For many trauma survivors, isolation and silence were part of the abuse.
- Why Relationships Matter
- Find a therapist to strengthen relationships
- If we do not have a conscious and close relationship with ourselves, it is even more difficult or impossible to have one with others.
- Being in an intimate and interdependent relationship with another person is one of the most challenging tasks in life
- As we strive to strengthen our relationship with ourselves, finding people who are attuned and attentive can offer the circumstances for healing.
Though social distancing separates us physically, it brings us closer in other ways. During the pandemic, Facebook has proven to be one of the most popular ways to stay connected and reach out to friends and family safely.
Recently, I ventured into this virtual world to engage with those in my close circle. Many of the posts were filled with pictures of happy faces, food, political commentary, and birthday/anniversary announcements. We sent each other emojis of hearts, hugs, and congratulations to show our support and friendship.
Lately, while scrolling through this virtual world, the therapist in me has been particularly drawn to what women have been posting or re-posting to convey some deeper truth within themselves. As I read through, I realized I am not just reading someone’s shared poem. I was, bearing witness and gaining a glimpse into their inner emotional world.
The following two poems posted on Facebook gave me pause.
You couldn’t see how she pulled another
chance out of her bones and laid it at your
feet, hoping you could see the sacrifice it was
treat it as an act of bravery…
You couldn’t see all she did to be with you
after seeing all the reasons, she shouldn’t be.
r. m. drake
drink the ocean
just to make sure
you do not drown
I recognize that these poems reflected the current challenges in my friends’ private lives – their lives behind the happy pictures and celebratory announcements. The poems reflected the pain they were experiencing because of a significant love-related loss. I noticed that the poems mirrored the stages of grief, such as feelings of anger, sadness, and denial. Amid this evidence of pain, I did not notice any posts indicating that they were moving forward towards resolution and well-being.
Many women have revealed the sentiments found in the two poems throughout my private and professional life, all about this altruistic belief that sacrificing oneself is how you show love. They share in the idea that “If I can be loyal, loving, and fully accepting if I can see someone’s unspoken needs and meet them, I will be valued and loved back.” This belief makes women hyper-aware and overly attentive to the needs of others while dismissing and sacrificing their own needs and ultimately losing themselves.
As my very wise mother would say, we fall in love to the same degree that we are lonely – “fall” being the operative word. If you fall in love out of distress, to squelch the emptiness, or fill a void, there is a good chance it will only lead to continued distress.
Many problems in relationships are fueled by the belief that another person can fill your emptiness, replace your pain with feelings of love and passion. John Fogarty, a family therapist, disputes this, asserting that our emptiness is related to our unhealed relationship with our most distant parent. If this is true, then healing our emptiness and fulfilling our desires comes not when we “fall” in love with someone, but when we can reclaim the hurt child of the past and repair the wounds where they originated. If we do not go on this journey to heal, we risk letting history repeat itself in our adult relationships – all hoping that the current relationship will be different.
In my practice, many women who struggle with feelings of loneliness have impaired ability to practice good judgment and be discerning. They repeatedly invite undesirable people into their lives and the lives of their children. This is a major error and a significant cause of pain in women’s lives. Bringing people into your circle incapable of giving and offering kindness and friendship only perpetuates the ongoing cycle of betrayal, loneliness, and abandonment.
Are you looking for tips on how to avoid falling in love be it with a married man, a jerk, with your best friend, too fast or a girl or your crush? We have all you need you to know.
I have never understood all the hype associated with falling in love. Because for me, there is no such thing as love. It is just a very expensive fantasy. A fantasy that can destroy you, shatter your self-esteem and kill all your dreams.
When you fall in love, it means your happiness is dependent on the actions of another person. Don’t you think this is just exposing yourself too much? Imagine a scenario where the source of your happiness wakes up one day and say, ‘I love you no more.’ Most of us have received that message and I don’t have to explain to you how it feels. Not many people can rise from such heartbreaks because we lose part of our soul.
Tips to avoid falling in love
But we can’t just avoid falling in love, at least that is what many people say. Because you want to share your life with someone. Because spending time together and going to those romantic dinners is cool and shows that you are a normal human being. But I disagree with all these unfounded lies. For me to love is to risk being loved in return and you can be very happy without being dependent on someone else.
I am going to show you some ways on how not to fall in love and still be very happy. I must be honest with you because it is not as easy as it looks but it is possible. It can be done.
In this article
Focus on your dreams
What do you really want in life? Is it love, a great career, finishing up your studies or starting a new business venture. Answer the what and work towards achieving it. Dedicating more time towards your dreams will make you not to feel lonely and give you the urge to find someone. The good thing about falling in love with your dreams is that there is no day your business will wake up and tell you ‘I love you no more.’ Your education will be loyal to you for better for worse.
Isaac Newton, one of the most influential scientists of all time has no record of ever having fallen in love in his life. He dedicated all his time in his dreams and in the end, he discovered the three laws of motion. This is testimony that one can achieve great things if they focus and avoid other distractions like being swept off your feet with someone who could be your friend or just a jerk.
Lady Gaga, the American singer and one of the most influential women in the world said, “some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you are wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake and tell you it doesn’t love you anymore”. Chase your dreams jealously.
Stop watching romantic movies
Romantic movies create an imaginary world called ‘Romantic Realism’ This is a place where everything is so fine for two people in love. The movies, romantic novels, and songs frame our minds to believe that there is nothing as sweet as falling in love. It is hard to find a movie that depicts the negative effects of love.
As a single person, watching romantic movies will make you feel disabled. Then you will feel the urge to find someone. If you want to stop falling in love then avoid these movies, novels, and songs because they will corrupt your mind.
Watch movies on science fiction. They will trigger your imagination and perhaps you may find something worthier of doing with your life.
Find the fault in every person
No human being is perfect, that is a fact. The reason why we fall in love with people is that we overlook their imperfections and focus on their perfections. But what about if you don’t want to fall for them, simple focus on their imperfections. I know this is weird because we have been taught to have eyes that see only the best in people but sometimes that may not be in our best interests.
Look out for those little flaws in their appearance, posture, their intellect, hair, voice. The fact that no one is perfect means finding flaws is an easy task. This is the best and easiest way on how you can avoid falling in love.
Social gatherings are a no-go zone
Yes, avoid those weddings and prom nights. You don’t want to go to a place where people have a totally different perception to love. During prom nights, everyone wants to have a date, so what the hell will you be doing there if you don’t want to hook up? You will feel sorry for yourself and think that there is something totally wrong with you.
As a by the way, some people believe that being single is a disability. The truth that it is a disability if you keep on mingling with people who are dating. Truth is that behind those fake smiles is a person who is very afraid, afraid of being single.
Do not spend too much time on social media
Social media is a form of mass media with great psychological effects on the users. The effects are worse than those of the traditional mass media. You should avoid Instagram, Facebook because this is the place most people post about their ‘wonderful love life.’ This may be detrimental to your course of not falling for anyone including those married men and women you look fantastic.
Another issue is that you don’t want to be seeing pictures of your crush on IG. It will be very hard to resist them.
Ever heard about emotionally unavailable men or women? These are people who don’t show any emotions. It is a very important art that you should try to master. You can’t really keep a relationship if you are selfish because everything is always about you and you don’t care what the other person feels.
You can just decide to spend more time with yourself, perfect that singing talent of yours. Never let the feelings of other people affect you and I assure you that you will never fall in love.
The fact that you don’t want to fall in love does not mean that you should not have a social life. You should spend time with friends and family who value and respect your decision not to fall in love.
You should also understand that true love exists and when it comes, don’t just push it away because you want to prove a point. I hope that one day, this moment will come for you.
What to do when you know that an affair is wrong but can’t help it?
Moral Values: Know the Consequences of Getting into an Affair with a Married Man
Whether you know it or not, falling for a married man can have severe consequences. In case you don’t know about him being married then you are not to be blamed for your actions. But if you know that he is married and has a complete family at home and you are still falling for him, you are probably pushing yourself into a ditch. You will probably end up empty-handed or you will have to face millions of consequences to win the man of your dreams. Morally speaking, you are going to hurt so many people on your way to loving a married man. You will hurt his wife, parents, kids and many others.
In the eyes of God, you will be counted as a sinner because you will hurt his creation and they will suffer because of you. Nobody likes to share people they love, so you will hurt yourself as well because you will have no choice left except for sharing the person you love if you fall for an already taken man. Speaking from experience most men never leave their first wives so you’ll be a second woman in his life, and will be treated accordingly your entire life by his relatives. Take the decision wisely, think of other people around and better try not to fall for a married man at all.
9 Ways to Stop Loving a Married Man
Falling in love with someone is often uncontrollable. It cannot be controlled no matter how much a person tries. Very few people fall for someone at first sight and in most cases, people fall for the other person after knowing them completely. When in the know-how journey you find that your crush is already married or taken that is the point where you are supposed to pull the reins of your heart and mind. Tell yourself to back off because, falling for a married man will make your life extremely complicated, and nobody wishes to have a complex love life.
If it’s getting tough for you to stop yourself from falling for a married man even after knowing that this love will only give you pain and nothing else; you still need to STOP. We feel how difficult it gets to stop your heart from racing for a person, so we’re here to help you out with some tips and tricks that will work for you, no matter whichever stage of connection you are.
Attraction Stage: Stop Yourself and Avoid a Connection
1. Limit Interaction
If the person you are falling for is someone you meet and interact daily, then obviously it’s going to be really tough for you to stay away. It gets easier in the case where you don’t have to face the person daily. Keep your interaction level with that person as low as possible so that your heart doesn’t get triggered. You can only do it willingly if you are fully aware of the fact that falling for a married man will have lasting consequences. Limit your interaction in a way that people around you don’t sense it and it seems normal to your crush and others as well.
2. Learn To Say No
If you know somebody who is married and still shows his or her interest, it’s about time you show them their way back and lock all the back doors without any hesitation. If they still don’t stop dropping signals at your door just inform their partner so that they handle their partner themselves. It happens most of the time if someone shows interest in you; you also start getting attracted to them. If this happens to you, just give your heart a red flag and a signal to back off.
3. Do a Reality Check
When somebody is falling in love their eyes are blindfolded and they cannot see the reality anymore. In that case, a friend or a family member should intervene and make them realize what they are going to do and how it will affect their life. Realistic people don’t fall for anyone without doing a reality check. A reality check opens a person’s eyes wide enough to see what is coming their way and how it will affect them and their life. For example: falling for a married man can bring a lot of problems for a person and cause so much heartbreak in just one go.
Dating Stage: How to Stop Dating the Married Man
4. Back Off
If you didn’t realize it earlier in the attraction stage and have realized it now that dating a married man will lead you nowhere, it’s better to take a step back now. Just state your choice to them and wait for their reaction or ask them to divorce their former partner if they want to continue their relationship with you. If they agree with you it’s still best for you to back off and move on because a person who can leave their life long partner for a new found love they cannot be trusted and they can leave you as well.
5. Come Out Clear
If you are clear about your decision and choices and you don’t want to linger on with your relationship with a married man than you should state things very clearly without any hesitation. It is the biggest favor that you will do to yourself by pushing yourself out of a relationship you don’t want to stay in. Coming out clear is not so easy, there is a fear of hurting the feelings of another person but once you decide to come out clear never back off as it will make you a cheater which you are not.
6. Stop Lying To Yourself
If you have come to the conclusion that you shouldn’t be dating a married man then you should stick to it and stop lying to yourself and your partner. Stop weaving dreams of an unachievable happily ever after when you already know that it won’t be possible for you to achieve it with them. Just be true to them and yourself. That man might be using an affair with you to fill an empty void in his unsuccessful marriage, once you know the truth just confront it without any hesitation.
Look for other ways to find the perfect match rather than just looking around to see who’s nearby.
Having a close circle of friends might be great in many ways, but there are more chances of falling for them. Look for other ways to find the perfect match rather than just looking around to see who’s nearby.
Online dating destination match.com suggests ways to meet new people, reports femalefirst.co.uk
Online dating: Break free from your friends more subtly and join a dating site. Then you are not physically turning your back on them or abandoning them on a night out which they might take offence to.
Social event: Attend such events and meet other like-minded people. Your friends might have the same opinions as you on a lot of things but they might not be in the same place when it comes to dating.
Take friends along: When you go for social events, take your friends too. Then you can all mingle and extend your social circle. You might even find the one.
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Published on Jan 23, 2018
I moved to Australia in 2015. I was single, and I planned to keep it that way. Long story short, my plan failed.
As romantic as falling in love abroad sounded, I wanted to avoid it for 3 reasons.
- I’ve always been in long-term relationships, and these were the first couple of years I had been single. I learned so much about myself, and I wasn’t ready to let that go.
- Having just moved to a new continent, I wanted to focus all of my spare time and energy into travel and exploration.
- I wanted to avoid the heartbreak of potentially breaking up due to distance if I ever decided to go back home.
Numbers one and two were a breeze, but heartbreak due to distance became a very real issue. There was a time during my two years there that I got deported (yep, you read that right). That was the first time the thought of leaving and never coming back turned into a real possibility. My boyfriend and I would see each other every day, so to suddenly find out that I would no longer be able to do that made my heart ache. It was strange to know I wouldn’t see someone I loved anymore and have it be completely out of my control.
A post shared by Janette Aracely Travel Blogger (@janettearacely) on Feb 9, 2017 at 4:15am PST
I had to leave the country (I chose to go live in Thailand) and wait for an email to let me know if I could go back, with the possibility of no return if my new application got rejected. So when the time came, I packed my bags and we had a sad, tear-filled goodbye. We FaceTimed each other every day, sometimes twice a day, and sent plenty of memes, GIFs and pusheen cat stickers of course. We did this for a total of 3 weeks before he told me he had booked a plane ticket to Thailand. He made his way to Phi Phi Island and said he’d stay with me until I heard back from immigration.
He flew from Sydney, to Singapore, to Krabi, Thailand, spent the night in Krabi, took a ferry to Phi Phi Islands, got off the boat and received my good/bad news which was, “I know you just got here, but I got my visa so we can head back to Australia!”. It was chaos.
As ridiculous as it sounds, being deported turned out to be an amazingly fun experience, but the second time we went through this (which was this year) involved a bit more anxiety. This year, I moved back to Los Angeles, permanently – due to a few personal predicaments. This was astronomically harder than being deported because this time there were no “what ifs”, it was a permanent move that I was in control of. Long distance was brought up, but if you both are pretty certain that you won’t be living in the same continent for years or possibly ever, there comes a point where you have to come to terms with the decision. We acknowledged that once I got on the plane back to the US, it would mark the end of our relationship. I was shattered.
A post shared by Janette Aracely Travel Blogger (@janettearacely) on Mar 21, 2016 at 5:25am PDT
We spent my last few weeks in Australia doing our all-time favorite activities. We spent a tremendous amount of quality time together, but eventually I ended up back at the airport with my bags in my hands and tears in my eyes. We squeezed each other tight, knowing that this was the end. We didn’t call everyday anymore, but we did send a few messages here and there to check in and help each other get through the breakup. A few weeks in, we agreed to FaceTime. I was not expecting what came next.
Call him a romantic, but yet again he bought a plane ticket to meet me in a foreign country. He came to visit for a month to explore LA and see if he liked it here enough to move! It was the most amazing feeling to give him a bear hug at the airport. We had a great month together. Not going to lie, it was super tough saying goodbye again a few days ago, but now we’re talking through everything and planning out the logistics of a potential move here!
A post shared by DAVIE DARKO – MOLOTOV (@daviedarko) on Nov 21, 2016 at 10:56pm PST
I never could’ve imagined these crazy series of events when I first arrived in Australia in 2015. It’s definitely been an exhilarating rollercoaster ride. In the words of Contiki, I have “no regrets”, but just know that falling in love abroad can come with some major challenges. If you love each other and work through it together, it may all work out in the end. I can only speak to what I’ve experienced so far – I have no idea what the future holds, but I’ll keep you posted. Wish us luck!
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I’m a bit late to the game with this one since I met my husband 19 years ago and we’ve been married for 14 of those years. My primary goal was to determine whether my choice was luck or if I had actually engaged in the proper thought process required to “avoid falling in love with a jerk”. As it turns out, I possess no magical knowledge—this book doesn’t either.
I found the final chapters jarring–having sex with many people before marriage increases dissatisfaction? Perhaps sex isn’t the probl I’m a bit late to the game with this one since I met my husband 19 years ago and we’ve been married for 14 of those years. My primary goal was to determine whether my choice was luck or if I had actually engaged in the proper thought process required to “avoid falling in love with a jerk”. As it turns out, I possess no magical knowledge—this book doesn’t either.
I found the final chapters jarring–having sex with many people before marriage increases dissatisfaction? Perhaps sex isn’t the problem. Has anyone stopped to think that marriage is the problem?
I could have enjoyed the same intimate relationship with my husband if we hadn’t legally married so the “stigma” of divorce wouldn’t have been of any consequence. Yet, this book very much relies on the “no divorce=you didn’t marry a jerk”.
I’ve never fallen for a complete jerk because my aim was never to analyze anything except the traits which were important to me. Those traits were intellect, willingness to work and financial sense. That’s it. Easy. Everthing else that was positive ended up being a bonus. . more
The title makes this book sound like it’s full of advice found in Cosmopolitan magazine. However, it is a synthesis of 1000 academic articles from the fields of psychology and family science.
While the principles taught were defensible, they were ultimately forgettable. After finishing the audiobook a week ago, I can’t recall a single principle.
Principle Example: …something about tigers not changing their stripes. I.e., if your S.O. treats someone else one way, it won’t be long before he/she tre The title makes this book sound like it’s full of advice found in Cosmopolitan magazine. However, it is a synthesis of 1000 academic articles from the fields of psychology and family science.
While the principles taught were defensible, they were ultimately forgettable. After finishing the audiobook a week ago, I can’t recall a single principle.
Looking for a friends-with-benefits situation often leads to heartbreak.
Some people say that a friends-with-benefits (FWB) situation is the ideal of all possible romantic scenarios. You can have your cake, and eat it, too. Well, the truth is that many of these situations end in heartbreak, with one person caring and wanting more than the other. At the end of the day, someone usually gets burned by the mix of firey passion and a lack of foresight.
If you’re going to risk the odds and try a FWB situation yourself, you have to be careful and vigilant about your needs, thoughts, and feelings. I know, I know: It already sounds less appealing. But should you wade into these non-traditional waters, following a few simple rules will make your life easier and will prevent unnecessary self-destructiveness. The clearer you are about the boundaries early on, the less confusing things will be later. But make no mistake: A friends-with-benefits relationship is like playing a game of Russian Roulette, because the odds of getting hurt are not in your favor.
Rule #1: Don’t mix your social circles.
Letting him or her hang out with or get too close to your friends borders on a relationship, so be careful about sharing too much of your life unless you’re prepared to take the relationship to the next level. If you introduce your FWB partner to your friends, your friends can become attached, making things more difficult down the road if you simply want to keep things light. In addition, introducing him or her to your friends will invite the inevitable positive or negative comments your friends are bound to share about your new love — er, lust — interest.
Rule #2: Don’t share too much emotionally unless you want things to get more serious.
If you confide in him or her about life issues that are causing you stress, this increases the kind of intimacy you want to avoid if you don’t want to get too emotionally attached. One of the things that makes FWB a tricky proposal is the fact that it’s hard to avoid emotional intimacy when you’re spending time with someone — particularly when you’re engaging in sexual activity together. What’s more, the real goal is to have both sex and emotional intimacy, so engaging in FWB relationships actually works against the goal you’ll strive toward in a healthy, long-term relationship later in your life.
Rule #3: Be realistic about the future you have together.
The best way to be honest with yourself and realistic about what to expect is to have a conversation with him or her early on about the parameters of your FWB relationship. You might think that a FWB relationship is and always will be just about sex, but that’s not always the truth. In fact, a real romantic relationship can develop from a FWB relationship. But for that to happen, you will need to relax and communicate openly about your needs and your feelings, and circumstances will require that the timing is right for the other person and that you are the kind of person he or she is looking for in terms of a long-term partner.
Rule #4: Manage inevitable jealousy when it arises.
No matter how cool or detached both of you try to be, odds are that jealousy will rear its ugly head. If you find yourself getting jealous, be honest and tell your FWB partner, and the two of you can talk about whether the FWB relationship is truly working for both of you. If he’s the one who starts getting jealous, for example, and you also realize that you don’t want to get involved more seriously with him, it’s time to consider detaching and letting the benefits side of the relationship go.
In the end, any kind of romantic relationship — whether it be marriage or FWB — involves a fair share of risk. The more aware you are of your needs, the more effectively will you be able to get close to the fire but avoid getting burned.
Feel free to check out my book on relationships, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve, or follow me on Twitter.
by Mark Ballenger
The term “falling in love” can be dangerous for Christians for a variety of reasons.
One of the main Greek words in the New Testament used to teach us about love is “agape.” This word emphasizes action and choosing to sacrifice yourself for someone else. For a deeper explanation of this word, I would encourage you to watch this video by The Bible Project.
But the reason I wanted to highlight “agape love” is because the term “falling in love” does not really capture the essence of Christian love according to the Bible. Nonetheless, I don’t want to be legalistic about this phrase because I know what people mean when they say it and I don’t think it is wrong to say as long as we know what true love is according to the Bible.
Therefore, when I use this phrase, “falling in love” in this video, all I mean is that two people are forming a bond that is leading to a Christian marriage covenant. So here are 4 things that might happen when you are truly falling in love and preparing in your heart to love someone for the rest of your life on earth.
1. God Will Empower You to Move Past Infatuation and Towards Real Commitment When You Truly Begin to Love Someone
Before you can truly love someone, you have to overcome the false forms of love that try to infect human relationships. Perhaps one of the most common counterfeits to true love is infatuation. For a quick explanation of how to know if you are infatuated or truly loving someone, let’s reviews a short clip (1:06-2:28) from a video I’ve done in the past on this topic:
So when you are truly falling in love with someone, you will not be motivated by infatuation or idolatry but you will choose the type of agape love that Christ has shown you.
2. When You Are Truly Falling in Love, You Will Find More Joy in Serving This Person Than in Being Served By This Person
Whenever we want to know something about true love, the first place we have to look is to God. How does God show his true love for us? God didn’t just tell us that he loves us. God showed his love for us in action, for as John 3:16 famously says, “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”
Because God loves us he “gave” his only Son. This is what true love is all about. Likewise, when Jesus was teaching us how we are to truly love him, he said in John 14:15, “If you love me, you will keep my commandments.” The point I’m making is that true love is about joyfully serving the other person.
When you truly begin to find more joy in giving to someone rather than taking from them, this is when you are truly beginning to love him or her.
3. When You Are Truly Falling in Love, You Will Lose Your Desire to Be in a Relationship with Anyone Else
While there are many characters in the Old Testament who practiced polygamy, nowhere in the Bible is this practice condoned. In fact, throughout Scripture God clearly tells us that marriage is supposed to be a covenant of love between one man and one woman as Genesis 2:24, Titus 1:6, 1 Timothy 3:2, Matthew 19:4-6, and Deuteronomy 17:17 explain.
Therefore, when someone’s heart is headed towards marriage with someone, they will lose the desire to be with anyone else. They won’t have a desire to keep looking to see if they can get someone better. When you are truly falling in love, you will know you just want to be with this one person and no one else.
4. When You Are Falling in Love with Someone, You Will Fight Through Any Issues that Are Trying to Separate the Two of You
When two people are truly in love, we might imagine them to always get along and never have any issues. But this is simply untrue. No matter how much two people love each other, there will always be some issues in their relationship that they will need to work through because every human besides Jesus has a sin nature.
So the mark of true love will not be a lack of issues. The mark of true love will be a willingness to fight through any issue that comes up. A couple who is truly falling in love will work hard on their relationship and they will not run away from one another as soon as things get hard. When a man and woman really love one another, they will not allow anything to keep them apart.