How to be a mistress

I know the title is quite the handful, but i promise the content would be less so. I have seen a lot of girls asking about findom, how to get into it, what the terminologies mean, how to be a good one etc and to me the road has to begin with a proper understanding of what findom is.

A findom mistress or princess (or whatever really) is the dominant in the relationship that gets something for nothing. How is this possible? Well, see there are these wonderful creatures that exist called Submissive men. They aren’t like normal men. While most people would chafe and resent being bullied, humiliated, fucked over, exploited, degraded, belittled etc, these special creatures crave all this, to varying degrees. That is the first thing a goddess should know. Submissive men are actively looking for women to hurt them in all the delicious ways which set of their little fucksticks. They LOVE it.

A subset of this poor group of losers is the finsub. And he is your bread and butter. Submissive masochists have always enjoyed being exploited. It is part of the humiliation/degradation cocktail that makes us dizzy and leaves us unable to think. So once upon a time, a brilliant Mistress put two and two together. She saw the state that the submissive fuck got into when it’s buttons were pushed. No doubt a light bulb went on in her head. While in this vulnerable state, she goaded and bullied him to really give in, to surrender and she fucked him over where it really hurt – his wallet.

But then, what do you know, being goaded, bullied, humiliated into a vulnerable state and then being ruthlessly exploited while being told that he is being ruthlessly exploited, being told that he is powerless, being told that he is fucking worthless and it is only right that a superior being takes his money… well, funnily enough that was also fucking amazing for us poor suckers. It was like a whole new level of femdom was opened for masochists. What is more humiliating than being humiliated and then taken advantage of? It is the ultimate self reinforcing loop. The paypig loop. The hamster wheel that turns on and yet scares ever dumb financial sub.

In the beginning as a short definition i said findom was getting something for nothing. A short definition of the findom process would be “pushing his submissive buttons, then fucking him over while he stares, glassy eyed and grateul”. :). That is what i will talk about next time. Hope you enjoyed.

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How to be a mistress

I have had some enquiries over the last few weeks in regards to personal slavery and here is some information to give an idea of what it entails. There are various types of ownership, for example, you can be a personal social media slave working hard to promote your Mistress online. If you live far away there is long distance servitude. The most special is the full time OWNED SLAVE.

I do not accept just anyone as a personal slave. The first and most important thing is CONNECTION. I must get on with you and be able, at the very least, to hold a fun and interesting conversation. How can you build a more intimate relationship with someone if you do not like them? One of My personal slaves was put through his paces and made to prove his worth over a long period of over 6 months. I must be able to see that you are serious about being owned and that you will not get bored or look elsewhere after the initial excitement wears off. If I am going to let you into My personal life, I do not have time for flakes and you must appreciate the great trust that comes with this role. you must be ready to engage in such a commitment otherwise it can end in great sadness.

What kind of things can a personal slave be involved in? The list is endless: chores, tasks, research, attending events, errands, driving and admin are some activities. The main aim of a personal slave is to make their Mistress’ life easier. Some Mistresses require their personal slave to tribute a large sum each month, I look at what the person can afford, their circumstances and, of course, how useful they can be to Me. My time is precious and it must be earnt in various ways: tasks, gifts, surprises, creativeness, readiness, etc. I give a lot of My time to My personal slaves so I expect that when I give them a task it is completed to the highest standard. That slave is being trained to be a reflection of ME and they must act accordingly.

A personal slave must show gratitude, be invisible (not wanting to show off their status all the time, it becomes boring) and be aware that Mistress will have contact with others – this should fuel you to want to do your best so you can be the favourite (not that She will ever tell you this ;)). You must prove your worth. If you are not giving Me what I need, you receive less of My time and you get rewards and punishments depending on the quality of effort with your work.

I set strict rules and a contract is signed at the beginning of the personal slavery journey. This contract can change over time to accommodate new skills learnt or changed circumstances. I do not allow my slaves to interact with other Mistresses unless pre-agreed, this fails the idea of being MINE and once you’re MINE, you should not wish to have anyone else on your mind.

I bet anyone who has considered being ‘owned’ has imagined being able to spend all day talking to their Mistress or seeing Her every day – this is not the case: Mistress still has a life to lead, sessions, commitments and Her personal life. Sometimes you will speak to Her daily and other times it may be a couple of times a week. If you become My personal slave you are absolutely more involved in My life, things become more ‘friendly’, more personal, but it is hard work. You will be required to be available when I need you but also have the ability to busy yourself when I am not free to spend time with you. You need to be motivated and creative and come up with ways to help your Mistress. And you need to WANT to be there. Never rush into ownership, make sure you are ready to commit to that one special Mistress. If not, wait, one day She will come along and turn your life around.

One of the main points when discussing ownership is that when a punishment is given, you take it and move on. If you have done something wrong, no matter how small, you need to be punished to learn. It is a long journey but the ultimate ending is to become Mistress’ special, ultimate slave who is the perfect reflection of Her hard work and status. This does not happen overnight, you must work tirelessly to get to know your Mistress, Her needs, desires, wants and they must be all you think about. Your aim in life is to make Her life better!

Maybe it’s just me, but the worst part about having a mistress is the ‘getting caught’ part; otherwise, it’s all upside. If someone tells you the sex part is the worst part, and the ‘getting caught’ part is the best part, that’s a man who needs to reconsider his fetishes. Regardless, your chances of avoiding that ‘getting caught’ downside are greatly improved by adhering to five simple tips for mistress management:

Tip #1: You never want to risk shouting the wrong name during sex, so if at all possible find a mistress with the same name as your wife. This can be a challenge because wives tend to have names like Diane and Helen, and mistresses tend to have names like Starla and Destiny. Because phone books are organized by last name, the most efficient method of scouting mistress candidates is to shout your wife’s name in a crowd and see who turns her head. The challenge becomes much greater if you like to call out first and last names during sex. Note: The desirability of some mistress candidates outweigh strict adherence to this principle, so if you have the opportunity to sleep with Marion Cotillard, and your wife refuses to change her name to Marion Cotillard, you might have to retrain yourself to shout your own name during sex.

Tip #2: Women have a heightened sense of smell, meaning you have to shower every time you leave your mistress’s house, or let’s be honest, mistress’s parents’ condo. Showering can be a major mood killer if being the rugged, non-showering type was the angle you played to score this mistress in the first place. Hair takes an hour to dry, and you’ll have to spend that hour listening to Starla talk about her day, and if you wanted to be bored to tears hearing about a woman’s day you’d be at home with your wife. Instead of having to wash off your mistress’ perfume, why not buy her the same perfume your wife wears? You could apply this trick in reverse and buy your wife the same perfume your mistress wears, but do you really want your wife to smell like a whore?

Tip #3: You know how you’ve never once spotted your wife’s new manicure, and she still pretends to be surprised the one-hundredth time you don’t notice? She’s not pretending. She expects you to notice because women notice. They notice everything. In fact, scientists are now referring to women as ‘nature’s greatest noticers’. Your wife notices things like manicures, and haircuts, and long red hairs on her pillow. This is why I suggest recruiting a mistress with the same hair color as your wife. Hair length can also be a giveaway, so send your mistress to your wife’s same hairdresser. You can eliminate a step if your mistress also happens to be your wife’s hairdresser, but I’ve got to warn you that a woman and her hairdresser talk about everything, especially the rugged, non-showering man they’re both seeing.

Tip #4: Keep your stories straight by recreating the exact same stories. You never want to risk referencing an experience you didn’t share with your wife, so if you watch a DVD with your mistress, go right home and watch that same DVD with your wife. If you and your mistress are having sex in a park, and the homeless guy watching you turns out to be a down-on-his-luck celebrity, that’s a story people need to hear, so drop your mistress off at her trailer, pick up your wife and race back to that park. But what happens when you and your wife are having sex in the park and Alfonso Ribeiro asks, “This isn’t the same girl you were having sex with an hour ago, is it?” See Tip #5.

Tip #5: You and your mistress can’t spend all your time on your mistress’s girlfriend’s ex-husband’s boat. Eventually she’ll accuse you of only being interested in sex, so you’ll have to take her out to dinner and a movie and sex in the park. You’re sure to bump into people your wife knows when you take her to the same places you take your wife (See Tip #4), e.g., restaurants, church, parent-teacher conferences, and you may find success confusing those acquaintances if your mistress and wife share a resemblance. At a very minimum your mistress should have the same breast and ass size, eye color, and ethnicity. Also, the exact same face, if possible. If you want to be extra careful, you should insist your mistress dress in the same style as your wife, but if her waitressing tips don’t enable her to match your wife’s expensive tastes, you might need to borrow a few items from your wife’s wardrobe. Dressing your mistress in your wife’s clothing will provide extra cover if the two of you happen to bump into your wife, because you might be able to convince your wife she’s having an out-of-body experience, but you’ll never convince her she’d wear those shoes.

And if finding a mistress who looks, dresses, and smells like your wife, likes the same DVDs as your wife, and shares the same name as your wife seems like too much trouble, well, for a guy having an affair, you manage to feel awfully sorry for yourself. Maybe you better just stick to sleeping with your wife.

How to be a mistress

It feels terrible to be cheated on, but learning that your husband/spouse has been having an ongoing affair is even worse.

When a man has a mistress, it’s more than an indiscretion — it’s a continued relationship and the man has to make choices. Whether they’re financial or emotional, somebody is going to get hurt.

Most women don’t set out to become mistresses, they just find themselves in that position one day.

You have to decide if your relationship can be repaired or if the affair destroyed it forever.

Many men with mistresses do everything in their power to keep their affair and mistress a secret, and it can be hard to discover the truth.

You might wonder if there’s a certain type of woman your husband might be tempted by, and that’s where astrology can help.

The stars know what kind of woman your man is looking for as a mistress and can help you answer: is my married man in love with another woman?

This is the type he’d be likely to have an ongoing affair with, according to his zodiac sign.

1. Aries (March 21 – April 19)

The kind of woman an Aries would take as a mistress is someone who is successful in her own right.

She doesn’t need anyone and is very independent. She’s very sexually adventurous and the Aries man will feel that she keeps him on his toes.

2. Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

A Taurus man would never cheat unless he had completely fallen in love. If he takes a mistress, he’s probably planning on marrying her at some point.

The type of mistress for a Taurus is someone who loves luxury and is very sensual. She’s one of those women who enter a room just oozing of sensuality and sexuality.

She doesn’t have a lot of female friends and will be very devoted and a bit subservient to her man.

3. Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Unfortunately, Geminis don’t have a good reputation when it comes to cheating — they’re good at it. They like having a lot of different partners and mental stimulation.

The kind of woman a Gemini will take for a mistress is very smart, brilliant even.

She’s an amazing public speaker and possibly a doctor or college professor. He likes being with her because not only can she keep up with him, but she surpasses him in intelligence.

4. Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

The Cancer’s mistress is also his therapist, mommy, and caregiver.

When they’re together he spends half the time complaining, whining and being an emotional wreck. The Cancer man treats his mistress like he treats his wife and, in a way, that’s the greatest betrayal of all.

5. Leo (July 23 – August 22)

The type of woman that a Leo would take as a mistress is a woman in power who can help his career.

He feels like she really gets him as she is constantly complimenting him. His mistress is very good at sex and always surprises him in bed, and then says how amazing he was by putting the focus back on him.

6. Virgo (August 23 – September 22

This may be a positive or a negative depending on how you look at it, but if your Virgo man is having an affair, you probably won’t know it — but they’re that mysterious and discreet.

The type of woman a Virgo will take as a mistress will appear to be perfect, as Virgos tend to be perfectionists. She’ll look great, be smart, and will make the Virgo man feel wanted and admired.

7. Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Libras are great at keeping things compartmentalized so that both women in his life feel loved and nobody gets hurt.

The type of woman a Libra takes as a mistress will be polyamorous and very charming.

She’s into spirituality and new age kind of stuff. The Libra man may lie to his mistress to make her believe that he has an open marriage.

8. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Scorpios aren’t big cheaters and they don’t like to lie, so if they have a mistress it’s because of some compelling reason, such as a wild sexual kink.

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The Scorpio mistress may be a dominatrix or some other kind of sex worker. She’s not afraid of his sexual appetites and she doesn’t hesitate to try and satisfy him.

9. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

It’s not easy to get a Sagittarius to commit, but when they do they’re usually faithful. However, if they’re feeling like their relationship is getting stale, they may feel justified to have an affair.

It wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for a Sagittarius to have a number of women in different cities all around the globe, especially if his job requires travel.

The Sagittarius’ mistress may not even know that she’s someone’s mistress and may not be complacent with his deception.

10. Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Capricorns are honorable so they’d sooner leave a relationship than cheat. However, if they were to take a mistress, she’d be completely the opposite of his wife.

When Capricorns stray, they pick highly inappropriate women. She’d be irresponsible, flashy, promiscuous — someone that, in Capricorn’s mind, needed saving.

11. Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Aquarius is only going to cheat if they think their partner is cheating on them. The type of woman they’d take as a mistress would be very smart, unusual, and creative. This woman will keep the Aquarius man guessing about almost everything, especially about her feelings. She’ll be very unemotional and calm.

12. Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Pisces men love to have secret love affairs, so it’s not unlikely that they’d have a mistress.

The kind of woman that Pisces would take as a mistress would be very confident and self-centered, so the Pisces man could devote much of his time to pleasing her.

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Falling in love with a married man is something women have been doing for a long time. Being a mistress is nothing new, but is it worth it?

How to be a mistress

So many women get involved with a married man because he makes promises of leaving his wife and getting into a committed relationship with them, and they usually end up waiting forever for him or end up just being his mistress- nothing more. The first thing you need to do before getting officially involved with a married man is to ask yourself some serious questions. The following questions will help you decide whether or not being a mistress is worth it.

Why a Married Man? It is important that you ask yourself why you would want to get involved with a married man in the first place? There are plenty of single men out there for you to get to know. If you did not know he was married at first, then perhaps you should ask yourself if you would want to get involved with a man who lied to you about his marital status.

Prepared to be Second Priority? One thing you should always keep in mind is that his wife and family will always come before you, no matter how many problems he claims to have at home. Keeping you as his secret mistress is an obvious sign that he is not ready to lose his spouse. If he was, then he would just leave her and be with you, but instead- he has chosen to spare her the pain and embarrassment because he loves her- and will continue to keep you a secret for as long as you let him. Are you ready to be second priority?

Self-Esteem Check. Being a mistress will play a big role on your self-esteem, making you slowly start to feel bad about yourself. You will feel alone and not important, because all you are is a secret mistress- no matter how much he tells you he loves you- you will still not be getting that official healthy committed relationship that you will eventually need and want for yourself. So do not neglect yourself and be sure to do a self-esteem check.

Are you ready to wait a long time? Getting involved with a married man is complicated and the relationship will be filled with repeated promises that will work at first, but will later leave you feeling helpless and restless. He will never just drop his wife and family for you, so ask yourself if you are ready to wait a long time for him to finally finalize his divorce- if he gets one. It is common for men to decide that they want to make their marriage work after all, so are you ready to not just wait a long time, but perhaps even end up not being with him in the end?

These are all essential question that you must answer honestly. Sure, having an affair can be fun, but when that stage of excitement slowly wears off and you enter another stage where you crave that closeness of an official one on one committed relationship, then you will start feeling the stress and pain of being a mistress. There are of course chances that he will end up leaving his wife for you- but is it worth waiting around to find out if that will happen? There are no guarantees.

So here’s the thing. My boyfriend is very dominant in the bedroom. I love this about him. He knows exactly what to do, what feels good to me, always takes control and is very manly. He has great intuition in the bedroom, always switching it up, making sure we are both having a good time and achieving the best climaxes possible. He’s down for sex games, pretty much anything kinky he will do. I really do like this as well and I want to get more involved with it. The only thing is that he wants me to be more dominant, to tell him what to do. I really want to, I just don’t have the bedroom confidence, nor do I really know what to ask for. The problem is everything he does FEELS GREAT! Like he doesn’t need room for improvement at all but he wants me to give him orders. I really want to return the favor but I don’t really know what to say to him because he does everything correctly. Please help!

First off, kudos to your boyfriend for being the kind of partner who feels good about communicating with you and exploring your desires. And for being a magical sex unicorn, apparently. It’s curious to me that you like every single thing your boyfriend does in bed, but you can’t articulate any of it verbally. This is going to sound very after-school special, but you need to have a sex talk—with yourself. If you can’t express what you want to yourself, then you’ll never be able to do so with a partner either. So start now. Get out a piece of paper and write down 10 specific things you like, either when you’re masturbating (and I really hope you are masturbating because that’s one of the easiest ways to figure out what feels good), or when you’re having sex with your boyfriend. Some examples: "I like to have my arms pinned down," or "I love fingernails raked down my back," or "I want to be called Shockra, Mistress of the Dark." You don’t have to share this with anyone; sometimes simply writing down our desires makes them feel less vague or intimidating.

Once you’ve got a short list of things that make you hot, then you’re in a better position of putting those things into practice. Dominance in bed involves some technical skill—you can’t just grab a bullwhip and start swinging, for instance—but really, it’s mostly about confidence. There have been recent studies (http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2011/01/25/jane-mcgonigals-reality-is-broken-how-videogames-change-the-world.html) that showed when people took on the role of a powerful or attractive avatar in a video game for 90 seconds, their confidence levels were boosted for the entire day, and they were more likely to flirt with other people they were hot for. The takeaway is not that we should all be playing more video games, but that doing things that make us feel confident have a lasting effect on our confidence in general. If you’re having trouble communicating what you want in bed, do something beforehand that makes you feel competent and rawr, whether that’s dancing to TLC, completing a really hard Sudoku, making a soufflé, etc.

One trick that’s worked for me is to make small, authoritative requests in nonsexual situations. Buy me a drink. Carry my purse. Farmboy, fetch me that pitcher. These kinds of playful commands can serve as foreplay as well, depending on the mood you’re in and how far you want to take it.

A friend and professional dominant in Chicago had these tips to add: "Dominance is posture, attitude, and language. Put on something that makes you feel powerful and sexy. Speak with command. You don’t need to yell or call your boyfriend names, but speak with authority. Say what you want and expect it to be done. Own yourself and your desires. Hold yourself with confidence. Don’t slouch.

Start small and basic. Commanding your partner to go down on you and how will get you comfortable with being in charge without venturing off into things you may not yet want to try. Try repeating some of your favorite sexual encounters, but with yourself in command. That way, you have a ‘script’ to work from, but the novelty of role reversal makes it exciting. I’m biased, but getting a professional involved might be exciting. I love to top a man while his girlfriend helps me."

Ultimately, the best way to learn anything is to just f**king do it. You can start slow. No one’s going to expect you to suddenly snarl, "Sit on my face, bitch!" But the more you practice a "pull my hair" here and a "tease me" there, the easier it gets. And don’t forget to ask your boyfriend for patience and encouragement. Like training for an Iron Man or getting knocked up on purpose, it’s always better when you have someone else rooting for you to succeed.

You’re a freaking genius!

Sent by Chris Jones on November 20, 2002

Who can argue against science?

Sent by John Anderson on November 21, 2002

neat stuff, but imo the range might be: from x / 2 + 6 to x + (x / 3)

Sent by rOTTEn on November 22, 2002

Sent by Mark Vracar on November 25, 2002

Aaaaah math . Now that’s amoré.

Sent by Tim on November 29, 2002

Mmmm. Nice concept. Probably a Greek mathematician. I’ve seen this variously attributed to Plato and Lao Tzu.

Sent by ampliphibian on December 6, 2002

I couldn’t agree more – but I’d be satisfied with just getting laid more than once in a blue moon.

Sent by big john on December 16, 2002

I would like to determine the age for boyfriend.

Sent by Jerusa de Paula on December 21, 2002

Zsa Zsa said that a young woman should marry a man who is in his 40s. He will die when she is in her 40s. She, then at her sexual peak, should marry a man who is 18, now at his sexual peak. She will die when he is in his 40s. He should then marry a girl who is 18. She said that everyone gets his/her ya-yas out, and that no one will fight over money.

Sent by parkeru on December 25, 2002

OK, ya got the auto-age-calculator, now how about the auto-woman-FINDER?

Sent by Fred Mees on December 29, 2002

Hey, I’m 62 and still horney as hell. What age should I be looking at? I’m thinking, any woman under 40. Any advice?

Sent by Gary Molitor on January 1, 2003

WOW that’s amazing! I have had failed relations, cheaters, nut jobs and my last one was perfect; been together 6 years and we are just like the day we met; totally in love and your chart got her age exactly!

Sent by Eddie on January 12, 2003

For years I have been telling all my friends in L.A. this rule and they all claimed I was nuts or they never heard of it! I am sending this link to everyone.

Sent by Mark on February 6, 2003

I tearing up that’s so effing beautiful.

Sent by Jim on February 10, 2003

But this makes NO sense cause statistically women outlive men. Men and women should switch columns on this table. 😉 When I am 55, a 34 year old stud would suit me just fine.

Sent by McKayl on February 10, 2003

The formula for the perfect age of your next boyfriend is (x-7)*2, where x is the age of the woman.

Sent by bu on February 19, 2003

Get rid of the +7 IMO. 😉

Sent by DK on March 3, 2003

you fucking assholes. I’m 30 and there’s no way I would get in bed with a 46 year-old creepy thing. No thanks- I prefer fresh meat.

Sent by mabel on March 6, 2003

Hey Mabel, 46 ain’t that far ahead of thirty. HHmm, will YOU be creepy at 46? Yeah, so you say.

Sent by The Sausage King of Chicago on March 28, 2003

I believe the +7 is so that they are legal, so that would mean for Alabama and Mississippi it would have to be -7.

Sent by blacthorn on March 28, 2003

Great, what a fucking genius.

Sent by PMG on March 28, 2003

mabel, i am only 32. 🙂

Sent by Sam on April 11, 2003

Hey Mabel, get real. It’s like in dog years. A 30 year old gal IS equivalent to a 46 year old guy. Besides, thirty somethings can’t pay for all stuff you babes love to consume.

Sent by No Bullshit on April 29, 2003

Ah, ageism at its best combined with sexism at its worst 🙂 However, wrp to my current relationship, our ages at the time we got together fit the formula EXACTLY! And we have had a very stable and happy relationship for eight years now. So if anything, his calculation seems to be for first encounters. If you want the relationship to last, don’t use the formula 😉

Sent by M on May 17, 2003

Human beings should all be born as women and then undergo a transformation into men in their mid-thirties. That would solve the age issue *so* neatly! Nature’s clearly not a good problem-solver. (But zat’z vhat ve haf science for. )

Sent by Ool on May 17, 2003

Ok, nice formula – but also important is the body-here is my hint: height(cm)/weight(kgs)= anything >=3 is perfect!

Sent by Marshall on August 15, 2003

I am 29 and would be willing to do a 45 year old if there was something in it for me!

Sent by Michelle on October 1, 2003

Good formula. I have fond memories of getting some 9 year old ass as a 4 year old.

Sent by Freshmilk on October 24, 2003

Sent by 38-yr-old woman on November 2, 2003

Michelle, you are a whore.

Sent by God on November 13, 2003

your numbers are on the money. my girlfriend is 21 and im 31. sweet.

Sent by John on December 6, 2003

Young cunts go for old dicks because those “loving” relationships include the exchange of worldly goods: Relationships between men and women always involve the exchange of money, and they range from hiring by the quarter hour all the way to the institution of marriage. If you think that marriage is not an expensive proposition, you have not considered the total cost of a wife. Why would a young cunt go for an old dick? Because old guys can pay for shoes, wardrobe, makeup, perfumes, car, room and board, etc! Also, the prettiest young women wind up with the guys with the biggest, longest, thickest, hardest bank accounts. If a woman is over 30, she’s out of the running for that kind of job because she’s too old and because her looks faded when she was in her late 20s.

Sent by [email protected] on December 18, 2003

I’m 35 yo mum, at my prime (wouldn’t have known how to relax & enjoy when I was younger). older, sexier, wiser & not afraid to do/say EVERYTHING! about to have a fling with a DELICIOUS 18yo guy. He has a thing for me & visa versa (we have for 2 years, but he would have been WAY TOO young then. Now he’s ready. He won’t know what’s hit him!! He’ll learn alot. you guys are driving down the wrong road!!

Sent by yummymummy on March 25, 2004

Gee, us gals also have a roughly equivalent system. Take man’s age, divide by 2 and you have the mental age you are actually dating (always a good reality check). Age a man is that’s most desireable to date: Women at any legal dating age = Men at 31 with mutant gene that forces their mental age (see above) to keep up with their physical age.

Sent by Bling Myself on June 9, 2004

Is there an equivalent table for us gay men? If personal ads are any indicator, once a guy hits 39 he won’t speak to any guy over 35. And once he hits his mid-40’s it’s under 25 or nothing.

Sent by Scramcat on July 7, 2004

Hmm, by definition, Michelle, if you do someone there is something it it for you! The question is where do you want it? Unfortunately, at age 41 I am too young for you.

This article was published more than 9 years ago. Some information may no longer be current.

Sarah Symonds, mistress of Lord Jeffrey Archer and Gordon Ramsay and author of a new book Having An Affair? A Handbook for the Other Woman, at the Gerard Lounge in Vancouver. Rafal Gerszak

For a married woman, a night out at a bar with Sarah Symonds can be terrifying. Sitting in a dim private lounge in a luxury hotel in downtown Vancouver, Ms. Symonds – a self-styled infidelity analyst – sipped on a glass of chardonnay and offered a play-by-play of the various plot lines evolving around us. Hotel bars – second to conferences, she says – are ground zero for extramarital activities.

“A lot of trouble starts over too much alcohol,” said Ms. Symonds, 42, as Bob Seger’s Night Moves played in the background. “It removes a lot of inhibitions. Especially for the married man. It often removes his wedding ring as well.”

She would know. Ms. Symonds has turned being a mistress into a career, with a new Canadian reality series premiering this month.

Her first affair, with a man she met while visiting family in Abu Dhabi, dates back 20 years. She got a taste of the mystery, the intensity, the attention – and she was hooked. She went on to have multiple affairs with powerful, wealthy, high-profile married men (she won’t say how many) both in the U.K., where she’s from, and in the U.S., where she worked for a time. While she has no doubt been the cause of a lot of heartbreak, there was one man – Mr. X, she calls him – who “annihilated” her heart, inspiring her in 2007 to self-publish a book: Having an Affair? A Handbook for the Other Woman.

She gained the most notoriety after her name was linked with that of celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay (who denied the two were having an affair.) A taste of the British paparazzi convinced her to get out of the mistress game. She was done being the other woman.

She moved back in with her parents (who are marking 60 years of marriage this year) and from her teenaged bedroom in a tiny village in Wales, she established Mistresses Anonymous, a 13-step program modeled on AA’s 12 steps. She created a website and a blog, and started counselling women online to get them out of “counterfeit relationships” – and offer them a bit of sympathy, as well.

“Nobody ever wants to talk about the other woman, but we’re people too – making bad decisions, but we’re not bad people,” she says. “Everything is about the wife, everything is about the man who’s cheating. What about the woman who’s discarded? She gave her heart to this man. What happens to her?”

She says she tries to respond personally, no charge, to every e-mail she gets – but after appearing on The Oprah Winfrey Show, The View and 20/20, it’s becoming impossible.

Nobody in the U.S. would touch her idea for a reality series – in which she would help other women leave affairs – but she found a partner in Vancouver’s Great Pacific Media. Last year, Ms. Symonds held M.A. meetings in Vancouver and in Ontario. From these, she had all the “other women” she needed for the show (some of them alter their appearance, and the men are never identified). Ms. Symonds has also completed her own transformation. She is now evangelical about her former addiction; You will not, she promises, find anyone more against infidelity than her.

The Mistress premieres on Slice on Aug. 29. Think Intervention meets Sex and the City, says Ms. Symonds.

In the “perfect playground,” as she calls it, of the dark Vancouver bar, Ms. Symonds points out the extramarital dangers lurking nearby. “There’s some chemistry going on over at that table; some eye contact being made,” says Ms. Symonds in her exotic Welsh accent. She is tall, blonde and beautiful, but mistresses, she says, come in all shapes and sizes. “They’re not all 20 with blonde hair and big boobs.”

And they are not solely responsible for a man’s indiscretions, she says. “Everyone wants to blame the other woman,” she says. “The irony is this man is risking his wife, his family. . He’s the one choosing to break his home. So he’s really the homewrecker.”

(Tempted, Squeeze’s infidelity cautionary tale, is now playing in the background.)

The other woman, she says, is actually an enabler; she’s giving the man what he doesn’t get at home (on the most basic level, sex, but ego-stroking too in the form of her interest and attention), allowing him to continue, satisfied, in his marriage.

There are three types of men who cheat, she says. There’s the serial philanderer – usually rich, maybe famous – who may have a great marriage and a great wife, but isn’t satisfied with one of anything and can sweep women up with extravagant gifts and attention. Then there’s the man who wants a bit of activity on the side – and will promise the world to get it. Type three is the only one Ms. Symonds has any time for: the genuinely unhappily married man who falls in love with someone else. But if the guy doesn’t leave his wife in the first three to six months of the affair, she warns, he’s never leaving.

Beyond helping women get out of their affairs, Ms. Symonds says she can also help wives hold onto their husbands. Take a page out of the mistress’s handbook, she encourages. Be sexy. Pay attention to him.

“Mistresses make great wives,” she says.

“We all want to be feminists; we want to be equals. But guess what? … If you want to wear your ugly t-shirt and your jeans around the house and act like a man, that’s what you’re going to get. And he’s going to go out and find a pretty young mistress who is sexy. It’s just a fact.”

Ms. Symonds, who is now in the early stages of a (normal! she says) romance with a Canadian guy, genuinely sees herself as a lifeline to these women, even tearing up in the bar when she gets an e-mail from a woman in the Philippines in a desperate situation.

“I am fighting infidelity on a global basis,” she says. “Everyone’s got a past but it’s what you do with it in helping other people. People do deserve a second chance, and if I can change my life, anybody can.”

How to be a mistress

It takes two people to have an affair. Despite this fact, there is a clear disparity in the way the public generally discusses extramarital relationships. Heterosexual men who have affairs are just heterosexual men who had affairs. But, the women with whom they have those affairs quickly get labeled with another term, one for which there is no effective male equivalent in English: mistress.

As Kelly McBride observed for the Poynter Institute for Media Studies, the word mistress made prominent appearances in early 2019 thanks to Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos’s alleged affair with anchor and actor Lauren Sanchez—or his mistress, as many headlines dubbed her. Another notable so-called mistress was Lucero Guadalupe Sánchez López, lover of Joaquín Guzmán, the drug lord better known as El Chapo.

What does the word mistress imply about women, and why is it problematic?

First, what is a mistress?

Mistress is recorded in English around the 1300s, when it originally referred to “a woman who has authority, control, or power, especially the female head of a household, institution, or other establishment.” Think the headmistress of a school.

The word ultimately comes from a French female form of maistre, meaning “master.” The title Mrs. is an abbreviation of mistress, first recorded in the early 17th century, as mistress was used as a respectful term of address for a married woman.

By the mid-1400s, mistress was naming a “woman who has a continuing, extramarital sexual relationship with one man, especially a man who, in return for an exclusive and continuing liaison, provides her with financial support.” Over time, mistress narrowed to this sense—a word with no real male counterpart, perhaps ironically for a word that began as one.

Is mistress offensive?

Referring to someone as a mistress may seem more acceptable if there were a similar term we could apply to men, but there isn’t quite one.

Lover can apply to all genders, as does the more stilted- or literary-sounding paramour. For these reasons, many see the word mistress as outdated, sexist, and moralizing.

In the wake of the February 2019 reporting of Sanchez as Bezos’s mistress, journalist Emily Peck wrote a piece for HuffPost titled “Mistress Is A Sexist Word. Stop Using It. The End.” She argues: “It’s a loaded term, meant to suggest that a woman is subordinate to the man with whom she’s having a relationship. The word also implies that her behavior is immoral.”

To use mistress to describe Lauren Sanchez can seem to imply that she is responsible for the affair, while Bezos’s behavior is more accepted or even overlooked entirely. Last year, amid debate over the word, the Associated Press (AP) Stylebook advised journalists to use mistress only in circumstances in which an affair took place over a long period of time and involved financial support. However, the AP also advised that, whenever possible, “phrasing that acknowledges both people in the relationship is preferred: ‘The two were romantically (or sexually) involved.’” At the time, this phrasing suggested mistress had evolved as a more general term for a married man’s girlfriend.

The AP has now amended its stance and advised journalists to avoid the term altogether: “We now say not to use the archaic and sexist term ‘mistress’ for a woman in a long-term sexual relationship with, and financially supported by, a man who is married to someone else. Instead, use an alternative like companion or lover on first reference. Provide details later.”

The problem with mistress, for many, is its implications regardless of intent. Mistress, they argue, almost always labels a woman as an outsider, a seductress, a threat. Mistress paints women as being solely responsible for the transgression of having an affair while also framing them as submissive to the wills of their male lover. The word seems to allow men to retain power even in a situation in which they are also culpable.

Are there other words only gendered as female?

Warning: There is some strong language featured in this section.There are a number of words in the English language used to describe women, particularly when it comes to sex and relationships, that don’t have a male equivalent.