How to get your life back in order

How to get your life back in order

Do you ever sort of feel…like you’re failing at life?

You want to get yourself organized. But it all feels so chaotic that you wouldn’t even know where to start.

Well I’m here to share how to get your life in order. In 7 simple steps.

We’ll call it your blueprint to a better life.

See it’s easy to forget how much control you actually have. Improving your life is your choice.

In fact, if you start doing these 7 things, I can almost guarantee that your life will be better than it is right now.

Let’s get started!

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How to Get Your Life in Order

1. Create a designated place for things you use regularly

If you find yourself misplacing the same things over and over, it’s time to create a special spot for them.

When things have a designated space, you never have to think about where they belong. Or where the heck they went!

Routines like this definitely help keep your life in order. You don’t have to waste precious brain space remembering annoying necessities like keys and phone chargers.

I have a cute little bowl by the front door that I keep my keys in. If I’m home, my keys are in the bowl.

My phone charger is always next to the bed. I charge my phone all night while I sleep. It never runs out of battery life, and I don’t have to ever have to move (and misplace) the charging cable.

Give it a try. You might just be surprised by how much time you save when you don’t have to look for things.

2. Write down a short to-do list the night before

Before you go to bed, write down the top 3-5 things you need to accomplish the next day.

Not 100 things. Just 3-5. To be really organized, rank them in order of importance. That way, if you only get to 2 of them, at least they’re the most important two.

You’ll sleep better because you’ve emptied your brain of those pestering to-do thoughts.

Plus, how awesome would it be to wake up feeling organized?! You’ll know exactly what it is you are meant to accomplish that day.

How to get your life back in order

3. Track your spending

A fundamental part of getting your life in order is keeping track of your finances.

You absolutely have to know where your money is going. If you don’t, it will disappear on you every time.

If creating a budget sounds super complicated (it’s really not), just start tracking your spending.

There are several free apps you can use, or make a simple spreadsheet. Heck, a regular old notebook works just fine too.

Every time you spend any money (cash, debit, or credit), log it in or write it down.

This one simple act will make you so much more aware of how you’re using your money.

How you spend your money is one of the biggest factors in determining your financial future.

Need help curbing your spending? Please check out the Overspending Rescue Plan.

I designed it to help you get to the root of why you overspend, and develop a life vision for you and your money.

Check out the Overspending Rescue Plan HEREHow to get your life back in order

4. Create a routine to keep things tidy

It’s really difficult to feel like your life is organized when your home is messy.

Maybe you even feel like keeping it tidy is impossible .

But again, simple routines are the difference between chaos and order.

You make a ton of tiny choices all day long. To leave the dirty dishes on the table…or to put them in the sink…or to put them in the dishwasher.

People with tidy homes put them in the dishwasher.

It doesn’t take any longer than putting them in the sink. And only a moment longer than leaving them on the table.

In order to prevent long tidying sessions, just start putting things away when you’re done using them.

To create a simple tidying routine, check out my post on 6 simple things to do everyday to keep your house clean with minimal effort.

How to get your life back in order

5. Take an honest look at your life and goals

If you feel like your life isn’t shaping up to be what you imagined, it’s time to take a deep look at why.

What is different about your current situation than you expected? Brainstorm some ways you can change the things you don’t like.

Imagine your dream future. In 3 years, what would you like to be different about your life?

No, I don’t mean ‘win the lottery’ delusions. Real things that you can make happen .

Set 1-2 goals for yourself for the next 30-90 days. Accomplish those smaller goals, and you will be inspired to make larger ones next.

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6. Build some ‘down time’ into your schedule

If you find that you’re always exhausted, you’re probably not giving yourself enough quiet moments of rest.

You simply cannot be ‘on’ all the time. Our world of constant distractions has made us forget what it’s like to rest and just be .

Start taking 10 minutes once or twice a day to go for a walk, read a book, or just rest your eyes.

No scrolling social media, or watching Netflix, or checking out Amazon’s latest deals.

You will be surprised how refreshed you feel after 10 minutes of no distractions.

How to get your life back in order

7. Find a way to move your body more

A great way to have more energy is to start moving a lot more. Of course we know that exercise is great for your health.

It’s like a totally free, anti-aging treatment.

But it has a much bigger impact on your mood that you realize. And it doesn’t have to be something boring like walking on the treadmill (unless you like that).

Take a dance class, do a rock-climbing wall, or just take an evening walk.

After you do it a few times, you’ll even start looking forward to it!

Your body will feel more toned and tightened, and it will be your special ‘me time.’

So, ready to get your life in order?

Individually, these 7 simple actions don’t seem all that impressive.

But once you start being a person who does all these things, you and your life will morph into something you’re proud of.

Getting yourself organized is simply a matter of a bunch of tiny choices and habits. Combined they lead to a calmer, happier life.

How to get your life back in order

How to get your life back in order

From henceforth, everything will be different. Immediately.

It’s a nice idea. In theory. The idea of having your shit together is vague and means different things to different people, but it’s usually some amalgamation of being stable:

  • Financially (i.e. spending under control, saving money, no ‘bad debt’, on track with paying off ‘good debt’, regular income)
  • Physically (i.e. eating properly, exercising, avoiding/limiting alcohol and other drugs, in good overall health)
  • Mentally (i.e. happy, content, not depressed, accepting of yourself, confident, self-assured, embracingamor fati )
  • Socially (i.e. in a solid relationship, socialising regularly, getting on with people, making friends, happy family)
  • Spiritually (i.e. whatever that means to you: fulfilled in some capacity)
  • Professionally (i.e. in an enjoyable, satisfying job, progressing well, learning & improving.)

For some people, having their shit together means being happily married with a little brood of kids, a paid off mortgage, and shiny hair. For some, it means managing to pay the bills, get laundry done, shower once in a while, and smile sometimes. For some, it means passing out drunk on a front lawn less than three times a week.

For most of us, it’s more of a mindset. We know it when we feel it.

For moments here and there, we think we’ve got the hang of it. It’s that feeling on a Sunday when your apartment is clean, the cat is flea-treated and napping peacefully, the plants watered, inbox in order, plans made, bank balance healthy, face mask on, whatever.

In Going Sane , a book about what sanity means, Adam Phillips raises an important question.

Is sanity about accepting yourself or about changing yourself?

“Should the project be to attempt to cure ourselves, or to accept ourselves as we are? Should we, in short, think of our madnesses, our symptoms, as a toolkit we have evolved for dealing with reality, for getting by; or should we think of them as a kind of truancy for our lives, an evasion of what we need to do, a weakness?”

Are our flaws, our inability to ever truly get our shit together for long, “ an integral and necessary part of our lives or are they superfluous ?”

In short, getting your shit together is not about being perfect or infallible or trampling down your natural urges.

We all know that’s impossible and when we chase it, we’re just using an unrealistic image to beat ourselves over the head.

We are using the belief that we could be perfect as an excuse to dislike ourselves at a fundamental level.

We are building a glorious marble statue of who we could be, if we weren’t ourselves.

Because getting your shit together is really about growing up and becoming an adult.

Children don’t have their shit together. They are chaotic bundles of confusion, stumbling wide eyes through the world, motivated by pleasure and unquestionably following their whims.

Phillips beautifully describes this as an ‘ original madness’ and the process of growing up as like the Biblical concept of the fall.

We fall from childhood and find ourselves in a world where we are not enough. We can never be enough.

Suddenly, we cannot do as we wish. Suddenly, we know that pushing against the boundaries will only harm us. Suddenly, our emotions cannot overwhelm us and we must suppress them.

Suddenly, we must start the project of undoing everything we learned about the world in childhood. Suddenly, we are possessed by the desire to do things we saw as wrong, disgusting, impossible or simply not our domain. Suddenly, we are full of shame.

With that shock fall from childhood, we discover so much that we don’t like about life.

Phillips writes that for the adolescent, “ one of his moods, one of his most gripping preoccupations, will be a sense that life is impossible, that life doesn’t work…that life is too painful.”

Because no one could possibly love adulthood, at least not at first. You’re no longer allowed to play all day, sleep when you wish, pout and have others concede.

Worst of all, you are faced with the insurmountable task of understanding everything that happened to you as a child and what it means for your future.

And you find yourself imprisoned by the defaults you developed at an early age. The ultimate task is to “ convert childhood trauma to adult triumph.”

“ Part of the project of adolescence”, Phillips writes, “ is finding out what makes adults so addicted to life.” Part of getting your shit together is moulding a life you can be addicted to.

A life you don’t want to lose. A life that somehow still involved what Phillips describes as the “ infantile pleasures of being loved, adored, stroked, held, cuddled, infinitely attended to and responded to, and thought about; of only sleeping and eating and playing” because “ these are the truly satisfying pleasures.” Despite the unavoidable truth that you can never have your shit together if you do too much to chase infantile pleasures.

These pleasures are, well, pleasurable because they let us be in a state where we are enough. We are complete. There is nothing but the joy of the moment. To get our shit together, we must turn away from that sense of wholeness.

“ All blueprints of what people should be like are at once denials of reality and attempts to create it anew.” The image of a person with their shit together is that denial of reality. The urge to be them is our attempt to recreate ourselves.

We can never hope to manage both. But we can hope for something even better.

Although Phillips offers a few different definitions of what sanity means, one stands out: “ Sanity is a talent for not letting whatever frightens us about ourselves destroy our pleasure in life …The sane create, the mad merely suffer.”

Because that’s what it really means to get your shit together.

Understanding what you’re afraid of. Understanding all the things that you count as not having your shit together. Understanding that those urges will always keep bubbling up and derail your efforts to get everything in order.

And not letting that ruin things. Letting it be part of it all. Figuring out what matters, and what you should focus your energy on and what you should let go.

Which is a lot. Our time and energy are limited. There’s only so much shit we can get together. We can’t have it all. We can have so much, but we can never have it all.

How to get your life back in order

Does your lawn look dead and dying or filled with brown grass instead of green? Don’t give up hope quite yet. Chances are there’s still life in that “dead” lawn—it’s just calling out for help. You can answer its cry and restore your lawn to lush, living beauty with all-in-one Pennington Lawn Booster and these five easy steps:

1. Understand the Issue

Looks can be deceiving. If you live in a warm climate and your lawn turns brown every winter season, you may have a warm-season grass that naturally goes dormant during winter months. What looks dead should be green again by late spring or early summer.

Lawns in cooler climates are a little different. Cool-season grasses may turn brown and look dead in summer if they’re forced into dormancy due to heat and drought. When they’re brown in spring, that can signal a tough winter just passed, especially if low snowfall left grass without much insulation.

Either way, your cool-climate lawn needs help. Ignoring these signs can lead to lasting damage. If you’ve lived with your lawn a few seasons, you’ll recognize these changes. If you suspect something more amiss—from pet urine spots to something more—investigate and remedy the problem before you proceed.

Your local county extension office is an excellent resource for spot-on lawn advice, whether you live in a rural or extremely urban area. Extension agents can help you confirm your brown lawn is dormant and ready to be revived into a thick, green beauty.

How to get your life back in order

2. Prepare Your Lawn

Early spring and fall are ideal times for restoring “dead” lawns to life. During these moderate seasons, the grass varieties in Lawn Booster naturally hit their stride for optimal growth, and nature works in your favor.

Start by getting rid of weeds that crept in while your lawn was stressed and brown. Weeds compete for water, light and nutrients, so don’t ignore them. Plan ahead if you use weed killers; they inhibit new grass along with weeds. Allow at least three weeks between weed treatments and lawn boosting.

With weeds eliminated, mow your grass to 1 inch tall; then rake to remove any dead grass or debris. Raking loosens and bares soil so it’s ready for the next step. Short-tined metal rakes, called garden or bow rakes, work best.

How to get your life back in order

3. Apply Lawn Booster

All-in-one Lawn Booster combines everything your “dead” lawn needs to spring to life: premium seed, fertilizer and soil enhancer. The choice is easy: you buy one, premixed, ready-to-use product instead of three.

These key Lawn Booster components help ensure your success:

  • Pennington Smart Seed grasses. These superior grasses earned the Smart Seed label through decades of industry-leading breeding, research and testing focused on lawn sustainability. Once established, the purebred Smart Seed grasses in Lawn Booster Sun & Shade and Lawn Booster Tall Fescue require up to 30 percent less water than ordinary grass seed. Plus, these non-GMO varieties stay green for up to three weeks without watering. With a Smart Seed lawn, you reduce water consumption and that utility bill. That’s year after year, for the life of your lawn, not just for a single season.
  • Professional-grade fertilizer. Grass can’t live without nitrogen; it’s essential to healthy, green growth. But not all nitrogen fertilizers work the same. Stabilized nitrogen in Lawn Booster means less nitrogen is lost to the environment and more of this essential stays around to feed your grass, immediately and for up to eight weeks. You’ll see and feel the difference, from improved germination to better color and texture under your bare feet.
  • Premium soil enhancer. Soil condition influences how well new grass can root and grow. Lawn Booster enhances your soil’s condition and health with gypsum. This naturally occurring mineral works to loosen compacted soil so that grass can take root and flourish, even in heavy clay.

All you need for application is normal lawn spreader like you use for seed or fertilizer. The Lawn Booster label recommends hopper settings for different spreader types. Find yours, adjust accordingly, and you’ve got the perfect application rate to put your brown lawn on the fast track.

Spread Lawn Booster evenly over your entire lawn. Even spots that aren’t brown benefit from the boost this product brings. With just one application of Lawn Booster, your grass will grow quicker, thicker and greener than ordinary grass—it’s guaranteed.

How to get your life back in order

4. Water Consistently

Consistent watering is crucial in turning your brown, lifeless lawn into a vibrant carpet of rich green. Grass seed must have consistent moisture to germinate and establish healthy roots, so respect this critical step.

Water your lawn daily so the soil stays consistently moist. If needed, water twice a day. Keep it up until new grass sprouts and grows tall enough for its first mowing—about 3 to 4 inches in height.

Once you reach that milestone, you can gradually transition over to a regular lawn care schedule, including about 1 inch of water per week. Soon, your brown lawn will be a faint memory.

5. Follow Through

With your “dead” lawn thick, green and resurrected, keep it that way with regular maintenance and care. Follow these best practices for the basics and you’re there:

  • Mow often enough to keep your grass at its recommended mowing height without removing more than one-third of its height in a single mowing.
  • Adjust your watering schedule and use to accommodate rain and drought. Pennington’s interactive Water Rate Calculator can help you achieve your #lawngoals.
  • Keep your lawn healthy, green and vibrant with regular feedings of premium lawn fertilizers, and follow tips for fertilizing safely around kids and pets.
  • Learn, grow and stay informed with Pennington’s online resources and timely email tips.
  • Mark your lawn care calendar for next season and boost your lawn again.

When you choose Pennington Lawn Booster, your lawn reaps the benefits of a tradition of innovation and integrity, backed by premium ingredients and the Pennington guarantee. You can take your lawn from “dead and dying” to thriving and green. Pennington is committed to providing you with the finest in grass, seed and lawn care products, and the information you need to succeed confidently.

Pennington with design is a registered trademark of Pennington Seed, Inc.

How to get your life back in order

How to get your life back in order

From henceforth, everything will be different. Immediately.

It’s a nice idea. In theory. The idea of having your shit together is vague and means different things to different people, but it’s usually some amalgamation of being stable:

  • Financially (i.e. spending under control, saving money, no ‘bad debt’, on track with paying off ‘good debt’, regular income)
  • Physically (i.e. eating properly, exercising, avoiding/limiting alcohol and other drugs, in good overall health)
  • Mentally (i.e. happy, content, not depressed, accepting of yourself, confident, self-assured, embracingamor fati )
  • Socially (i.e. in a solid relationship, socialising regularly, getting on with people, making friends, happy family)
  • Spiritually (i.e. whatever that means to you: fulfilled in some capacity)
  • Professionally (i.e. in an enjoyable, satisfying job, progressing well, learning & improving.)

For some people, having their shit together means being happily married with a little brood of kids, a paid off mortgage, and shiny hair. For some, it means managing to pay the bills, get laundry done, shower once in a while, and smile sometimes. For some, it means passing out drunk on a front lawn less than three times a week.

For most of us, it’s more of a mindset. We know it when we feel it.

For moments here and there, we think we’ve got the hang of it. It’s that feeling on a Sunday when your apartment is clean, the cat is flea-treated and napping peacefully, the plants watered, inbox in order, plans made, bank balance healthy, face mask on, whatever.

In Going Sane , a book about what sanity means, Adam Phillips raises an important question.

Is sanity about accepting yourself or about changing yourself?

“Should the project be to attempt to cure ourselves, or to accept ourselves as we are? Should we, in short, think of our madnesses, our symptoms, as a toolkit we have evolved for dealing with reality, for getting by; or should we think of them as a kind of truancy for our lives, an evasion of what we need to do, a weakness?”

Are our flaws, our inability to ever truly get our shit together for long, “ an integral and necessary part of our lives or are they superfluous ?”

In short, getting your shit together is not about being perfect or infallible or trampling down your natural urges.

We all know that’s impossible and when we chase it, we’re just using an unrealistic image to beat ourselves over the head.

We are using the belief that we could be perfect as an excuse to dislike ourselves at a fundamental level.

We are building a glorious marble statue of who we could be, if we weren’t ourselves.

Because getting your shit together is really about growing up and becoming an adult.

Children don’t have their shit together. They are chaotic bundles of confusion, stumbling wide eyes through the world, motivated by pleasure and unquestionably following their whims.

Phillips beautifully describes this as an ‘ original madness’ and the process of growing up as like the Biblical concept of the fall.

We fall from childhood and find ourselves in a world where we are not enough. We can never be enough.

Suddenly, we cannot do as we wish. Suddenly, we know that pushing against the boundaries will only harm us. Suddenly, our emotions cannot overwhelm us and we must suppress them.

Suddenly, we must start the project of undoing everything we learned about the world in childhood. Suddenly, we are possessed by the desire to do things we saw as wrong, disgusting, impossible or simply not our domain. Suddenly, we are full of shame.

With that shock fall from childhood, we discover so much that we don’t like about life.

Phillips writes that for the adolescent, “ one of his moods, one of his most gripping preoccupations, will be a sense that life is impossible, that life doesn’t work…that life is too painful.”

Because no one could possibly love adulthood, at least not at first. You’re no longer allowed to play all day, sleep when you wish, pout and have others concede.

Worst of all, you are faced with the insurmountable task of understanding everything that happened to you as a child and what it means for your future.

And you find yourself imprisoned by the defaults you developed at an early age. The ultimate task is to “ convert childhood trauma to adult triumph.”

“ Part of the project of adolescence”, Phillips writes, “ is finding out what makes adults so addicted to life.” Part of getting your shit together is moulding a life you can be addicted to.

A life you don’t want to lose. A life that somehow still involved what Phillips describes as the “ infantile pleasures of being loved, adored, stroked, held, cuddled, infinitely attended to and responded to, and thought about; of only sleeping and eating and playing” because “ these are the truly satisfying pleasures.” Despite the unavoidable truth that you can never have your shit together if you do too much to chase infantile pleasures.

These pleasures are, well, pleasurable because they let us be in a state where we are enough. We are complete. There is nothing but the joy of the moment. To get our shit together, we must turn away from that sense of wholeness.

“ All blueprints of what people should be like are at once denials of reality and attempts to create it anew.” The image of a person with their shit together is that denial of reality. The urge to be them is our attempt to recreate ourselves.

We can never hope to manage both. But we can hope for something even better.

Although Phillips offers a few different definitions of what sanity means, one stands out: “ Sanity is a talent for not letting whatever frightens us about ourselves destroy our pleasure in life …The sane create, the mad merely suffer.”

Because that’s what it really means to get your shit together.

Understanding what you’re afraid of. Understanding all the things that you count as not having your shit together. Understanding that those urges will always keep bubbling up and derail your efforts to get everything in order.

And not letting that ruin things. Letting it be part of it all. Figuring out what matters, and what you should focus your energy on and what you should let go.

Which is a lot. Our time and energy are limited. There’s only so much shit we can get together. We can’t have it all. We can have so much, but we can never have it all.

All the job, money, mental health, and other help you need.

Right now, as we type this, it’s not over yet. We’re still social distancing and cutting our own bangs and forgetting what it’s like to order a drink in a bar packed with people. We’re still talking to our plants and forgoing bras and being bombarded with “so-and-so started a live video” notifications on our Instagrams. We’re still allegedly writing the next great American novel but lying on the floor all day instead. Which is all to say, it’s hard to see the end of this.

Of course, we know it will come. Maybe it’s already started to, so we’re going to focus on the next part: picking up the pieces. Especially because in a recent Cosmo survey, 97 percent of you—which we’re just going to go ahead and round up to an even everybody—said that COVID-19 has negatively impacted your life.

We’re here to help you figure out what to do about the job you lost, the relationship that didn’t survive, the financial hit you took, the wedding you canceled, the anxiety you’re fumbling through, and all the other stuff that keeps you up at night. Whenever you’re ready, keep reading.

How to get your life back in order

How to get your life back in order

How to cope with loss, whether you broke up or lost a loved one

Or. need to say goodbye to the nightly bottle of wine.

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Advice to help you hustle.

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How to deal with every money problem dumped on you

Financial tips that will help fix everything.

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How to get into a better headspace

A global crisis can take a toll on your mental health. Here’s how to feel like you again.

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How to handle everything you had to cancel

Perspective from women who figured it out.

Art by David Stenbeck. Courtesy of Jenn Singer Gallery.

The psychological hellscape of the past year took a toll on many people’s sex lives. We have the secrets to getting out of that bedroom rut.

How to get your life back in order

How to get your life back in order

IT WOULD be an understatement to say the past year was not sexy. Not to blame everything on COVID-19, but if your bedroom has lacked fireworks since social distancing became a thing, you’re not alone. Nearly half of adults reported a decline in their sex lives over the first few months of the pandemic, according to a recent Kinsey Institute study, and experts estimate that the trend has since continued.

“People are masturbating less, [and] they’re having less sex,” says lead author Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and member of the Men’s Health advisory board. “Part of the reason is people are more stressed and more anxious, and that has the effect of lowering sexual desire.”

Treating those mind issues by talking to a mental-health professional can help your body get back on track, says psychiatrist Gregory Scott Brown, M.D., also a member of the Men’s Health advisory board. Just recognizing that you and your partner may be extra stressed can also help nudge you in the right direction. Our experts shared tips for beating five common obstacles between you and your long-lost sex life.

The problem: Your body’s in the bedroom, but your mind is a million miles away.

A lot of people are stressed out and on edge now—to put it mildly.

“When people are less connected to their partners, they’re less likely to have an orgasm, and it’s basically because they can’t be present in the moment,” Lehmiller says. After all, physical responses like erection and orgasm also require mental focus.

The solution: Tap into the feels.

To stop that broken record of worries in your head, Lehmiller suggests practicing mindfulness—that is, learning to keep your mind in the moment. Sit for ten minutes a day and pay attention to whatever sensations you’re feeling in your body.

How to get your life back in order

“When people practice doing this in everyday life, they can take that same skill and apply it to sex, training themselves to get lost in the sensations and not pay attention to distracting thoughts about what’s going on at work or what’s going on with the pandemic,” Lehmiller says.

Pro tip: Disconnect from technology in the hour before you have sex. Don’t even open that TikTok your buddy just texted you! You can also try trading massages with a partner to relax and get in the mood.

How to get your life back in order

The problem: You’ve abandoned dating apps,because what’s the point?

Look, we get it. With social-distancing protocols dragging on a whole lot longer than most of us expected, it’s tough to get excited about yet another awkward FaceTime date. This hopelessness can feed on itself, leading guys to throw up their hands and settle into loneliness.

“Chronic loneliness is very bad for our mental health, so we need to find a way to have these interactions and find ways to do it safely,” Lehmiller says.

The solution: Get swiping.

It might feel pointless to match with people on dating apps without knowing if or when you’ll have the chance to meet, but this could actually work in your favor.

“People are having more intimate conversations now than they were before,” Lehmiller explains. Those intimate conversations can lead to sexting or cybering.

Pro tip: No unsolicited junk pics, please. Instead, ask if they’d be down to swap sexy selfies.

How to get your life back in order

The problem: Your partner feels like a stranger (not in a good way).

People have less space to themselves, which means couples are not only getting tired of each other but also getting into more arguments, Lehmiller says—and that’s affecting them in the bedroom.

“One third of couples are reporting that they’re experiencing conflict related to the pandemic, which is lowering sexual desire,” he says.

The solution: Get to the root of the issue and address it directly.

A lot of couples are arguing right now over division of household chores and childcare, says Lehmiller. Decide who’s in charge of what, perhaps with the help of virtual couples therapy via Talkspace. Seeing each other as teammates, not enemies, will set the stage for romance.

Pro tip: Make time every day for each of you to get out on your own—it’ll build anticipation for what you’ll do when you’re together again.

How to get your life back in order

The problem: Your penis isn’t cooperating.

Almost every penis-related problem, from erectile dysfunction to delayed ejaculation, can be linked to mental health, Dr. Brown says. Anxiety and depression both stem from imbalances of brain chemicals like serotonin (which can help you last longer) and dopamine (which can help with desire).

The solution: Find the treatment that’s best for you.

Maybe it’s therapy; maybe it’s medication; maybe it’s a little bit of column A, a little bit of column B. Your doctor will have the answer. In the meantime, Dr. Brown recommends regular exercise, a proven natural mood booster. He suggests yoga, which increases levels of the neurotransmitter GABA, which in turn helps reduce anxiety.

Pro tip: Check that your meds don’t exacerbate the problem. SSRI antidepressants like Prozac and Zoloft can create difficulties with arousal and orgasm, since they increase the amount of serotonin in your brain, Dr. Brown says.

How to get your life back in order

The problem: You just can’t summon the urge.

It makes sense that your libido is nowhere to be found.

“When people are feeling emotionally over-whelmed, when they’re feeling drained, when they’re feeling anxious, when they’re feeling depressed, they’re not going to be in the mood for sex,” Dr. Brown says. “You have to have all those things be in sync in order for sex to work properly.”

The solution: Whip out the silky restraints.

If there’s a fantasy you’ve always been curious to explore, now’s the time.

“Novelty increases arousal when you’re trying something new, but it also creates this more immersive experience that draws you in,” Lehmiller says. His study found that people who tried new things—including switching positions, sharing fantasies, sexting, and sending nudes—reported more sexual desire.

How to get your life back in order

If you’re naturally a loving and affectionate person, giving a lot to your partner and relationship just happens. More often than not, you don’t even think about it. You’re thoughtful, you’re accommodating, and you’re always there for your partner whenever they need you. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately, being super giving can backfire on you when you realize that your partner isn’t giving you as much in return. So what can you do when your relationship is out of balance?

According to experts, it’s important to know that a “balanced relationship” never equals 50-50. As love and relationship coach, Emyrald Sinclaire, tells Bustle, “Often times one partner will give more than they receive. But on the flip side, you’ll receive more than you give when you need it.” There will be times when one partner needs to give more than the other. That’s common.

Trying to achieve a perfectly balanced partnership is another relationship ideal you should get rid of. Instead, you should aim for having a well-balanced life that includes your relationship in it. In doing so, Jane Reardon, LA-based licensed therapist and founder of RxBreakup app, tells Bustle, your relationship will be happy and healthier.

“A healthy relationship doesn’t require your attention 24/7,” Reardon says. There’s no score-keeping or manipulating your partner to do their fair share of work. “A truly balanced partnership deals with a great deal of compromise as well as showing the willingness to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work.”

If you feel like you’ve been giving too much into your relationship, here are some expert-backed ways to pull yourself back.

Take Time Each Day To Do At Least One Thing For Yourself

Practicing self-care daily is important. This can be something big that takes hours of your time like hiking a mountain or relaxing in the tub reading a book. It can also be something as small as taking five minutes in the morning to meditate. “The important thing here is that when you make sure you are filling your own love cup each and every day, you’re keeping the scales balanced and not giving too much to your relationship,” Sinclaire says. “The added bonus is that when you’re treating yourself with love each and every day, it’s going to be reflected out to your partner and it will actually change the way they treat you (for the better).”

The main problem women write to me about is that the man they love has suddenly pulled away – sometimes for good. If you’ve experienced this or are going through it right now and you want to get your boyfriend back, you know how painful, hopeless and frustrating it feels.

Your first instinct is an urge to lean forward and do whatever you can to keep your man from slipping away. And I’m going to tell you that you need to let him go, as horrible as this sounds. You need to let him go, because if he is the right man for you, you can get your boyfriend back with the three steps I’m about to go into. If he’s NOT the right man for you, then here’s the news you will appreciate down the road when you DO meet Mr. Right – he did you a favor by going away, and you learned something incredibly valuable in the process. So here are my three steps on how to get your boyfriend back:

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  • What to do if he is distant and seems to have fallen out of love.
  • Word-for-word love scripts to help you bring him closer than ever before.
  • The secret psychology that makes him want to commit for life.
  • The magic power you didn’t know you had to make him want you.

Step 1: Lean Back

The very first thing you need to do to get your boyfriend back is resist the powerful urge to run after him, call him, text him, send messages to him via friends and family, or show up at his door. As I said above, this is going to feel really difficult, but you MUST do it if there is any hope that you will get your boyfriend back.

We women tend to think that giving and giving to a man will bring him closer. And this includes doing things like checking up on him to see how he’s doing. It’s what I call “overfunctioning.” Don’t do it! A man is accustomed to valuing what he has to work for, so if you put in effort and make it easy for him, he will actually value you less. We work hard because we think that if we don’t he’ll assume we don’t care enough about him, and he’ll go away. But this is simply untrue. If you lean back and let go of the reigns, you give your boyfriend the chance to see what it feels like to be without you, and if he’s worth it you will get your boyfriend back. Remember this: men commit to you not because they want to be with a woman, but because they can’t stand to be WITHOUT you. Let him feel what it’s like NOT to have you in his life.

Step 2: Open Your Heart

The next thing I want you to do is to stop running from your painful emotions and embrace them. We women tend to stuff down our emotions for fear that a man will get scared by them and run away. But the real truth is that men LOVE our emotional nature – it’s drama that they can’t tolerate. When we learn to get in touch with our feelings and express them in a non–judging, non–critical way, a man will not feel blamed and will feel COMPELLED to open his heart to you.

And you don’t need a man in your life to learn how to do this. Instead, practice “framing your feelings” with everyone you meet and even on your own. Start right now by asking yourself what you feel. Then say it out loud. Say, “I feel shaky,” or “I feel sad,” or “I feel happy just looking at that flower over there.” Practice this everywhere you go, and it will become natural to you in days. Then when you talk to the man you love, use this new way of expressing your feelings. You’ll notice a miraculous change in the way he connects to you and opens his heart.

Step 3: Love Yourself

How to get your life back in order

Right now, remember how you were when you and your boyfriend first met. Were you obsessing about him? Were you calling him incessantly? Of course not. Chances are, you were focused on your OWN LIFE, and this was very attractive to him.

Take this opportunity to get back in touch with you and fall in love with the woman who attracted him rather than spending your time thinking about how to get your boyfriend back. Get busy with your friends, your interests, and the things that make you YOU. Remember: you can lose a man, but you can NEVER lose yourself. If this man is worthy of you and is the right man for you, I guarantee that when he sees you are focusing on your own life he will realize what he’s missing.

Keep leaning back, opening your heart, loving yourself… if he’s Mr Right, you’ll get your boyfriend back.

Want more step–by–step advice for how to communicate with a man so that he’ll never think of leaving your side? Then read my eBook Have The Relationship You Want. You’ll also learn how to express your feelings to a man in a way which will actually make him want to listen and get closer to you.

Sign Up For My Love Advice Newsletter

  • What to do if he is distant and seems to have fallen out of love.
  • Word-for-word love scripts to help you bring him closer than ever before.
  • The secret psychology that makes him want to commit for life.
  • The magic power you didn’t know you had to make him want you.

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