You are sad, broken hearted, and your life has been radically altered. The person you have been spending the most time with is no longer a part of your life. All the rituals you had and the everyday exchanges that gave you joy are gone, as is the dream of what you hoped to create together. Every relationship we start has the potential of breaking up and we all hope that we will never see the day. Even if the breakup is desired, the effects can still be challenging to deal with and may leave you wondering who you are. Reinventing yourself after a breakup is a natural next-step after this confusion.
No matter how independent we are, relationships shape us. We emerge different than we were when we began. Some of who we have become we may love, some of who we have become may seem like a sacrifice that was not worth it, and some of who we have become may feel like it died with the end of the relationship. Sometimes who we have become is so far from who we want to be that we feel like we need to start from scratch. The question is, how do we reinvent ourselves after a breakup?
- Let go of loose ends: It can be tempting to hold onto memories, both large and small. Items that represented your love are often found in your environment. Plans you held together can still be floating through your mind. The more that you can clear things out and open the door to new things the faster you will be able to discover the new you and create the new life that you are craving.
Be frivolous and have fun: Nothing looks better on you than laughter and happiness. The sadness of your breakup can weigh you down. The easiest way to counteract this heaviness is to make it a point to have fun. Try doing something that you have always wanted to do, but didn’t because you convinced yourself it was not practical or it was too frivolous. Create silly moments of novelty. Building moments of happiness and fun into your life will help you feel better about yourself and more creative as you consider redefining your life in general.
Pay attention to how you look: You might be a meticulous dresser or you might throw on the first thing you lay hands on in your dark closet. We all have a certain part of our identity that is tied to our appearance, whatever that appearance might be. When we’re uncertain about other parts of our identity, like after a breakup, it’s easy to be shaken out of our usual appearance identity. Exercising choice by pushing yourself to put effort into how you look will help you reconnect with yourself and seize a basic and fun step in reinventing yourself. Looking good for you (not anyone else) is healthy and helpful at any point in time.
Pay attention to how you feel: I am not talking about the sadness that you feel as a result of your break up. I am talking about the things, little and big, that put a smile on your face or make you feel good inside. If you want to create a new version of you that you like even more than the current model, you want to start to pay attention to what you like and what you don’t. The easiest way to do this is to pay attention to how you feel when you are doing things. If you are not feeling good, you might want to consider letting go of that activity and beginning to do things differently.
Spend time with people who love the real you: Nothing helps you move on and feel strong enough to try new things like being seen by people who really get you and love you as you are. Take some time to recharge your batteries by surrounding yourself with people who truly appreciate you for all of who you are. Even better if these people are so supportive that they will also embrace the changes that you are planning to make!
Spend time with yourself: Alone time is essential to making sure that you are connected with yourself and in touch with your emotions. Moving on after a breakup is not so much about keeping on the go as it is about a healthy balance of activity and introspection. Give yourself the time you need to just be, feel your feelings, and imagine into your wide-open future.
Rekindle dreams: When we are in a relationship, it begins to shape who we are. Sometimes dreams we had as a single person get put to the side because they do not fit well into a relationship. Now is a great time to bring these dreams to the forefront yet again, and to create some new dreams!
Whether you’re reinventing yourself after a breakup or just because you feel it’s time for a change, try these resources for reinventing yourself.
Tips and tricks to self discovery after a relationship!
Here’s a handful of things you can do to become a better you after a bad breakup.
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Is the NBA losing to College basketball for some sports fans?
The annual ESPY award show put on by ESPN was created to reward athletes from around the world for their hard work, skill, determination and more. When Former NFL superstar quarterback Peyton Manning was hosting the ceremony, and in the opening of the show, he absolutely shredded NBA champion Kevin Durant’s move to the Golden State Warriors to create what many sports fans called a “super team.”
This term is one that applies mostly to basketball and originates from the Miami Heat of a few years ago who signed Lebron James and Chris Bosh to join Dwayne Wade and form the NBA’s super team. Durant remained unimpressed as Manning poked fun at him by complementing the United States Olympic gymnastics team who captured the hearts of America during the Rio Olympic games last summer.
Manning said “and our gymnastics team was so dominant, that Kevin Durant told me he wants to play for them next year. and I gotta tell you I don’t think you would start for that team Kevin.”
He went on to bring Durant’s former teammate in Oklahoma City, Russell Westbrook, to the joke. Westbrook showed clear disdain for Durant following his relocation to the California coast and games featuring the two stars often got chippy. Peyton was full of NBA rips throughout the night as he proceeded to hammer home the negativity and criticism of basketball.
Manning later stated, “Remember that tonight it doesn’t matter who wins or loses just like the NBA regular season.”
Many sports fans find it hard to watch the NBA. They often view it as a lot of fanfare for a product that does not really impress with “real” basketball. Many contend that college basketball is more entertaining because of the deep rivalries and the style of play. College basketball is more focused on defense and in March Madness, anyone can win. In the NBA, super teams and superstars are often the deciding factor before the game even starts. NBA commissioner Adam Silver has shown a free market approach to the league and has allowed many trades and signings in order to assemble super teams. Oklahoma City were one of the first examples of a super team after the Heat and now Golden State has taken over as the power of the league. They won all but one playoff game en route to the NBA title this season which was not a surprise to many. Just one year prior, Lebron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers came back from a 3-1 deficit to beat Steph Curry and Golden State in the finals. The league has been dominated by Golden State from the West and Cleveland in the Eastern Conference. In the playoffs, both teams eased their way to the finals. The Warriors lost no games until the finals and Cleveland only lost once before they bowed out to Golden State in five games. What is exciting about a predictable league. Shouldn’t the commissioner try to even out the teams? Is he not responsible for encouraging fair play and increasing the competitiveness of the league?
By creating a super team and allowing the league to rally around it, the league alienates the fans of “less important” markets like the Milwaukee Bucks among many other NBA franchises. They cater to the bandwagon fans who are only interested in following a team who wins. The NBA obtains its revenue from bandwagon fans who buy tons of merchandise from their “favorite” team. Many contend that the NBA is really not producing the most entertaining product. The games are generally very high scoring and many players and teams could care less about defense. Basketball breaks the old cliche that defense wins championships. It is all about scoring and more scoring. The rules favor the offense and it is hard for teams to defend.
Basketball gets a ton of coverage on the news from ESPN and other sports news networks. ESPN also over-covers basketball. Every show, if you look at the time spent talking about each subject, the overwhelming majority of time is spent on basketball. NBA games are short and often do not even matter until the last four quarters. The sport is a lot of up and down scoring basket after basket. I want to enjoy basketball. But it is hard to stay interested in. The aspect of competition level is a huge detractor for me as well. How can anyone root for a team when the disparity in talent between two teams is overwhelming. The difference between the Golden State Warriors and the Philadelphia 76ers is vast. Games are exciting when they are competitive. The talk of super teams is a problem. ESPN has been covering a lot of rumors during the NBA offseason about stars like Paul George and Carmelo Anthony leaving their teams to go and join up with teams like the Houston Rockets to try and create a super team capable of toppling the Warriors in the Western Conference. How is that exciting as few teams get better and more teams get worse when they lose their stars?
The league makes a lot of money. They just signed a new TV contract and raised the salary cap a lot. This means that nearly every player is making a lot of money and many are getting overpaid because teams have to spend a certain amount of money per year. Even Richard Sherman from the Seattle Seahawks encouraged other football players to go on strike in order to make NBA level money. It is great that NBA players can make money but do some low level players deserve to be making ridiculous sums of money? Even if they barely play or are barely on the team?
The NBA needs to put a more competitive and exciting product on the court. They need to do more for the fans of small market teams and they could even expand the league to draw more interest from more sports fans. The insane amounts of money they make and the less exciting product they put on the court. College basketball, in my opinion takes the cake in producing a more exciting game. Nothing in the NBA garners as much interest as March Madness and they are way more predictable which is part of the NBA finals. The NBA is hard to watch and the league should check its priorities to try and create a more exciting and competitive league.
Young alone girl feeling sad
Breakups can be painful. But the pain of a breakup can serve a positive purpose: it can be the catalyst to reinventing yourself. After a breakup, you have new-found free time and the motivation to make a change.
How do you go about making a positive change?
Consider these strategies:
- Find a healthy weight. Breakups can be a tremendous motivator to either lose fat or gain muscle. Show your ex what they’re missing! Focus on developing habits that will lead you to your bodyweight goal. Hire a personal trainer if you can afford one.
- A healthy diet, exercise, and patience are all you need. Changing your weight is certainly challenging, but many people still manage to do it. Use your breakup as motivation.
- Take a class. Take a course at a local college and learn something new. You’ll get out of the house, meet new people, and learn some new information. What better way could you spend your time?
- Learn a new skill. If you’re going to reinvent yourself, go all out. Learn to do something new that will enhance your professional or social life. Join Toastmasters or take an acting class. Work on your speed-dating skills. Think of all the new things you can learn that would enhance your life. Pick one and get busy.
- Update your wardrobe.The clothes you choose to wear say a lot about you. Ensure they’re saying what you want them to say. Take your most fashion-conscious friend shopping with you and keep your mind open. Allow your friend to choose a few outfits for you. You can bet you’ll make a new impression on everyone you know.
- Learn to be more assertive. Is it possible to be too assertive? Maybe, but you’re probably not there yet. Being assertive means that you’re willing to share your opinions, wants, and needs. This confidence is attractive to others and will do a lot to enhance your life.
- Perfect your listening skills.Nothing will help your social life and relationships more than perfecting your ability to listen. Those with the worst listening skills have tremendous social difficulties. They come off as rude, disinterested, and odd. Stop your brain from searching for the next witty thing to say and learn to pay attention.
- Remove the dead weight from your life. Drop the commitments, clothing, items, and people from your life that no longer serve your greater purpose. Everyone gets off course after a few years. Now is the perfect time to right the ship and clean house. Things that were right for you five years ago may have lost their usefulness.
Get over your breakup by focusing on yourself. Join a gym and make some new friends. Learn something new. Reinvent yourself into a person you respect and enjoy. Create a life that excites you!
Use your breakup to your advantage. It might be the best thing that ever happened to you!
Transformation has always been a huge theme in my life, so it’s no wonder why I specialize in helping female entrepreneurs with their own transformation. If this concept seems foreign to you, think about who you were in high school versus who you were when you started college. We are constantly reinventing ourselves whether or not we are conscious of it.
The most prevalent transformations that have occurred throughout my adult life have been surrounding the relationship I have with myself, my body, men and dating, and of course, my career. My life drastically changed in 2017 when I decided to quit my 9-5 (without a plan), break-up with my boyfriend, start my own business and make my happiness my number one priority.
I was working at a world-renowned eating disorder treatment center with a Bachelors in Psychology, a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy, a Holistic Health Coaching Certification, and a Certification in the Psychology of Eating under my belt…yet I was radically unhappy and unfulfilled. My life looked great on paper, but it didn’t feel great.
Fast forward to 2019: I am a Women’s Empowerment and Transformation Mentor, and love what I do.
I support female entrepreneurs in embodying the next-level version of themselves while developing unshakeable confidence, and ultimately show up authentically while owning their unique gifts. I have helped countless women build and scale their service-based businesses online and heal their relationship with money. My clients range from CEOs to coaches to influencers. That said, I never get bored.
So how did I go about reinventing my life in this transformation?
We’ve all heard the saying, “You can’t do the same thing and expect different results.” That’s because it’s true. So, in order for you to reinvent yourself, you need to do things differently—you need to embody the version of yourself who is living the life you want. How does this upgraded version of you show up? How does she carry herself? How does she speak to people? How does she speak to herself?
“In order for you to reinvent yourself, you need to do things differently.”
I got very clear on the type of life I wanted and my desires. I consistently journaled and visualized what I wanted my ideal life to look like. I would consciously try to visualize and feel what my ideal daily life would be like in regards to my career, relationship with my body, dating, how I “showed up”, where I was living, where I wanted to travel to, my relationships with others, etc.
I got incredibly specific about what I was ready to call into my life and what I was willing to accept from others as well as with myself (internally and externally). I still journal daily and write out my goals and desires as if they have already happened. I also ask myself “What can I do this week/today/right now to get into the vibe of the next-level version of me?”
Though my recommendations above will definitely help you, there’s the catch. You must feel you are worthy and deserving of your desires in order to receive them. If we attract what we think, then it’s very important to work very seriously on our mindsets.
It is totally normal to have some stuff come up when you’re in the process of transforming your life and reinventing yourself. I always say, “We all have stories we tell ourselves, about ourselves.” Unfortunately, the majority of the time these stories aren’t even ours – they are fabrications that have been projected onto us by various influencing means (such as parents, caregivers, and even the media.)
Any time you have a negative thought, I want you to decide whether or not it’s ultimately true. Take a moment to reframe your non-serving beliefs into one’s that serve you. Something I like to do is set alarms on my phone that are positive affirmations. This is the first step in reprogramming your mind and ultimately transforming your life.
Journaling, visualizing, doing inner work, and having a support system in place help to jumpstart the reinvention process. I highly recommend investing in a mentor you vibe with, surrounding yourself with good friends and becoming aware of what you consume and who you are “following” online.
Decluttering your life (in every sense) is also a game-changer. It’s time to clean your room, your car, your closet (get rid of anything that doesn’t make you feel confident), your fridge, bad habits, toxic friends and family members, and even your newsfeed. You need to clean and feed your mind, body, and soul the best if you want to better yourself.
Reinventing yourself is something that takes time but is definitely worth it. You only live once (unless you believe in reincarnation) so why not make this a lifetime you are proud of? These tips may seem a bit overly simplified and abstract, yet it obviously takes work to achieve your desired outcomes. Mentors and coaches can help, and taking women along this journey from beginning to end, is something I am sincerely passionate about.
Every day you are given the opportunity to make better choices and to improve your life. You get to choose what your life looks and feels like. You are incredible and so ready to elevate your life. I’m here for you.
You are probably depressed at the moment. Your ex broke up with and you are still finding it difficult to believe what happened. You still have strong feeling for him or her and miss them so much; however, they don’t return your calls. You should make your ex miss you, rather than being desperate. This article reveals some simple ways to make your ex miss you.
First, you need to reinvent yourself. Usually, after a break up with someone you love, you tend to be depressed and weighed down by what happened. Therefore, you have to put yourself together and give more attention to yourself. Make it a point to pamper yourself to a face massage, manicure or pedicure. Get some new fashionable clothes. Change your hairdo. Start doing exercises to keep in shape. By appearing good outside, you’re simply making yourself attractive to those around you. Nobody wants to be around someone who is always sad and depressed. Appearing attractive is one of the ways to make your ex miss you.
Another way to make your ex miss you is to make yourself unavailable. Your ex thinks that you will be at reach at anytime or you are going to be there for them at all times even after the split up. Once you make yourself unavailable, you will make your ex reconsider the relationship. Making yourself unavailable simply implies no calling, texting, emailing or any other form of contact. Like the saying, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” your ex will realize how important you are to them once you are not readily available. The key is the more you make yourself unavailable, the more your ex will miss you.
Keeping yourself busy is another effective technique. Usually, during a relationship we can’t do certain things we love to do. So, now is the best time to do those things you have always wanted to do but couldn’t do because of the relationship. If there is a particular sport you love, this is the best to do it. Go on vacation to places you have always wanted to visit. Study a course you love. Do whatever it is to improve yourself. Engaging yourself with these activities will help to occupy your mind and make you to stop thinking about your ex. This will definitely make you unavailable. Your ex will be wondering if you have moved on and this will attract them back to you.
Having your ex leave you is devastating, but break up don’t always signal a permanent end to a relationship if you have a plan in place. If you want to mend your broken heart and have the person that you just can’t let go back into your life, then click here now.
By Kate Siner — Written on Jun 13, 2017
You are sad, broken hearted, and your life has been radically altered. The person you have been spending the most time with is no longer a part of your life. All the rituals you had and the everyday exchanges that gave you joy are gone, as is the dream of what you hoped to create together.
Every relationship we start has the potential of breaking up and we all hope that we will never see the day. Even if the breakup is desired, the effects can still be challenging to deal with and may leave us wondering who we are.
No matter how independent we are, relationships shape us. We emerge as a different person than we were when we began. Some may love some of who they’ve become, some may feel like they’ve made a sacrifice that wasn’t worth it, or some may feel like they died with the end of the relationship.
Sometimes who we’ve become is so far from who we want to be, and we feel like we need to start from scratch. The question is, how do we move on after a breakup and reinvent ourselves?
Here are 8 ways:
1. Let go of loose ends.
It can be tempting to hold onto memories, both large and small. Items that represented your love are often found in your environment. Plans you held together can still be floating through your mind.
The more you clear things out and open the door to new things, the faster you will be able to discover the new you and create the new life that you are craving.
2. Be frivolous and have fun.
Nothing looks better on you than laughter and happiness. The sadness of your breakup can weigh you down. The easiest way to counteract this heaviness is to make it a point to have fun.
Try doing something that you’ve always wanted to do but didn’t because you convinced yourself it was not practical or it was too frivolous. Create silly moments of novelty.
Building moments of happiness and fun into your life will help you feel better about yourself and more creative as you consider redefining your life in general.
3. Pay attention to how you look.
You might be a meticulous dresser or you might throw on the first thing you lay hands on in your dark closet. We all have a certain part of our identity that is tied to our appearance, whatever that appearance might be.
When we’re uncertain about other parts of our identity (like after a breakup), it’s easy to be shaken out of our usual appearance and identity.
Exercising choice by pushing yourself to put effort into how you look will help you reconnect with yourself and seize a basic and fun step in reinventing yourself. Looking good for you (not anyone else) is healthy and helpful at any point in time.
4. Pay attention to how you feel.
I’m not talking about the sadness that you feel as a result of your breakup. I am talking about the things, little and big, that put a smile on your face or make you feel good inside. If you want to create a new version of yourself that you like even more than the current model, you want to start to pay attention to what you like and what you don’t.
The easiest way to do this is to pay attention to how you feel when you are doing things. If you are not feeling good, you might want to consider letting go of that activity and begin to do things differently.
5. Spend time with people who love the real you.
Nothing helps you move on and feel strong enough to try new things like being seen by people who really get you and love you as you are. Take some time to recharge your batteries by surrounding yourself with people who truly appreciate you for all of who you are.
Even better if these people are so supportive, they will also embrace the changes that you are planning to make!
6. Spend time with yourself.
Alone time is essential to making sure that you are connected with yourself and in touch with your emotions. Moving on after a breakup is not so much about keeping on the go as it is about a healthy balance of activity and introspection.
Give yourself the time you need to just be, feel your feelings, and imagine into your wide-open future.
A bad breakup sucks, but unfortunately almost everyone has to go through something like that in a lifetime (unless you were born in India and must listen to your parents’ instructions regarding an arranged marriage). So, how can you get over a bad breakup with a hot girlfriend that damages your soul?
When a hot girlfriend becomes an ex, she has given you an opportunity to reinvent yourself.
- Allocate a specific period of time per day to release your emotions. Chances are you still have to go to work every day and you can’t show your emotions at work (unless you are the owner of the company and you don’t care). When you sit in the office during the daytime and sadness caused by the bad breakup comes to find you, you can say this to sadness, “Please go away right now. I’ll deal with you tonight.” What you should do is to allocate half an hour per night to deal with your difficult emotions, e.g. after dinner and a shower/bath, you spend 30 minutes from 9pm to 9:30pm every night to process the hard emotions such as sadness and anxiety caused by the breakup with your hot girlfriend. Remember to set your alarm clock which definitely rings at 9:30pm. When the alarm clock rings, you have to stop the emotions regarding the breakup and read a book before going to sleep.
- Release your emotions with the help of movies and TV shows. Entertainment is more powerful than you think. Experts claim that psychology can only treat symptoms, but entertainment, literature and religion can treat the root cause of mental problems. Therefore, you should use entertainment to help you when you just broke up with a hot girlfriend. For example, when you feel depressed and you want to cry, you can watch a sad movie such as Bridges of Madison County, The Reader or Titanic and allow yourself to cry like a child loudly. That’s the best way to release your emotions. Please note that you have to release your emotions in order to be physically healthy. It is said that women have a longer lifespan than men because women oftentimes release their emotions, whereas men tend to hide their emotions. So, when you watch a sad movie, just allow yourself to cry! If you feel very angry because your hot girlfriend’s adultery caused the breakup, then you must release your anger by punching a pillow and yelling at it at the same time. That will help you feel much better afterwards. Again, don’t hide your feelings and emotions about the breakup; just release them so that you can set your spirit free. Lastly, don’t forget that you can also watch some comedies and laugh like a child. For instance, when you watch Friends on TV, it’s perfectly okay to laugh on the floor like a 3-year-old boy. This is a great workout without going to the gym!
- Change what you can control and make peace with the rest . Let’s say your hot girlfriend dumped you and you are single again. In this case, nine times out of ten, your hot girlfriend didn’t want to screw you over – she simply wants to look for her own happiness, hence the breakup. It’s good to know that everyone only did what they could with what they knew at that time – now isn’t this liberating? Also, you may find this technique helpful: Write down everything that bothers you right now; circle the items that you can control; delete the items that you cannot control. Now only work on the things that you can actually control and forget about the things that you can’t control anyway. If your hot girlfriend did something really evil to you, try to forgive her if you can. If you really can’t forgive her because what she did was too bad, then you’d better understand that there is a difference between forgiveness and letting go. Letting go doesn’t mean you’ve forgiven her and forgotten what she did to you. Letting go means you don’t allow what your hot girlfriend did to bother your future so that you can live your life on your terms – don’t give her too much power!
- Reading can help you reinvent yourself . Do you remember when you went to university (or a new workplace), you kind of reinvented yourself? That’s right – when you enter a new environment, it’s easy to reinvent yourself and rock up as a new person. If you aren’t going to change your environment these days, you can still reinvent yourself by reading different books. A case in point is changing the information you put into your brain – those who only play video games should watch some movies; those who only read non-fiction books should read some novels. By doing something different, your brain absorbs different information, thereby becoming a different brain. Dr Joe Dispenza says you can literally become someone else if you work on changing your brain. As a result, you can read his books such as Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself and Evolve Your Brain.
- Do what makes you happy . If you have a hobby, don’t give it up simply because of the bad breakup. If you don’t have a hobby, think about what makes you happy – travel, music, art, food? Just do something that makes you happy every day and you’ll see the difference over time. You would be well-advised to know that the negativity caused by the bad breakup won’t go away in one day, but it will disappear if you keep working on yourself.
Things You Need to Do Immediately After a Breakup
Breaking up can be hard, to say the least. But everything happens for a reason. It’s time to move on and be better than ever. Here are some ways that you can reinvent yourself after a break-up, and show your ex what they’re missing.
1. Change your hair
Probably the most cliche of all, featured in every rom-com imaginable. Don’t think you have to completely change your style after a break-up. But this is the perfect time to decide if you want to re-vamp your look. A new hairstyle can give you a sense of confidence you never knew you had.
2. Do that one thing you always wanted to do
Now is the time to get started on something you finally have time for. Relationships can be all-consuming, with most of your time being dictated to by the other person. Try joining new clubs or taking up a new hobby. Painting, going to the gym, reading or playing sports. Having fun will act as a distraction and take your mind off things, giving you an outlet to meet new people.
Creating new experiences and seeing different places, enhances you as a person. Travelling with friends or going solo will change your life for the better. There’s a world out there bigger and better than your ex, and it’s time to explore it.
Releasing endorphins is one of the best ways to boost your mood. Sign up for a gym membership, or go jogging in your local park. Nothing beats having a revenge body, so toning up shows your ex what they’re missing.
5. Update your music playlist
Listening to the same songs over and over can get repetitive, reminding you of old emotions and time spent with your ex. Find new artists to help you get over your breakup, and steer clear of anything too emotional or heartbreak related.
6. Get a cute pet
A pet can be a new lease of life. Finding your new best friend, bonding with them, and taking them for walks can be extremely helpful when getting over a breakup. They also fill any gaps you were feeling emotionally, and give you something to take care of.
10 Signs You’re In A Long Distance Relationship
Write down your goals, dreams and emotions. Make a 5 year plan and aim to stick to it. Organising what you want out of life gives you direction, and with a clear plan makes it a heck of a lot easier. Your future looks a little different now, but don’t see it as a setback. This is a chance for a better you.
8. Treat yourself
Something we all take for granted, ourselves. Clear your mind with some friends and head out to a spa weekend. Or stay at home with your favourite lush products to hand. Nothing beats being able to relax and forget about the stress your ex caused you. Pair with a face mask, to get you feeling and looking your best.
There is nothing about growing beyond the pain of a cheating partner that Vaish?li fails to understand.
As a personal growth professional and personal growth radio host on Clear Channel’s KTLK (Greater Los Angeles and Santa Barabara) and KEST (San Francisco), Vaish?li often draws upon her own life experience to help others regain their footing and reconnect to a life worth living.
These are her hard won tips for surviving the break up of a cheating partner:
1. Don’t beat yourself up. Your cheating partner has most likely already done enough of that for the both of you. Beating yourself up can easily become a habit, so it needs to be avoided right from the start. If Christie Brinkley’s recent divorce has taught women anything, it is that no matter how attractive, smart or successful you are, you are not immune. Partners cheat because of their insecurities, not because you are not good enough. When the urge arises to blame yourself for your partner’s infidelities, it is imperative that you develop the habit of focusing on more life sustaining actions.
2. Don’t dwell on the details of the infidelity. There is nothing you can do about what happened in the past. Dwelling on it only causes emotional scaring. It is impossible to focus on growing beyond your pain while simultaneously obsessing about what is creating your pain. The negativity will cancel out any gains you may have made to “grow beyond.” You have free will over what you give your attention to. Healing requires that you use your free will to liberate yourself from the tyranny of suffering that an unfaithful partner inflicts upon your life. When you find yourself repeatedly visualizing your partner cheating, displace that ugliness by focusing on the next steps.
3. Change your image of yourself. Use this as an opportunity to reinvent yourself. Give yourself permission to let everything about yourself that you do not feel good about dissolve with the shattered relationship. If you noticed that you developed bad habits, such as making yourself small or powerless in your last relationship, resolve that issue and take your power back. You now have the space and freedom to be a new you. The mold is broken and it is time for you to claim the person and happiness you have always wanted. You do not have to settle for anything less.
4. Make time for yourself. This is a healing time: pamper and love yourself. There is no replacement for you loving yourself. The most reliable person to depend on to love you through difficult and challenging times is you. Balance the pain you are feeling with lavishing loving kindness upon yourself; a gentleness that no one can betray or can take away from you.
5. Focus on those that do support you – your relationships with family and friends. Ask for extra TLC from the relationships that have your best interest at heart. Let others know what your needs are, and let them give to you.
6. Don’t isolate yourself. It’s easy to hole up with a romance novel or movie and a few pints of Ben & Jerry’s. Contracting will only make the pain worse. This is a time to expand into a new life unfettered by a toxic, cheating partner. Get out there and start living life.
7. Acknowledge your new strength. This ordeal should have made you much wiser and stronger. This is one of life’s many experiences, so learn from it. Validate your inner knowing and acknowledge your evolution into a wiser and more discerning person. You have already paid the price for this wisdom, so claim it! Don’t let it get lost in the shuffle.
8. Focus only on what you want. Don’t give your attention to negative issues: what you are praying will not happen. Every time you find yourself letting the worst case scenario run away with your attention, bring your point of focus back to giving attention singularly to what you desire. You will lose a lot of precious healing energy whenever you let your mind drift off to things that do not empower you.
9. Everything grows better with compost. Don’t be excrimentally challenged. Consider this a growth accelerant, not a failure. This experience comes complete with tons of emotional waste. Make sure it works for your growth; that is it’s greatest potential. Think of all the other painful events you have lived through that made you more loving and compassionate. This is no different.
10. Reposition yourself for the next phase of your new life. It can be an exciting, freeing and inspiring new life if you choose it. This iceberg does not have to sink your ship, you are not the Titanic, do not give your cheating partner the power to send you to the bottom of the Ocean. You and you alone are the architect of your own life. Draw on this to give yourself a strong, clear foundation for building a grander and greater life. As Gandhi says, “Be the change you wish to see.”Visit Vaishali at her web site www.PurpleV.com
Vaishali is the author of Wisdom Rising and You Are What You Love . She is a columnist for the Huffington Post and an international health & wellness speaker who has appeared on The Dr. Oz Radio Show and Oprah.com. Vaishali learned to transform her life from the threat of two terminal disease diagnoses, domestic abuse and financial devastation. Completely recovered, she shares her wisdom @ www.purplev.com/mediakit or email [email protected]
You do have time.
You do have time.
I was manning a booth at the Harvard Club of New York’s authors’ night when an older woman approached and picked up a copy of my book, Reinventing You. She paged through it for a moment, then put it down. “Too late for me,” she said abruptly, and walked away.
Over the past six months of my book tour, it’s a question I’ve heard often. Isn’t professional reinvention just for young people? What if I’m too old? How can I spend years training for something new, when I’m already near retirement? It’s true: reinvention is different later in your career. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.
In fact, it’s increasingly essential for any professional who aspires to remain in the workforce for any length of time. Steven Rice, Executive VP of Human Resources for Juniper Networks, told me he specifically asks job applicants, “How are you adapting, and approaching your next reinvention curve?” The reasons, he says, is that, “People have to reinvent themselves to fit into the new context of work.” After speaking with hundreds of Baby Boomers (and beyond) who want to reinvent themselves but fear it’s too late, I’ve identified several key points for older workers who hope to make a transition.
Understand you do have enough time. Some people think it’s not worth it to undertake any major changes later in life. Others disagree — such as my mother, who decided to get braces in her 50s, because she could be “either two years older, or two years older with straight teeth.” If money isn’t a concern, there’s no reason you can’t explore wildly new areas. (One friend’s father recently received his PhD at age 66.) If you’re still earning for retirement, you can absolutely pursue reinvention, but may want to consider more subtle shifts, such as taking classes on the side to expand your skills, rather than taking several years off to get a doctorate.
Of course you’re overqualified — own it. I’ve heard from many over-50 “reinventers” who have been turned down for jobs in new areas because they’re overqualified. Frankly, you can see why. Once someone has been a powerful executive, it’s flummoxing to understand why they’d settle for anything remotely less prestigious (short of true economic desperation). Wouldn’t they be resentful all the time? Instead of ducking the issue, I advise older professionals to lead with it. “You might wonder how I’d respond to being managed by someone younger than me, when I used to manage a large staff,” you could say. “That’s exactly why I want this job and part of the value I bring. Having been a manager, I understand the pressures and frustrations they face, so I can be an even better employee. And I’m eager to learn about this new area from someone with real expertise in it.”
Get with the times. Why should you be active on social media? Because — for better or worse — it is no longer optional. It’s even more critical for executives over 50 to have a social presence because it’s increasingly viewed as a proxy for staying current professionally. If your digital footprint is lacking and you don’t have a presence on basic sites like LinkedIn or Twitter, you’re likely to be dismissed as a Luddite. Indeed, even the basic notion of writing a resume is becoming antiquated; your “shadow resume” is Google.
Connect with your past. We all know professional opportunities are likely to come from our existing network of contacts. But many don’t realize some of the most valuable information and opportunities come from “dormant ties,” or people we’ve lost touch with from the past. As Wharton professor Adam Grant writes, “Just like weak ties, dormant ties offer novel information: in the years since you last communicated, they’ve connected with new people and gathered new knowledge. But unlike weak ties…the history and shared experience makes it faster and more comfortable to reconnect, and you can count on them to care more about you than your acquaintances do.” It may be time to reach out and reintroduce yourself.
Surprise people. On the other hand, your strong ties – the people you currently work with closely – may have developed fixed ideas about who you are and what you’re capable of, especially if you’ve been working in the same company or industry for a long time. If you want to reinvent yourself, you need to upend those assumptions, and hopefully do it in a dramatic way, so they’re sure to notice. Make a point of taking on an unexpected leadership role, taking a class in a new subject like computer programming, or explicitly requesting an assignment that intrigues you (your boss and colleagues may have grown to feel over the years that they “know what you’re interested in,” so it’s time to prove them wrong). Make them stop and question their assumptions about you.
Reinvention after 50 is more than possible; it’s critical to keeping your skills fresh and your work fulfilling. Between staying current with social media, owning your history, reconnecting with old contacts, and shaking up the ossified view that current colleagues may have of you, you’ll soon be ready for the next chapter in your professional life.
Do you ever wake up, look in the mirror, sigh and think “you again!”? Maybe you have just emerged from an unhappy marriage and long for a new start. Or perhaps you are still struggling to shake off your adolescent insecurities and escape that lonely, bullied kid you used to be. If so, why not reinvent yourself? Such reinvention may even provide a fresh burst of energy and a new enthusiasm for life.
Before looking at the subject in more detail, it should be stressed that reinvention must be authentic. Critics will quite rightly argue that pretending to be someone you are not would simply turn you into a fake. This is a fair point. A quiet introvert in his fifties, whose greatest pleasure is books and long walks in the countryside, is likely to be miserable sitting in a nightclub with noisy, excitable 20-somethings. On the other hand, a 24-year-old girl who loves parties, fashion, and celebrity gossip, might be equally bored studying for a philosophy degree or attending lectures on art history.
If reinvention is to be a success, you must work with, not against, your nature. Now imagine that the introverted man in the above example endured a childhood of bullying and neglect. Consequently, he grew wary of people and learnt to take comfort in books. Had he grown up in a different environment, maybe he would have enjoyed dancing, drinking, and partying. Equally, the 24-year-old girl may be far more intelligent than she gives herself credit for. Perhaps she was raised in the shadow of a brilliantly clever older sister. Trying to keep up meant inevitable failure, so she misbehaved at school and then dropped out. Reinvention can also be a process of rediscovery.
Deciding What You Want
First, you must decide who this new person is to be. If you wish to reinvent yourself, presumably you are dissatisfied with your life. So what exactly do you want to change? For some people, merely ditching their mask is enough. Perhaps you began to act during your High School years, pretending to be someone you are not in the hope of fitting in. People trapped in unhappy relationships, especially with overpowering or domineering partners, often say that they cannot remember who they are. Have you re-shaped your personality in hopes of pleasing your partner, making friends at work, or winning the acceptance of in-laws?
Before you decide who you want to be, decide who you are. Have you allowed other people to label or define you in a way that suits them? This happens a great deal, especially within groups of friends. The most confident and overbearing member will often cast the others in a role that suits him. Should his friends then break out of the role he has assigned them, maybe gaining promotion, earning more money, or dating someone attractive, it can be bitterly resented. Maybe you are tired of being “the quiet one” or “the dull one”. Mothers often complain of being defined by motherhood and long to return to their career. Maybe you were a gifted student who devoted her adolescence to study and now wishes to be more spontaneous and crazy. Work out your goals first.
Letting Go of the Past
Reinvention need not mean ending your marriage or moving to a new city. Often, the most important step is simply letting go of the past. Many people never leave behind the person they used to be. Scratch the surface and you may find that the beautiful 30-year-old model never quite escaped the unpopular schoolgirl with braces. Old feelings and thought patterns can linger for decades. And people can quickly slip back into them when faced with bullying, rejection, or stress. Indeed, an old self can literally reappear. For example, in his autobiography the actor Brian Blessed describes how, during his mother’s mental breakdown, she reverted back to the neglected girl she had once been, literally speaking and acting like a little child.
Begin with a few simple, practical steps. The British novelist and poet William Morris advised people to have nothing in their home that wasn’t useful or beautiful. So be ruthless. Rid yourself of any book, photograph, or item of clothing that brings back bad memories. Is your cupboard filled with your childhood toys and games? Do you really want or need them? You needn’t throw away your life up to this point (unless you really want to), but a good clear-out will be excellent preparation.
Now take a look at the people in your life. Do you still see old school or college friends you never really liked, or felt never really liked you? Many people stick with such friends throughout their life, even when they no longer have anything in common and do not really enjoy their company. Indeed, many stick with friends who actually make them feel worse every time they meet.
Unfortunately, everyone sees themselves through the eyes of other people. If you are determined to leave the old you behind, you may have to do the same with old friends. No matter how you try to develop a new self, as soon as you are with those you have known all your life you will slip back into the old you. It might also be helpful to quit social media. Is seeing photos of school bullies and ex-lovers really helping?
Finally, it must be emphasized that letting go of the past is not the same as repressing or denying it. Therapy will help you face any guilt, shame or regret you are carrying and also help you recognize the harmful patterns of thought and behavior in which you may still be trapped. Only once you have faced such things can you let them go.
So, you have worked out a realistic new you, ditched toxic friends, quit social media and been through a course of therapy. What’s next? How about some new clothes? What is your style? Maybe you are now approaching middle-age and would like to swap the jeans and sneakers for a more adult, classy look. Or maybe you want to ditch the gloomy adolescent pose and wear something brighter and happier. How about selling your car and buying a new one?
Of course, these are small changes. If you truly wish to reinvent yourself, maybe you could change your career. Or how about moving away? Professor Jon Kabat-Zin, an expert on Zen Buddhism, once wrote that “wherever you go, there you are,” meaning you cannot run away from yourself by moving somewhere new. But in many cases, moving away from your childhood town, or even your native country, can be like a rebirth.
The key is to escape anything that defines you in a way in which you no longer wish to be defined. For example, since the 1990s, divorce rates among the over-60s have rocketed. And women seem to initiate these late divorces far more often than men – usually because they have had enough of feeling trapped in the role of housewife and mother.
Above all, reinventing yourself should be a positive experience; you should be reaching out for a better life and a better you. It should also be fun. If you are moving to a new town, drive there with an upbeat song blaring out at full volume (Don’t Stop Me Now by Queen, for example, or We Gotta Get Outta This Place, by The Animals) and sing along. If you are quitting a loathsome job, invite some friends over and ceremoniously burn your tie! A reinvention is a rebirth – and it’s never too late!
Actress, activist, mother and now visiting professor at the London School of Economics Angelina Jolie is part of a wave of women returning to work after reinventing themselves.
We get it that she is not your average working mom returning to full time work, redefining herself with a new career. After all, she has six children and as an Oscar-winning actress has played everything from a Disney evil queen to Lara Croft, a live action figure from the video game, Tomb Raider.
But Angelina Jolie will be donning a professor’s cap to co-teach with William Hague, the former foreign secretary of the United Kingdom, “a masters course at the London School of Economics under the school’s Centre for Women, Peace and Security,” according to Rachel Cruise writing in the Parent Herald.
Registration for classes starts soon, but she will not be teaching the course until 2017, and she may only be on campus for one lecture. But women leaders from around the world also taking part in the lecturing and teaching are going to make this one amazing learning opportunity.
According to Cruise, “Other visiting professors expected in the women’s studies class at LSE are Jane Connors from Amnesty International Geneva and Madeleine Rees from the Women’s International League for Peace and Freedom. LSE is the second top ranking school in the United Kingdom when it comes to social policy and administration, per The Guardian. It is in the top 20 universities in the country overall.”
Perhaps Jolie is a brand of working mothers who are bucking the old advice of not talking about your children in job interviews to being transparent and spilling about their lives at home.
New research shows that being more authentic may help you get a job, not hinder you. Rebecca Greenfield writes in Bloomberg: “Researchers at Vanderbilt University asked more than 3,000 people to assume the role of employer and judge résumés of hypothetical female job applicants. All the résumés displayed equal qualifications, and all applicants had taken a chunk of time away from work. Some applicants explained the reason for the gap, with reference to raising children, and others offered no explanation at all.”
New research shows that being more authentic may help you get a job, not hinder you
She adds, “Being candid about a child-rearing interval proved far more successful than silence, with employers becoming 30 percent to 40 percent more likely to hire a woman who offered an explanation for taking a break from work. ‘Any explanation is better than no explanation at all,’ said Jennifer Shinall, an assistant professor of law at Vanderbilt who worked on the study. ‘People prefer known risk, knowing why a woman left the labor market.’’
There are a lot of women in this boat, headed out of the harbor and back out to sea.
Greenfield writes: “Around a third of highly qualified women leave their jobs to spend time at home with their children, according to an oft-cited 2009 study from the Center for Talent Innovation. Almost 90 percent of those women wanted to go back to work, this study found, but only 40 percent got full-time jobs. The women who do make it back into a job take a financial hit, with compensation dropping about 30 percent after just two or three years away from work, according to the Institute for Women’s Policy Research.”
Gloria Feldt, president and co-founder of Take The Lead agrees that parenting belongs on every resume. She writes in Take The Lead: “The sense that parenthood has little to do with professional life remains stubbornly in place. Parenthood doesn’t just equip you with experiences that come in handy at work. It can actually help you hone the skills that the 21st-century economy is coming to value more and more. And it’s why working parents should start adding ‘parenthood’ to their resumes, especially women in leadership roles.”
To meet the demand of women returning to work after raising child and now looking for jobs, Jennifer Gefksy founded Apres, a search site for women going back to work after a break.
Lydia Dishman writes in Fast Company: “Like LinkedIn, Après is free to join and search jobs. Those who want to be found by potential employers can pay $250 per year or a $25 per month charge (with a three-month minimum) for a premium membership. Companies pay an annual fee on a sliding scale based on their size. Unlike recruiters, Après will not take an additional fee if a candidate is placed through the platform.”
Dishman adds, “It’s a virtually untapped market for employers, Gefsky underscores, particularly as more educated millennial women are heading toward parenthood. Gefsky does maintain, ‘We don’t discriminate, anyone is welcome to join,’ she adds that women are Après’ focus.”
Many women returning to the labor force after having children may decide to open their own businesses, simply because it is too hard to get hired. In another piece in Fast Company, Dishman writes: “When a woman becomes a mother, the challenges continue to mount. Michelle Budig, author of The Fatherhood Bonus and the Motherhood Penalty, found that working mothers are viewed as more distracted and less productive, while working fathers are viewed as more stable because they have kids to support. Other research from Harvard indicates that women who become mothers are perceived as less goal-oriented than men.”
Many women returning to the labor force after having children may decide to open their own businesses
In a recent TED talk about women relaunching their careers, “Carol Fishman Cohen (How to Get Back to Work After a Career Break, CEO of iRelaunch) addresses how growing numbers of companies are on a mission to attract such women — and men — through novel reentry internship programs,” writes Rich Eisenberg in Next Avenue.
“Cohen calls these people ‘relaunchers’ and dubs them ‘a gem of the workforce,’” according to Eisenberg. “In the last few months, there has been a surge of startup activity in the career reentry space, including new offerings focusing on job boards and updating people who are returning to work after a career break.”
He adds, “These startups include Apres, The Mom Project, OptIn, GSVlabs Reboot Career Accelerator for Women and Landit.com. Also, Cohen noted, Path Forward, a nonprofit working on reentry internships just launched.”
“I look at all of this activity as a big plus,” Cohen told Eisenberg. The new ventures “will help the professionals who are returning, and ultimately the employers who hire these energized and enthusiastic high performers,” Cohen added.
Whether you are a mom returning to work, or someone taking a new career path, be sure that you map out where you are going carefully.
Whether you are a mom returning to work, or someone taking a new career path, be sure that you map out where you are going carefully
Ruth Medd, founder of Women on Boards in Australia, writes in Womens Agenda: “Do take the time to ask, ‘What do I need to do next? What do I need to develop?’ You can’t just sit in a corner and figure it out. Perhaps you do need some form of assistance. It might be offered by your place of employ or via review mechanisms. It might be offered through your professional association. Give the matter more thought earlier, rather than just sailing forth.”
Not all breakups are forever. Sometimes you split with someone, but realize that you want to work things out with them. For some couples, the split is deliberate to give them time to figure out what they want – and they find out that what they want is to be together.
Getting back together after a break up is rough, though. Emotions are running high and you might find yourself feeling raw, and scared about your future and whether things will be different this time.
Rebuilding a relationship after a break-up requires a lot of work, but healing relationships creates a space where balance and harmony co-exits to support the healing process gradually. And once the healing process is complete, you can find ways on how to rekindle a relationship after a break-up and reignite the lost flame between the two of you .
According to an interesting survey carried out on couples who got back with their exes, a whopping 68% of people said that they believed both they and their ex got better at solving the problems that had plagued their relationship and also improved as a person. So it’s easy to see that getting back together needs a little hard work that can go a long way in re-establishing the relationship.
If you’ve got back together after a breakup, here are some healing relationship ideas to help you with the process of successfully getting back together after a breakup.
1. Get on the same page
Getting on the same page is the first step to rebuilding your relationship and getting back together after a breakup. The most important thing is to make sure you are both enthusiastic about the possibility of rekindling your relationship . If one of you isn’t sure, you’ll run into problems before long.
However, it’s not just about healing relationships, finding ways how to repair a relationship after a break-up , and both wanting to reconcile. It’s important that you’re both on the same page about the big things: marriage, kids, where to live, lifestyle. If you’re not, you’ll need to reach a compromise that you can both live with happily.
2. Make a firm commitment
Breaking up and getting back together for rebuilding a relationship is hard work, and a certain level of commitment is required . If either of you is wavering, it makes it difficult to rebuild. After all, a big part of healing your relationship is trust, and that starts with trusting that you’re both in it for the long haul.
Have a serious talk with your partner and make sure you’re both in this 100%. If either of you has any doubts, talk about them before you start fixing your relationship .
3. Look at what went wrong
As part of the process for healing relationships, if you want things to go right this time, you need to look at what went wrong last time. It’s not easy to look at where your relationship broke down, and it will bring up some painful feelings, but it’s a necessary step and one you can take together.
There’s no need for blame or anger . Just be honest with yourself and your partner about what went awry last time, and what would need to be different for a better outcome this time.
4. Learn to communicate
How to successfully get back together after a break-up?
Communication is the answer to the above question. In fact, good communication is the key to rebuilding any relationship. Strong communication skills give you the tools to talk with each other openly, honestly, and without judgment.
Practice active listening skills . If you like, you can set a timer and let each person have the floor to talk about their concerns. Just remember this isn’t about labeling who is at fault. Learning to own your feelings and express them without hurting your partner is another aspect of good communication.
5. Be a team player
Any relationship is a team effort. If things were rough before you split, there’s a good chance your relationship can become a battlefield. You most likely felt like your partner was your opponent most of the time.
Healing relationships mean becoming a team again. No matter what problem you’re facing, remember you’re facing it together. Your partner is just that: your partner . If you learn to face things together while healing after a breakup, this time around will be much smoother than last time.
6. Slow things down
It’s a natural impulse to try and pick up where you left off, but it’s not necessarily the best thing for your relationship. Chances are that before you split you felt bogged down by fights, negativity, and pain. That doesn’t just go away.
Instead of trying to stick a band-aid on and act like nothing happened, why not take a few steps back? Recapture the beauty of dating and getting to know each other again. Take long walks or have romantic dinners. Maybe even hold off on getting back into bed together. Get to know each other anew and build on that.
7. Rebuild trust
Learning how to heal after a break-up is quite difficult indeed. But, it’s harder to trust that things will be ok after a separation . It’s completely normal to feel that way. Instead of trying to force trust, take the time to let it rebuild and find ways how to fix a relationship after a break-up.
There are several ways you can both help rebuild trust: Having a “no secrets” pact, having regular heart-to-hearts, making sure you keep your promises and checking in with each other every day.
8. Reinvent your relationship
Your relationship doesn’t have to look the way it did before your breakup. This is a fresh start and a chance for both of you to decide what you want your relationship to look like now.
Set aside a few hours, light some candles, crack open your favorite beverage and talk to each other about what you want from your relationship this time around. Visualize a future you can imagine sharing, then ask what steps you can take right now to help that future become a reality. And learn how to successfully get back together after a breakup.
Breaking up and getting back together changes a relationship, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. This is your chance to rebuild it in a way that suits both of you. Then again, you have to learn how long after a break-up to get back together. Be patient and avoid rushing through the healing process if you wish to expect a positive outcome from it.
Healing after breaking up and making up is possible. Take your time, be honest with each other , and make the most of this chance to build something beautiful out of what was broken. After all, couples benefit from healing relationships.
As we approach the end of the year, a lot of us start to get antsy in our own skin. We feel the need to RENEW or CHANGE. Or if you are like us, you’ve been striving (not thriving) and are ready to REINVENT yourself.
Just like the seasons, things in our life need to go through a hard growth time and then die off in order for us to really change.
Ouch.. that sounds painful. But hear me out.
Maybe the best way to REINVENT yourself is to allow growth, but at the same time dig deeper in your roots.
I know, I’m speaking so metaphorically here, but I speak of our current situation. We’re REINVENTING ourselves by going backwards and here’s how.
3 ways to REINVENT yourself (or brand).
- Don’t Chase Approval- Oh boy, easier said than done, yes? We need to focus on chasing what we TRULY want to represent. No matter what others may think. To be honest, I truly want to be a better wife. Yep, House Wife, sherpa Wife, Homemaker, a support system, whatever you may call it these days. I may sound old fashion, but that’s okay by me!
- Go back to your roots – What is that made you feel PURPOSEFUL? What is a goal? A passion? A season of life you remember being full of Joy? Or all of the above? Whatever is it, go back and tune in to what gives you that drive. For us it’s pretty basic. I like to cook, feed, nourish, and share life with others. It’s simple. It’s PURPOSEFUL. It’s how this blog BEGAN in the first place.
- Jump while your still growing – I think this is hardest lesson for me (us) because fear can hold us back. Shouldn’t we just endure growth and wait it out? Well, according to the sigmond curve, the making a jump when you are still in the process of growing allows continued growth and forward progress. Yes! Do it! Work through the growth, build extra strength, and TRUST the process.
These are things that my husband and I have both realized these past few months. In order to thrive and reinvent ourself, we must start again… where our true passion and JOY came from. Finding our roots, intertwined. DREAMING big.
So cheers to this season! One where we can grow and change and reinvent.. or rather, REDISCOVER!
What area of your life need reinventing?
[Tweet “Get Back to your Roots! 3 Ways to REINVENT Yourself or Brand via @LCCotter #fitlfuential #BeYou”]
- By Kritika Manchanda
- May 10, 2019
For a lot of people 30s bring mid-life crisis. But if you plan ahead and work towards your goals, 30s can be the most interesting phase of your life. You’re independent, can take risks, and have the ability to take your life to greater success. Reinvent yourself in 30s and make your life all the more fun and exciting.
Step out of your comfort zone and reinvent yourself in 30s Source – medium
Here are 5 simple ways to reinvent yourself in 30s.
1.Step out of your comfort zone
We always create a comfort zone and try to remain in it as much as possible. But to reinvent yourself, it is imperative that you break away from the shell and try something new. Don’t be afraid to experiment. Whether it is starting a new business or doing something that you’ve wanted to do since a long time. Take risks and move out of that comfort zone to live life to the fullest.
2. Change your style
For most part of your life you’ve stuck to one particular style. So now its time to bring in that much needed change. Get a new haircut, color your hair, reinvent your style, try new looks or outfits that you were shy to wear. You never know when you’ll find a new favorite. And it’s also a great way to bring back that happiness and lost confidence.
Reinvent your style and surprise yourself.
Wear clothes as per your body type and you’ll look drop dead gorgeous. Find out more in this post.
3. Learn something new
In your chaotic life, there are high chances that you might have parted ways with some of your hobbies and interests. Take time out to go back to a long lost hobby, or maybe learn something new.
Learn a new language, yoga, or a dance form. You could also take up an online course for something of your interest like fashion, video editing, or any other software. The idea is to spend time learning something new and feeling good about it.
Keep learning, keep growing. Source – boing boing
4. Be honest and accept the changes
Each phase of life has something new to offer. New life lessons and experiences await you. The most important way in which you can reinvent yourself in 30s is to be honest with others and yourself. Accept the changes happening in life, and try to align your energy in a positive direction.
You should be grateful for all the blessings in your life. Here’s how you can be more grateful.
5. Be ready for failure
Whenever you do something new, it takes time. The same way reinventing and transforming yourself might take some extra time. Don’t be disappointed and be ready for failure.
Look back your mistakes, learn from them, and move forward.
Keep trying and only then will you succeed. Whether it’s a new diet plan, learning to play the guitar or baking, everything takes time and you need to be patient. Don’t be too harsh on yourself.
Hope these tips help you see life in a new light. Share it with your friends and let them also rediscover the joy of living.
Also don’t forget to follow us on – Facebook, Twitter, Instagram for the latest in fashion, lifestyle, and beauty.
They’re bold, never settle, and keep their skills sharp without being asked.
What do you as an entrepreneurial leader have in common with the applied physicist who now manages a company of over a thousand people, the novelist now running a human resources division, or the money manager who became a school teacher?
They all reinvented themselves, and sooner or later you will have to as well. Reinventing yourself isn’t just a token New Year’s gesture, it’s something good leaders are always mindful of.
Unlike past generations that could rely on a consistent set of core skills and a clear career path, today we all must constantly revisit our skills, reinvestigate our aspirations, and reconstitute our careers. This is often difficult because we’re trapped in routine, avoid risk, and simply like being comfortable.
But we must reinvent ourselves because of the turbulence around us. Technological disruptions, shifting organizational structures, and unpredictable markets demand that we pivot and take unexpected directions.
The very core knowledge around us, the very organizations in which we work, the very markets that demand our attention, are changing at such a rapid pace that skills, insights, and observations that were true at one point are no longer true or at best, are no longer accurate.
Reinventing oneself requires focusing on what’s around you and learning to capture the essence of an observation so it can be transfered to a new set of skills.
To reinvent yourself continually, you need to try the following:
You need to always be scanning the world around you to capture trends, styles, ideas, and movements. You can’t do this by sitting in your office chair. Break your routine and talk to people in all industries and walks of life. Visit places and attend events you normally wouldn’t.
Good leaders know their strong and weak suits. In order to reinvent yourself, you need to know what personal competencies you can use and which shortcomings might become liabilities. For every disruption in the market, there will always be room for your perspective. You must be aware of the value you possess and what needs improvement.
Careers and businesses begin with a handshake, but they succeed with traction and support. Lone Rangers only exist on TV. Build networks and learn from them.
A glut of material praises the notion of failure. But as Winston Churchill puts it: “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” Your reinvention will have its share of missteps, but that can’t be your prime deterrent. Be bold.
Reinvention doesn’t necessitate that you ape current attitudes. Reinvention often demands that you posture and prepare for what will happen in the future. Don’t adjust to trends–predict them as best you can.
All of this comes with a serious caveat: Don’t reinvent yourself ad nauseum, and don’t change because others demand it. Don’t acquiesce to every new thing–you must always rely on your core strengths.
Feeling lost? Do you want to know how to find yourself again?
Finding yourself again may seem impossible right now, but there is hope. In our complete guide, we will guide you through step-by-step how to find yourself again.
“But exactly how do I find myself again?” your racing mind keeps pressing, needing an answer right now. “I’ve lost myself, and finding myself again feels hopeless.” Believe it or not, there is hope. You can find yourself again. Read on now to find out exactly how finding yourself again works.
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“But finding myself isn’t easy,” you think. Actually, knowing that you’re feeling lost is a good thing! It means you’re in the homestretch. Congratulations are in order, because you are further along than most.
When you’ve lost a sense of who you are, it’s similar to the grieving process when you lose a loved one. The first stage of grief is denial, the stage most stay in their entire lives. Then there is anger and frustration, when you start to recognize that you are just going through the motions instead of being who you want to be. Then you bargain with yourself, thinking that something will come along, won’t it? Sure it will. But what if it doesn’t? No, it will. But then there’s depression, where you think, “I find myself dwelling on the negative. Nothing will change, because I’m not doing anything about it.”
And now here we are: acceptance. You have accepted that you’ve lost touch with who you are, want to get back something you lost, and you’re ready to find yourself.
2. Why Do You Feel Lost?
There are several reasons why you can be saying to yourself, “I am lost”. You might feel like you are drifting along looking at yourself from a helpless lens while your body just does what you’ve trained it to do. Excitements are few, challenges are sparse, and the routine has taken over.
Falling out of touch with yourself happens when you buy into other ideas of what you are supposed to be or should be doing. This can happen whether those ideas come from friends, family, society, or even yourself. When you follow what you think you are supposed to be doing rather than what you want to be doing, it’s a path that leads to losing yourself. If you want to do something, but don’t because of someone else’s expectations, you are not living your own life. You lost yourself, and only your true self can lead you to a path of happiness, passion, validation, and independence.
Picture walking aimlessly into unfamiliar woods. The longer you continue walking in that direction, the more lost you become. That is what the path of not being your truest, happiest, and most authentic self is like. Simply recognizing and admitting to yourself that “I am so lost in my life” is extremely difficult. You overcame that. You did, not us. How do you move forward from this realization? We’re here to help you with the next step: finding yourself so you know how to get out of those woods.
The idea of finding yourself simply means accessing your confidence, natural and potential abilities, sense of self-worth, self-reliance, and independence. I’m sure you’re thinking, “Easier said than done.” But that’s true for anything (except for maybe onomatopoeia).
Learning how to discover yourself again doesn’t mean understanding where you are currently; it’s figuring out who you are and where you can go. So, let’s start by discussing how you can find yourself by figuring out how you got where you are.
3. Why is it Important to Find Yourself?
Self-help expert Gretchen Rubin, author of the “New York Times” best seller Better Than Before, Happier at Home, may have put it best: “What I do for my work is exactly what I would do if nobody paid me.”
When you are finding yourself, you find what makes you truly happy, not just “happy enough.” You are here because your heart isn’t singing, and we’re here to give your heart the music it’s been looking for. Finding yourself opens up your potential to truly accomplish anything you set your mind to.
You may have heard the saying, “You made your bed, so now you have to lie in it.” What happens if you lift a bed and bring it out to the curb? Would it be a lot of work? Sure. But now that the bed (your life) is in the past, it’s time to make a new one, and it can be anything you want it to be. Other people won’t understand or won’t care to understand why you’re making a new bed. They’ll wonder what was wrong with your old bed. This is a mentality that causes us to lose our sense of self in the first place. What we’ve learned, society’s expectations, and the path that seemed to be paved for us at birth all create an avalanche that pushes you along and sweeps you up until you don’t know who you are anymore.
“What is the meaning of life?” It’s an age-old question with a timeless answer: to be happy. Being happy can only be accomplished by discovering yourself, and here’s how.
4. Where Do I Start?
Most online life coaches agree that a good first step for what to do when you feel so lost in life is to make a timeline of your life. Not only is it fun, but it is extremely beneficial. List your past achievements, your regrets, and moments that stick out as momentous, both positive and negative. List every major life event you can think of. For the negatives, consider what you gained from the experiences. For the positives, consider what felt good about them and what resulted from them.
Now make a list of your goals and dreams. It can be quite specific, like becoming a pilot, or very general, like simply wanting to feel more satisfied in your daily life. This will be useful as a reference point going forward, as well as something you can pull from when talking to a mentor or life coach.
This first initial exercise is essential for us to see what we look like on paper. A new perspective is what this is all about, and you will be surprised in the revelations that a timeline of life events can bring to the surface.
People who have found themselves will be able to make a list quickly and easily, and might even put it on their fridge with pride. That type of person is doing what they want and what they love, and feels passion in accomplishing both their long-term goals and their daily duties.
Psychologist and author, ‘Face It’
When Al and Tipper Gore announced their separation after 40 years of marriage, the blogosphere was filled with emotions, ranging from alarm (“this was the last marriage we thought was in trouble”) to nonchalance (“so what else is new?”). Most discussions led to a similar conclusion: even good marriages are hard to sustain for a lifetime as our lives extend well into our 80s and 90s. For the Gores and couples in their 60s, four decades together is a good amount of time for love, marriage, career-building and child-rearing. At midlife it may be time to look somewhere over the rainbow rather than feel over the hill.
So as the shock waves receded, the discussion broadened to focus on the new opportunities that separation at 60 offered. A relationship expert on CBS morning show encouraged newly divorced women to think of “60 as the new 20.” She suggested they go on Facebook, tap into the girls they once were and reinvent themselves. Hopeful and proactive advice, to say the least, but as a psychologist who has worked with many women at midlife, I find that this phase of life is for many, well, complicated.
Some women see 50 and beyond as a time to enjoy greater freedom from responsibility and for increased opportunity for pleasure and leisure. But many others feel anxious and depressed as they anticipate all the changing that aging brings. Below are three key emotional components that distinguish these two groups. I call them ‘the three R’s for reinventing yourself.’ If you want to be psychologically prepared to make the most of the next phase of life, keep these in mind.
Resilience: Reinventing yourself requires the ability to rebound from the challenges you face. It is important to assess how resilient and resourceful you feel before inviting major changes in your life that go beyond those that naturally come your way. Whether it be making a change to your career, leaving your husband or taking on something new and different, women who have internal resources are better equipped to rise to the challenge of change. ‘Out with the old and in with the new’ takes energy and effort. Those who move forward feeling enthusiastic about their future find resilience very important. Those who feel scared and depressed feel empty. The ability to be resilient is key in finding new ways to cope with, and even enjoy, new beginnings.
Reliance: Women tell me that making major changes at midlife can leave them feeling very alone, at least for a period of time. Looking forward may be a positive move, but it almost always requires leaving behind what is familiar and comforting. The ability to rely on others and ask for help is important while a transition is made to new dependable sources of comfort. If you don’t have the ability to rely on family and friends, reinventing yourself can be difficult and excruciatingly lonely. Assess realistically who you have around you that you can trust to be supportive and evaluate your ability to rely on them. Taking the risk to reinvent yourself requires a combination of independence and dependence, finding a balance between self reliance and the ability to rely others.
Renewal: To successfully reinvent yourself, it is important to be flexible, to be able to renew and refresh how you view yourself in your life. Remember, old roles that you may want to leave behind — as wife, mother, daughter — have been part of your identity for years. Some women get stuck, afraid to let these old roles go. They may want to leave them, but don’t feel the flexibility in their self-definition. For example, when a woman sees herself as successful only if she is working, it is difficult to leave her job. Women who have spent years in a bad marriage, but are afraid to be alone, can’t see themselves as single. Women who get stuck on feeling attractive only when they appear youthful are unable to age gracefully. These women may want to reinvent themselves, but get stuck. Women who have flexibility can revitalize their lives as they age, looking forward to an ongoing renewal of who they are and who they will become.
Before you jump at the chance to reinvent yourself (at any age!) you may want to consider whether you are psychologically ready to take advantage of the new opportunities that present themselves. Look before you leap — from the neighborhood where you lived, a long-term marriage or a career of many years. You might just want to prepare your self with the three R’s.
By Estelle Erasmus, Next Avenue Contributor
I always joke with my husband that I won’t have a midlife crisis because mine was having my now seven-year-old daughter in my forties. After struggling with infertility, I then stayed home to raise her. It was daunting because I had to reinvent every aspect of my life, socially and then professionally. Based on my experience, I have some advice on how you can reinvent yourself after a major life change, too.
Before becoming a mom, I was proud of my many accomplishments — being the editor-in-chief of five national consumer publications, seeing my byline in hundreds of magazines and co-authoring a bestselling beauty book. I even weathered a career change into medical education in the mid-aughts. (I was an editorial director for a large medical publishing company). Then I took a break.
When I decided to reignite my career, it was daunting. And it took time. But I did it.
Also on Forbes:
Here’s how I made the transition and how you, too, can make incremental changes that add up to big results:
1. Leverage Your Contacts by Building Community
Join Meetup.com, professional groups and Facebook groups to network your way to jobs, gigs and opportunities. Find ways to reconnect with former colleagues and friends from high school and college. Then take micro steps toward your goals.
How I did it: In 2010, I found a mom’s group through Meetup.com, started to make friends, and through them learned that my local Patch site was looking for a columnist for a parenting column. I wrote a column on spec, got the gig, and though it didn’t pay much, for two years I was able to interview experts like Dr. Deborah Gilboa (Ask Dr. G) and quote Dr. Harvey Karp, which gave me baby steps back into the media world.
Then someone connected me to a ghostwriting and editing job for a publishing company and I worked on my laptop from home while my baby napped.
2. Catapult Outside Your Comfort Zone
Stretch your brain and get motivated by diving into a new experience, like acting in a local play, chairing your church or temple book fair, selling products or jewelry or teaching a class. The more you challenge yourself, the more you will see that you don’t have to be stuck in a rut.
How I did it: In 2012, a friend sent me a link to an audition for a live reading multi-city performance, called Listen to Your Mother (LTYM). Though I had always been a service journalist, I had recently written my first personal essay spurred by an experience I had watching my daughter defy the dictates of sitting and being quiet in a children’s reading circle at the library, when she stood up and danced. “Had I ever been that way, I wondered. If so, could I be like that again? Could I become as free and unfettered as a child with her whole life ahead of her, ready and willing to be the star of her own production?”
I was so nervous at my audition that I didn’t even mention my past in publishing. To my shock, I was cast in the inaugural show in New York City in 2012, along with luminaries like actress Alysia Reiner (before she was Fig from Orange Is the New Black) and authors Abby Sher and Patty Chang Anker.
3. Learn a New Skill
According to research, learning a new skill keeps your mind smart and facile as you get older. So take up a musical instrument, take lessons in a sport or learn a foreign language.
How I did it: Many of the LTYM cast members I admired were bloggers, so I decided to become one, too.
In 2012, I created a blog called Musings on Motherhood & Midlife with the subhead: A Journalist’s Transformative Journey. Learning this new skill was hard (my husband remembers how I came to bed at 3 am because I was teaching myself how to set up a self-hosted blog on WordPress). I found community through BlogHer.com, and have since been named a three-time BlogHer Voice of the Year award winner.
4. Become a Social Media Savant
Establish your profile on Facebook, Linkedin and Twitter to power up your network. If you don’t know how to do it, ask younger, savvier friends.
How I did it: I saw how bloggers were maximizing social media to further their reach, develop relationships and get the attention of brands. Following their lead, I created an author page on Facebook and created a LinkedIn profile and joined Facebook groups for bloggers and writers. I also used my ability to curate good content to build my following on Twitter — from 300 followers in 2013 to over 11,000 today.
5. Volunteer Without Fear
Seek challenging assignments with organizations or nonprofits that align with your interests. Chair a committee or serve on the board of directors to polish your management, public speaking or strategic skills.
How I did it: When my daughter was an infant, I joined my local chapter of the national nonprofit, Mothers & More, and volunteered to chair its advocacy committee. I spearheaded our efforts for the national Power of a Purse campaign, partnering with our local YMCA and other businesses to collect over 5,000 purses, which we donated to a woman’s shelter. In 2012, I joined the board of directors, eventually becoming board president. Unfortunately, the organization — which shuttered this year — had been hemorrhaging money for years, and during my tenure, we valiantly tried to fix it by hiring a new executive director, vacating our expensive office space, automating procedures and shifting to a modern website. In the process, I learned a lot.
6. Follow Your Passion
Decide what you really want to do and then go for it with gusto. Invest in yourself first by taking courses, attending conferences or hiring a life coach or therapist.
How I did it: In 2014, I was ready to jump back into the freelance writing fray. I started by taking a five-week “Instant Gratification” course with writing guru Susan Shapiro that got me familiar with venues for publication and offered great feedback on my writing. Then I signed up for several sessions with a life coach, who helped me hone my goals, inspired me to reach higher and motivated me to request testimonials. I also renewed my membership in the American Society of Magazine Editors. Since taking those confidence-building steps, I have been published in more than 50 outlets.
Next Avenue is public media’s first and only national journalism service for America’s booming older population. Our daily content delivers vital ideas, context and perspectives on issues that matter most as we age.
Divorce requires we all rediscover and reinvent who we are on our own without a partner. That’s a good thing!
Divorce may be an end of a relationship but it isn’t, by any means, the end of your life. If you have recently gone through a divorce, it is natural that you feel heart-broken and to some extent emotionally traumatized. However, there is no need to stretch moments of sorrow and cause yourself to become vulnerable to depression and anxiety.
In reality, divorce is a rough patch that you can leave behind; you have every reason and every opportunity to bounce back and enjoy your life all over again.
It is an undeniable fact that the loss of companionship and intimacy is hard. But the fact is it is your call to make because you deserve to reshape your life howsoever you want. Even in this so-called adversity, you have many options at your doorsteps – make a better beginning of your life’s next chapter or endure the emotional trauma of divorce for the rest of your life. All said and done, these are indeed the testing times, and a litmus test of your true grit and courage. And, you have the grit and courage to move forward to a more rewarding life.
If you want to rediscover your self and reinvent your life after divorce, the following 5 tips will help you immensely:
“Move on” should be your new mantra, move on and move forward. There may be a number of challenges ahead on your road to recovery such as financial, emotional and psychological. But this is what the life is, isn’t it? Facing difficult situations, learning to cope with inevitable challenges and standing firm in the face of adversity is only going to make you a stronger person. Mark my words, after going through the adversity of divorce – you will come out the winner with flying colors.
Stay Positive and Believe In Yourself
It makes no sense to live in the past and think constantly about what could have been and your divorce. It was a tumultuous phase that is history now. You need to look ahead, be positive and focus on the fact that moving forward things will get better. Planning and focusing on the new life ahead of you is much healthier than being stuck in the past.
You have to trust your gut and believe in yourself. Whatever steps you are going to take and the decisions you are going to make regarding your and children’s needs, make sure that you put them in your thoughts, your words and your actions throughout the process. If you can pull this off successfully your children will be in a better place than they were in during your miserable marriage. Focusing on negative energies regarding the dynamics of your marriage divorce may make you lose the golden opportunity to reshape your life for better.
Forget and Forgive
This is the time when you should accept your divorce and the pain it caused as part of life. However, since it marks a new beginning, you have to let go of past experiences so you can think more clearly and make rational decisions about your future. For that, you have to forget and forgive whatever wrongs you feel were done to you. Rather than forgiving your ex (for what he did or didn’t do), you have to forgive yourself as there are many people who, after a painful divorce, spend a lot of time blaming themselves. There is an old saying, “holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting others to die”. Therefore, whether it was a person or other circumstances that contributed to the divorce, you need to identify them and forget and forgive them, too.
Make a Fresh Start
It’s time to make a fresh start now. Find a new purpose and move forward with it. The best way to do this is to start doing things that interest you the most, that make you and your loved ones (especially, your kids) smile, and that give you peace of mind. This is the first and most solid step to enjoying your life once again. “You alone are responsible for your happiness”, this is not just an age-old cliché – it is a winning philosophy of life. Surround yourself with people who have always been close to your heart. There are many things you can do to lift your mood and motivate you to get out and start living again. Start socializing more often and meet with friends, celebrate their birthdays with them, take in a movie or a night out with the girls. Get new interests, surrounding yourself with positive family and friends and find your fresh new start.
Love Your Life As Well As Yourself
Happiness really is a choice. Even after a painful divorce, you either get trapped in the quicksand of “poor me” or you emerge as a stronger and more confident person. So, take yourself and your kids and set the foundation for a whole new outlook on life and get on with living it!
Most Helpful Girls
Thats cause all the GOOD animes are for boys =)
Lols! That’s mostly true. Shounen anime has most of the cool action and fight scenes that I love. I absolutely love Soul Eater, Death Note, Bleach, Cowboy Bebop, and tons more that I could list, but I still love the mushy romantic Shoujo stuff, too. I thought that Fruits Basket and Ouran High School Host Club were very good. ^.^ But yes, I must admit, I like more of the Shounen stuff. xD
You really should look at the older stuff like macross, captain harlock, etc. its WAAAAY better than most of the newer stuff.
Oooh! Thank you for telling me! ^_^ I’ll definitely check those out!
I wouldn’t consider myself brainwashed. But girls are thought as pretty and delicate. Not last season. I’m not sure if that makes sense.
Basically, girls are not brainwashed into this. They are pressured. Girls are plain mean! They are gossiping, snickering, solipsistic, seething monsters! Girls have to be in style or they will be made fun of by girls. If boys aren’t in style other guys USUALLY do not make fun of them.
Most Helpful Guys
You can never second guess the lifestyle of a girl from a couch or computer screen. Competition is a different thing all together for women. Not too mention that the one of the very reasons girls dress up and are in style is because it gets boys attention. So while boys may question the saneness of it all, they are in fact one of the reasons why girls change their clothes and personality year after year. What doesn’t work or doesn’t feel right is thrown out the door. Not all girls do this btw.
And boys are not immune to media brainwashing. If that’s the case I’m sure men wouldn’t be so inclined to buy beer, lift weights, and buy nice cars. Both genders fall for subliminal advertising, it’s just a matter of different preferences.
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What Girls & Guys Said
First of all, if you have a problem with girls changing up their style when they feel like it, get over it 😉
It may sound stupid to you, but clothes and fashion trends both get old, and a yearly “renewing” of one’s wardrobe isn’t always a bad idea.
Retailers find it convenient to put clothing on sale all at the same time, and with each trying to beat the competition, it’s a great time for the customer to benefit from this. What’s wrong with that?
And your idea about girls being more susceptible to media brainwashing than boys is both offensive and incorrect. You would be more accurate had you said that girls seem to follow fashion trends promoted by the media more closely than boys due to cultural expectations they are required to fulfill. Guys are just as susceptible to “brainwashing,” it just may not be expressed in the same ways.
Hope this answered your question!
Ill concede that you may be right about guys being just as susceptible but in different areas.
I love this answer!
i don’t know about other girls but I never get a new wardrobe. I have the same one as last year and I only added a few new things (the old ones were too worn out. I wore them a lot so they. died) I guess its cause girls want to keep up with fasion trends. as you probably see, the famous stars now (the girls) have many different clothes on every year. even if they are only wearing them to promote a business. the teen girls see their stars in these clothes, they want to be just like the star. so they get the clothes they see their stars in. guys, well the guys only look at the pretty girls and don’t give a poop about what they guy stars are wearing or the girls. so they have a less likely chance of falling for the media brainwashing thingy. girls want to keep up with trends so guys would look at them. admire them.
at least. I think that’s why. I’m not sure. that’s why my little sister does it anyway. -shrugs-
The most violent time in an abusive relationship is the minute the woman leaves, or tries to leave. In fact, in domestic violence cases, more than 70 percent of injuries and murders happen after the victim leaves. This phenomenon is known as separation assault. After following the Exit Action Plan for how to leave an abusive relationship safely, know the plan for staying safe!
Sue Else, former president of the National Network to End Domestic Violence, appeared on Dr. Phil and offered these steps for staying safe after leaving an abusive relationship:
Consider going to a shelter.
Domestic violence shelters are available to provide safety and to help you get on your feet. In addition to safety, they provide services, support and resources for you and your children.
Secure your new home.
Consider new window and door locks, outdoor lights, an alarm system, steel doors and smoke detectors.
Don’t move to a secluded area.
Move to a neighborhood with lots of neighbors, perhaps an apartment complex, with a Neighborhood Watch program.
Keep your new address confidential.
Get a P.O. Box, and don’t give out your real address. Try to rent a home that has utilities included, sign up for an Address Confidentiality Program through your state government, and make sure your voter registration doesn’t have your address.
Be careful when using social networking websites.
Be sure not to disclose your location or whereabouts. You don’t want information about what you’re doing or who you’re friends with public. You don’t know who could be friends with your ex.
Obtain a protection order.
Keep a copy on you at all times. Give copies to family, friends, co-workers and your children’s school.
Change your patterns.
Shop at new stores, take different routes to work, change coffee shops and gas stations, go to a faith service at a different time, switch to a new bank.
Secure your accounts.
Change your passwords, PIN codes, and call utility companies and ask them to add a password that only you know to your account.
Get a new computer.
Spyware could be on your old computer, allowing the abuser to know everything you do on the computer and read all of your e-mail.
Get a new cell phone and number.
Verizon HopeLine donates phones to victims through local shelters.
Protect yourself at work.
Alert your supervisor and the security staff, remove your number from the office directory, and even change office locations. Ask security to walk you to your car.
Safety plan with your children.
Teach children what to do if the abuser kidnaps them or breaks into the house. You don’t want to scare your children, but help them be prepared. Alert the school or daycare of the danger.
Don’t isolate yourself.
Don’t park your car in large parking garages or jog at night or in secluded areas. Park as close to the location as possible.
Keep records of all texts, emails, stalking and harassment. Keep a video or written journal and hide it!
Keep loved ones informed.
Always tell a trusted person where you are going, EVERY DAY. Have check-in times so loved ones always know you are safe.
Have 911 ready to call when you are walking to your car. Be aware of your environment; if something feels out of the ordinary, IT IS!
Have a bag packed.
Include an extra set of keys, identification, car title, birth certificate, social security card, clothes for you and your children — shoes, money, jewelry — anything important to you.
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Just because you’ve always been a certain way (i.e. the “quiet one”), that doesn’t mean you are bound to be that way forever. We all have the power within us to completely reinvent ourselves and our lives at any given moment. You have full permission to change, evolve, grow, and bloom into the person you truly want to be — but reinventing yourself is definitely not an overnight process. It requires a lot of inner work and some bold action, but in the end, it is oh-so-worth-it. The beginning of a new year is the perfect time to shed all the layers of the person you no longer want to be and start this new chapter as a fresh, sparkly new version of yourself.
Whether you’re ready to make some huge leaps towards reinvention or want to ease into it with baby steps, here are five ways you can totally reinvent yourself and your reality for the new year:
1. Change your story
Sometimes (read: most of the time) the biggest thing that keeps us in the rut of being a certain way is ourselves. Maybe you were labeled as “not smart” or “too loud” when you were younger, and you believed it and spent your entire life embodying that label.
Reinventing yourself begins with writing a new story about yourself — a story of the person you actually know you are deep inside and is ready to emerge into its authentic truth.
For example, if you no longer want to be known as the “irresponsible one,” start seeing yourself as uber-responsible. It’s a simple mental switch but it can be absolutely life-changing.
2. Take stock of your lifestyle
The end of the year is a great time to take inventory of your life and get rid of what is no longer serving you. Ask yourself: what do I love to do that I never do? And, what am I doing that I’d rather not be doing?
It might be immersing yourself into your favorite hobby again, ditching the long work hours, playing more, setting boundaries, cutting toxic people out of your life, and not saying yes when you actually mean no. The shiny, new version of you should only do what truly feels in alignment with you.
3. Switch careers
Our careers are such a huge part of our lives. We spent 40+ hours a week for 40+ years of our lives working, so why not actually do something you truly love? There’s no such thing as too late or being too old to change things up — the time will pass anyway. In a couple of years, you could be slaying in a new field or running your own business, or you can be exactly where you are right now in your career.
Get real with yourself about what your heart really wants in terms of your career, what will give you purpose and fulfillment, and then start moving in that direction, stat.
4. Give yourself a makeover
The way you look on the outside 100 percent affects how you feel about yourself on the inside. There’s just something about a slick blow out, a different hairstyle, a fresh mani, or a cool new outfit that makes you feel absolutely unstoppable. Changing up your look can be a major confidence booster and is a real, tangible way to literally become a new you.
So before we dive into the new year, take an honest look at your current look and decide what aspects of it don’t align with the dream version of yourself. It can be as simple as throwing out ugly underwear (your dream you only wears pretty undies) or as drastic as going from being a brunette to a bombshell blonde.
5. Build your confidence
One thing that we could definitely all use more of is confidence, and confidence is a muscle that you have to work on to make it stronger. So, anytime you are presented with an opportunity to flex it, do it! Even if it feels like you’re totally faking it. Stepping through fears gets you closer and closer to your authenticity. Try one of our 14 Mantras for Your Best Self Ever.
And for the days that you’re all tapped out of your own inner confidence, create an alter ego that will remind you how awesome you are. Beyoncé has Sasha Fierce; Miley Cyrus has Hannah Montana. Come up with your own version of a super confident, dream version of yourself and step into that persona whenever you need that extra boost.