relationship when you still have unfinished emotional business.
Breaking up a relationship even while you are deeply in love? It seems inconceivable, but sometimes, it becomes a decision as painful as it needs.
Leaving someone you love is an act that is experienced as something against nature. It doesn’t seem rational, it is not orderly, it is not in harmony with our view of the world, and it has no meaning. If you want someone, you want him/her to be by your side, right? So why do you suffer if you are doing what you are supposed to do?
You have to forget someone, but to do so, learn how to forget a love. It is very difficult, but over time we can stop wondering and achieve things that we thought we wouldn’t be able to do.
It is beautiful when you live those wonderful loves. But it also becomes very stormy when it comes time to recapitulate and start again our life. We cannot drag a past through life, we have to get ahead for ourselves, or for our families.
Here are tips on things that can help us if we need to forget a great love. Some tips will serve you more than others, but these things can certainly help straighten our life without the person we still love.
- Recognize that you are no longer in his/her life. You must accept that is over and that for the moment things are like this.
- Remember, everything bad that you have lived next to him/her, don’t idealize him/her, and look at him/her as the person who has behaved badly with you.
- It is easier to remember beautiful things, but you record in your mind the lies that he/she has told you and you will see everything with other eyes.
- Remember all the unfaithfulness that has been and how low she/he has fallen with this deception.
- Never remember your birthday, or anniversaries, it’s a disaster!
- He/she is a problem in your life, and bad must be removed so that you can move forward.
- Do cleaning in your life. As when you clean the wardrobes and that what still serves you left, but the rest you give away.
- The heart needs to be free and healthy, so you can receive the good things that life has prepared for you.
- Don’t look at your relationship as wasted time, see it as life experience, not as something to remember.
Further Reading: 7 Stages Of Heartbreak
- Give the best for yourself and for others, regardless of whether others do the same for you.
- Don’t say that you have a problem that you cannot solve, God knows your problem and you have Him.
- Fill your life with things that suit you, go to the gym, the beauty salon, and look beautiful (you deserve it).
- Read books you never thought you would read, use your hands to create things, paint, draw, cook, etc.
- Call your friend whom you have not heard or seen for a long time. Organize some coffee time and try to remember beautiful moments of yours.
- Never wait for a call (he/she will not call).
- Cry if you need it, shake off your tears and start again… The tears are to erase the pain.
- And don’t avoid talking about him/her, the more you let your feelings flow, the easier it will be. Think about everything like about a movie that passes and passes until it reaches the end.
It seems like all these tips were unnecessary, right? But they are good advice, and they will help you to forget someone who doesn’t deserve to continue to be the center of your heart. Try to make some changes in your life and you will see that little by little everything will change. What you once thought could never happen, now is happening… and now you are more beautiful, more worried about you, you want to forget, and you will get it. Take care, worry about yourself, your appearance, your heart, and your joy.
- How to Make Awkward Moments Between Boyfriend & Girlfriend Go Away
- How Do Friends Make Up After Being Estranged?
- How to Cheer Up a Broken Heart
- How Can I Get Over the Loneliness While My Husband Is Away?
- How to Deal With Your Best Friend Leaving
Losing a loved one to relocation can make you upset. It is normal and healthy to feel sad about this event. But there are a number of ways to cope when someone you love moves away.
Expect — and Accept
Losing someone to a move may lead to grief. Being angry when you find out is normal. Sadness is also expected, as is anxiety at having to make new friends. Your friend will likely have these as well, along with some excitement about his new surroundings. These are natural responses to not being as physically close with someone you love. To cope, talk about your pain with family or other friends. Write in a journal to express your pain. Knowing that these are normal emotions, and expressing them so they don’t build up, will help you to cope over time.
Find New Supports
Those who move struggle with a period of fewer social supports and less closeness with those around them, notes researchers Eric Vernberg, Andrea Greenhoot and Bridget Boogs. in a study published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology in 2006 titled “Intercommunity Relocation and Adolescent Friendships: Who Struggles and Why?” But this lack of closeness occurs in those left behind as well as they try to replace the friend lost. When you’ve lost a friend or a partner to a move, identify other supports. Ask someone to go to the movies, to talk on the phone, to take a walk. Finding new social outlets with help you to cope with your friend’s move.
Stay in Contact
Though those you love may move away, the Internet and phone lines provide ways to remain close even when in other states. Make it a point to communicate after the move and set up times to talk. Share photos of new events, new boyfriends, new children. Let her know that you have a spare room or a couch for her if she comes to visit, and see if you can swing a plane trip to go see her. Keep your friend as an ongoing part of your life to ease the blow of the move.
Negative emotions can be dealt with using mindfulness, says researcher William Marchand, author of, “Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction, Mindfulness-based Cognitive Therapy, and Zen Meditation for Depression, Anxiety, Pain, and Psychological Distress”, a study that appeared in Psychiatric Practice in 2012. When you think of the loss, observe your emotions and your body responses without judgment. If you wish, write your thoughts in a journal to practice this observation in a new way. Over time, mindfulness can reduce stress around events such as losing loved ones to moves and is a great skill for future stressful events.
How To Get Over Someone You Deeply Love
- Remember There’s No Time Limit. …
- Let Yourself Feel Your Emotions. …
- Remove Your Ex From Social Media and Your Phone. …
- Remember To Love Yourself. …
- Write Down How You Feel. …
- Turn Your Energy Into Something Positive. …
- Don’t Hold On To Anger And Blame. …
- Don’t Torture Yourself.
- Accept that everything will feel awful for a while. …
- Be sensible. …
- Allow yourself to grieve. …
- Mobilize your friends (and family, cat, dog, whatever works) …
- Look after yourself. …
- Get therapy. …
- Say yes to new things. …
- Reach out.
One may also ask, how long does it take to get over someone you still love?
According to research published in The Journal of Positive Psychology, it takes 11 weeks to feel better after a relationship ends. But a separate study found it takes closer to 18 months to heal from the end of a marriage.
What’s the quickest way to get over someone?
12 Ways to fast-track getting over him
- Give yourself time to grieve. The good news is however bad things look now, you will get over him. …
- Write a diary or email. …
- Accept it’s over. …
- Clean up your act. …
- Hit the gym. …
- Feel the love. …
- Embark on a new project. …
- Spend time with friends…
10 Related Question Answers Found
How do you move on from someone who doesn’t want you?
How To Move On From Someone Who Doesn’t Want You
- Define Your Outcome and Recognize Your Secondary Gain. …
- Establish Your Pillars Of Support. …
- Destroy Your Negative Patterns. …
- Remove The Anchors Holding You Down. …
- Expand Your Perspective With Cognitive Reframing. …
- Finally — You Will Have Moments Of Weakness, And That’s OK.
What are the 5 stages of break up?
Even ifyou were the one who initiated the split, there are five stages ofgrief that you will go through. They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, according to Mental-Health-Matters.
Why is it so hard to get over someone who treated you badly?
1. Toxic Relationships Mess With Your Head And Your Intuition. Beyond simple heartbreak, a toxic relationship can do a lot of damage to your mental health and well-being, so getting over one means both mourning the relationship and healing the psychological damage.
Why I can’t get over someone I never dated?
Sometimes a reason that you have a hard time getting over someone that you never really dated is because you don’t give yourself permission to grieve them. … People that we never “date” can still have a significant effect on us. You don’t need a label or a long time to develop strong feelings for someone.
How can I move on and be happy?
Ways to Let Go and Move On
- Accept the truth and be thankful. …
- Distance yourself for a while. …
- Focus only on what can be changed. …
- Claim ownership and full control of your life. …
- Focus inward. …
- Change the people around you. …
- Take a chance. …
- Focus on today.
How do you let someone go emotionally?
How to Let Go of Things from the Past
- Create a positive mantra to counter the painful thoughts. …
- Create physical distance. …
- Do your own work. …
- Practice mindfulness. …
- Be gentle with yourself. …
- Allow the negative emotions to flow. …
- Accept that the other person may not apologize. …
- Engage in self-care.
How do you let go of an ex who has moved on?
Once your ex is in a new relationship, any lingering hopes of you two getting back together are dashed.
- Let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling.
- But refrain from acting on those emotions.
- Stop looking up your ex and their new S.O. on social media.
- Figure out what excites you.
- Come up with your own “letting go” ritual.
Can you stop loving someone if you truly loved them?
The truth is you can never stop loving the person you loved and still move on with your life. You can accept undying love as a virtue instead of a burden. The ability to love is an admirable trait. The ability to love someone in spite of them not feeling the same way is an even more admiring trait.
Can you forget someone you truly love?
You may never totally forget about the person you love, but that’s not a bad thing. Eventually, with time and healing, you‘ll be able to appreciate the good parts of the relationship without feeling pain.
Do guys hurt after dumping you?
Even if the man is dumping you, they still hurt. Chances are unless you were manipulative, abusive or toxic in the relationship, the guys will hurt after dumping you.
The hurt is real, but you’re not alone.
It sounds romantic: To love someone with all of your heart and soul, whether or not they love you back. But the reality is very different. The pain of loving someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you can be almost unbearable. It certainly doesn’t feel romantic. It just feels devastating.
How do you deal with it?
1. There’s no way to get around it: Rejection hurts. Your heart has been broken, and there’s a real physical sensation of pain. I talk about this in my post on dealing with break-ups, but it’s worth repeating here. Even if you know that your heart can’t really break, you’re feeling like it’s doing exactly that. There’s a physical pain in your chest, and the rest of your body feels bruised and aching as well.
Recent research has shown that we feel an emotional wound in a way similar to how we feel physical injury. Phrases like “broken heart,” “wounded spirit,” or “hurt feelings” are not simply metaphors. According to a group of researchers headed by Ethan Kross at the University of Michigan, evidence shows that emotional pain activates the same part of your brain as physical pain. (See the terrific blogs by my PT colleagues Peg Streep and Melanie Greenberg on some of the fascinating research into the physical connections to emotional pain.)
So to start with, acknowledge that you’ve been injured and you need to take care of yourself. You need to be gentle and kind and nurture yourself just the way you would if you had a physical illness. This doesn’t mean you should go to bed and waste away. It actually won’t help. But whether you’re at work or school, go easy on yourself. Don’t expect yourself to deliver a peak performance. But by plugging away, putting one foot in front of the other, all the time acknowledging that you’re feeling hurt and sad, you’ll gradually get your life moving forward.
2. Know that you aren’t alone. According to social psychologist and my PT colleague Roy Baumeister, 98% of us have suffered from unrequited love at one time or another. One of the problems with this kind of rejection is that it’s not enough that you feel sad, lonely and broken-hearted. It also makes you feel bad and ashamed—and you start to worry that there is something deeply wrong with you.
You start to ask yourself painful questions, like what does this person, whom you value so much, see in you to make them want to stay away from you? You start to soothe yourself with food—a pint of ice cream, a bag of cookies—and then you feel even worse. Oh yes, you say to yourself, I’m a sloth, I’m a pig, that’s why I’m not lovable.
But if this happens to other people, which it does—many of them smart, attractive and very lovable—then perhaps it’s not about not being good enough. It may be about this not being the right moment for the two of you, or about you not being the right partner for you both.
One friend who suffered miserably from an unrequited love told me, when she finally came through on the other side, “I’ll always have a tender spot for him. It’s just that I wasn’t the right person for him. I understand that now, and it doesn’t even hurt. But boy was it hard to get here!”
3. Try to see if falling for someone who doesn’t love you back is a pattern in your life. According to psychologist Phillip Shaver, falling in love with someone who will reject you can be a repeated pattern for some people. This may be particularly true if you had repeated experiences in childhood with what is called “insecure attachment,” that is, a sense that the adults on whom you depend are regularly not accessible at the times when you most need them (it is important to note that this does not result from a parent who doesn’t respond to every childhood need immediately or exactly the way a child wants!).
One way to try to think about this is to ask yourself if you have ever fallen in love with someone who rejected you before. Try to honestly assess whether or not there is some sort of pattern here. If so, you may be trying to find someone who will undo the pain of childhood rejections or abandonments; but unfortunately, in many cases in these situations we end up unconsciously choosing someone who will repeat, not undo the pattern, reinforcing feelings that you really are unlovable, as perhaps you believed as a child; or that you’re doomed to be disappointed, rejected and abandoned. You may end up more convinced than ever that you simply cannot trust anyone. Either way, your choice is likely to end up confirming your fears of abandonment rather than providing you with a new experience.
4. Ask yourself if you would rather not have loved the person at all. Is it true what Alfred Lord Tennyson’s poem says?
“I hold it true, whate’er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; ‘Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all.”
Maybe in the moment of the worst pain, you’d rather never have loved; but there is sometimes something exquisitely beautiful in such a love. It makes us feel alive in a very special way. It also, of course, hurts like very few other things do.
5. This might not help you much, but there is evidence that unrequited love hurts the person who is loved as well as the one who is doing the loving. In a study of more than 200 incidents of unrequited love, Baumeister found that rejecters suffered from guilt and anxiety and often reported feeling like they were victims. Baumeister reports that many of the pursued said things like, “I never hurt anyone before” and talked about how awful it made them feel to know that they were doing it now.
6. Finally, give up the quest for closure. Everyone agrees that one of the hardest parts of unrequited love is accepting that it is not ever going to be what you want it to be. You may keep looking for evidence that it’s over, but what you may really want is proof that it could happen.
In the song “Chasing Pavements,” Adele captures the never-ending loop of the search for proof:
“I build myself up and fly around in circles; Wait then as my heart drops and my back begins to tingle; Finally could this be it? Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements, Even if it leads nowhere?”
The answer? It may sound harsh, but there are actually two solutions: In one, you learn to accept that, for whatever reason, and for however long, this circle is the pattern you’re going to live with. If you come to that conclusion, then try to find some ways to be comfortable with it, to let go of your self-criticism for being in this place and with your fantasy that closure of some sort is just around the corner. Or: Let go and move on, without the closure that you think you want.
Please note: I love to know what you think about what I’ve written, so please leave your comments below, and if you have questions about the content or the ideas in this or any other post, put them in your comments! If you’d like to get feedback from other commenters, feel free to ask them questions as well. However, it is not possible for me to respond to individual requests for personal advice through email or the Internet. Thanks so much for understanding. DB
Istockphoto image: 12480442 (in text) / Teaser image source: istockphoto image: iStock_000019142447