This article was co-authored by Collette Gee. Collette Gee is a Relationship Coach, Certified Violence Prevention Specialist, the Author of “Finding Happily… No Rules, No Frogs, No Pretending.” Focusing on creating meaningful romantic relationships, Collette uses her experience having worked in the mental health industry as a psych nurse to conduct relationship coaching, online courses, and workshops to help women and men find lasting love. Prior to Collette’s coaching business, she worked in the mental health field as a psych nurse which has helped inform her practice to create and sustain happy, healthy meaningful romantic relationships. Her work has been featured on TLC, London Live, the Huffington Post, and CNN.
There are 9 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
wikiHow marks an article as reader-approved once it receives enough positive feedback. In this case, several readers have written to tell us that this article was helpful to them, earning it our reader-approved status.
This article has been viewed 174,123 times.
Getting nervous around the guy you’re crushing on is totally normal, but you don’t have to let your nerves get in the way of getting to know him better and making a good impression. There are some simple tricks you can try the next time you see him to slow down your pounding heart and get those butterflies under control so you feel cool, calm, and collected. Check out the tips below to learn more!
Your stress: “I have nothing to say.”
Get over it! Get the ball rolling.
You don’t have to be loaded with fascinating facts to talk to dudes — you just have to listen to what they’re saying and ask questions in a cool, casual way. When you seem genuinely interested, it makes people want to keep talking. (So the pressure is off you!)
Sneaky tip: Be prepared. Start the conversation with a few stock questions. (“What have you been up to?” or “Have you ever seen this group live?”) Then look for a way to drop in a few of your stories, so he can ask you Qs!
More From Seventeen
Your stress: “I’m not the prettiest girl in the room.”
Get over it! Be the coolest.
Being easy to talk to is about knowing how to steer the conversation in interesting directions — like by chuckling at his jokes, cracking your own, or playfully arguing about movies — and not at all about what you look like. It’s what will make every guy feel comfortable around you!
Sneaky tip: Act fast. When you debate for half the party if you should talk to him, your anxiety just builds. So channel your cool-girl vibe and vow to approach him in the first three seconds you see him!
Your stress: “If he wanted to talk to me, he’d come talk to me.”
Get over it! Make the first move.
You have no idea what’s going through his head: He might be painfully shy, worried you’ll reject him — or he could be thinking the same thing about you! Don’t let your assumptions hold you back from giving it a shot. Be the more confident person and start the conversation first.
Sneaky tip: Feel out his interest. Ask a casual question to put his nerves at ease. (“Do you think it’s okay if I parked in the driveway?”) If he gives you his full attention, great. If not, whatever — it was hardly a confession of love!
Your stress: “I’ll die of embarrassment if he rejects me.”
Get over it! Get gutsy.
The potential for a great connection totally outweighs the chance that he’s not interested. Worst-case scenario: He’s not. Then just make a joke to escape gracefully, like, “Okay, I’ll be over here talking to the plants!” At least then you’ll never wonder, What if I’d talked to him?
Sneaky tip: Enlist a friend. Tag along while she approaches his friend, so all four of you can talk. That way, you’ll get a chance to hit it off — but won’t have to zero in on him right away (so no chance for rejection!).
It’s been a great date and as the evening winds down, you know he is probably going to go in for a kiss. Try as you might, you can’t quell the butterflies that are flapping around in your stomach. Your heart is beating fast and your hands are shaking a little, but you manage to hold it together — and then wish that you could have relaxed enough to enjoy the moment.
Explore this article
- Practice Relaxation
- Know What to Expect
- Tell Him Your Fears
- Learn From Experience
1 Practice Relaxation
If you find yourself getting nervous in the moments leading up to a kiss, it may help to practice a simple breathing strategy as discussed by physician Robin Berzin in the MindBodyGreen.com article, “A Simple Breathing Exercise to Calm Your Mind & Body.” When you feel your heart start to beat fast, take a moment to breathe in through your nose for two counts, pause for one count, and then exhale through your mouth for four counts. Breathing this way signals your parasympathetic nervous system to slow down your heart rate and relax your body.
2 Know What to Expect
Being prepared for a kiss will help you to feel less nervous. If you don’t have a lot of experience, or this is your first kiss, learn the basics such as leaning in, tilting your head, puckering your lips and holding contact for a few seconds, as described in the Teen Health Source article “Kissing 101.” You probably won’t french kiss — with open lips — the first time, but might experiment with it later on. Knowing what to expect can make you feel less nervous when the moment happens.
3 Tell Him Your Fears
If you still feel that you can’t get over your nerves, consider telling the guy how you feel. Say something like, “Just to let you know, I am a little nervous about kissing.” Sometimes talking about what is bothering you can be enough to help you relax and not worry so much. Ideally he should try to make you feel comfortable or tell you that it’s fine to wait. If instead he tries to push you for a kiss that doesn’t feel right — either it is too soon or you still feel too nervous — he might not be the right guy for you after all.
4 Learn From Experience
Humor can help to relieve nervous tension. Learn from others who have already been through the same situations when you are feeling anxious, as suggested in the TeensHealth article, “5 Ways to Beat Pre-Performance Nerves.” Talk to your friends about their experiences and how they handled being nervous while kissing. Perhaps a friend had an awkward kiss with a guy but the two of them ended up laughing over the situation. Imagine the worst-case scenario — and realize that you can live with that happening.
Your nerves are starting to take over and your mind is swirling around the same worries.
You want to stay calm, but you can’t. You can’t just turn it off.
Your heart is racing; it’s hard to sleep or concentrate.
Your appetite isn’t all there.
You feel weak. Depleted.
What can make it stop?
In the Bible we read about the many times David lived in danger, including the years he was forced to hide from Saul. And yet he penned this: “I lift my eyes up to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord the maker of heaven and earth” (Psalm 121:1-2).
David wasn’t a fictional character. He was a real man with real anxieties. He lived and breathed on this Earth just as you and I do today.
Having suffered with anxiety for so many years of my life, I know exactly how tormenting this can feel. I know exactly how alone and weird and terrified you feel to have the same thoughts and fears gripping you to the core.
Other people can shake things off, but for you it’s not the same. It’s an absolute affliction. I know it exactly.
I’ve learned to cut back on caffeine (which helps my nerves in general) and keep faith in tough times. But it was through the Bible that I found what brought peace to my heart on a deep level. A core level. A healing level.
Ways We Can Use Bible Verses to Calm Us
After all the searching and seeking, it was God’s word that brought me to the center. And not empty, but full.
David’s story particularly touched my life, and so do these verses. When I read them I remember I’m not alone. They bring me peace. They calm me. I pray they help you too.
Read them. Say them. Pray them. Meditate on them. Print them and take them with you. Email them to yourself. Text them as prayer messages to a friend. Do what you need to do!
Just keep them close. They’re God’s words; they will not return void.
Isaiah says, “So shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.”
When we suffer with anxiety and worry, we can reach for these reminders.
Need a Bible verse to calm your nerves?
Here are 17. Go big.
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6)
“In God I trust and am not afraid. What can man do to me?” (Psalm 56:11)
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” (Galatians 5:1)
“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” (2 Timothy 1:7)
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7)
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)
“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.” (1 Peter 5:7-10)
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” (John 14:27)
“I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take courage; I have overcome the world!” (John 16:33)
“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or distress or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?” (Romans 8:35)
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” (James 1:2-3)
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)
“He gives strength to the weary, And to him who lacks might He increases power. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” (Isaiah 40:29-31)
“Trust in the Lord with all of your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10)
“So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, ‘Abba, Father.’” (Romans 8:15)
“I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)
Pastor Rick Warren once wrote, “The more you pray, the less you’ll panic. The more you worship, the less you worry. You’ll feel more patient and less pressured.”
This is your opportunity to face you fear in faith.
And as you consider more help and resources, keep coming back to the God’s Word for relieving worry. Remember, His Word won’t come back empty. That’s a promise.
7 Things I Wish People Knew About Being A Fat Woman
Staying calm isn’t rocket science.
There’s nothing worse than having a hot date planned and feeling so nervous you’re not sure you’ll actually make it out the door.
The ever-present fear of saying the wrong thing or doing a nervous snort while forcefully laughing at one of your date’s jokes is all too real. And although first date jitters are a completely normal experience, they’re definitely not helpful when it comes to letting our best self shine through, according to Lower Stress Naturally author, Angelina Saunders .
“When interacting with others in a calm state, it’s easier to connect, as the concern for physical nerves has subsided and the focus turns to just being yourself. Once you’re able to calm yourself, it gives you the confidence that you can recreate that same sense of calmness at any moment,” Saunders explains.
So what should we do when we’re freaking out before that scary first date? Here’s what science has to say…
1. Breathe deeply
Whilst we’re carefully selecting which undies to wear, we should stop and remember to breathe, as anxiety can be brought on by shallow breathing.
“One of the fastest and easiest ways to influence the physical, is through deep, rhythmic breathing exercises. So before going on a date, practice slow, controlled breathing to calm the body,” advises Saunders.
2. Be present
According to science, we’re much better off visually undressing our date while he’s in front of us, rather than planning our future with him – it’s all part of being mindful.
Research has shown that staying in the moment, otherwise known as mindfulness, has a positive impact on our mood. A study published in NeuroImage in 2013, concluded that practicing mindfulness can actually reduce our anxiety levels. So focus on living in the present, and not getting involved in future scenarios, or reliving bad past-date experiences when you get ready for your next big date.
3. Stretch it out
Just because we need to take the time to carefully select an outfit doesn’t mean we should miss our Pilates class. A study conducted by Dr Herbert Benson at Harvard Medical School found that exercises like Pilates and yoga help to reduce anxiety and lower the body’s stress response. Not only will we feel happier by performing light exercise prior to heading out for dinner, we’ll be limber and warmed up if our date progresses to an adult sleepover.
4. Change up your date scent
Selecting a new date fragrance? Look for a scent containing lavender. The University of Maryland found the smell of lavender helps to calm our nervous system by promoting relaxation and an elevated mood; so even diffusing essential oils whilst we’re getting ready will make us feel more upbeat.
5. Grab your vibrator
Not that we need an excuse to bust out our vibrator and have some solo fun before a date, but science actually thinks it’s a good idea. When we orgasm, our blood is flooded with happy hormones like dopamine, which is why we feel ah-mazing post pleasure sesh. According to Dr Gloria Brame, “An orgasm is the biggest non-drug blast of dopamine available”. Yes, please!
6. Give a positive name to what you’re feeling
Uncomfortable stomach ache? We’ve all blamed that on the fact we’re stressed we’re going to stuff everything up on our date. But labelling our feelings negatively can do more harm than good. A study by Alison Wood Brooks at Harvard University found that, although it’s hard to sometimes be positive in a stressful situation, reframing feelings with uplifting words can improve your mood about a situation, so look at those ‘fluttery butterflies’ in your belly as a good sign.
7. Be grateful
Hot date with a Hemsworth look-a-like? So many people would be jealous, so just be grateful! Researchers at the University of California-Davis, led by Robert Emmons, found a regular gratitude practice reduced the production of cortisol, a hormone that makes us feel stressed and anxious, by as much as 23 per cent. So be grateful you’re a man-magnet and dead sexy too; go get ‘em, tiger!
Images via shutterstock.com, giphy.com and tumblr.com.
Comment: What’s your pre-date technique for reducing nerves?
Being around someone you find attractive can be mega intimidating, but you have to remember that everyone gets nervous sometimes. Luckily, we have some tips that can help you be cool and confident around your crush!
1 Embrace the Awkward
Most people are so scared about coming across as awkward or having lulls in conversation, but try and think that this is bound to happen. If you accept it, youвЂ™ll come across as genuine. And of course, things will get less awkward as you go along.
2 Remember, TheyвЂ™re Human Too
ItвЂ™s easy to think of boys as an alien species рџ‘Ѕ (and sometimes they act like it) but remembering that they are human just like you can really help to calm your nerves.
7 Celebrities Who Went into Rehab .
Busty fit women
3 Work on Body Language
Making small changes to your body language can have an impact on how you feel and how others see you. Try standing up straight (no slouching!) and making eye contact рџ‘Ђ Practice makes perfect!
4 Smile through ItрџЉ
We definitely understand that smiling isnвЂ™t always natural, but remembering to do so can display confidence and actually impact how youвЂ™re feeling subconsciously. Frowning can actually cause you to feel sadder.
5 Ask Lots of Questionsвќ“вќ“
A way to be less nervous is to direct the attention off of you. The easiest way to do this is by asking lots of questions about the guyвЂ™s interests and hobbies. It obviously also lets you get to know them better, so itвЂ™s a win-win.
6 Wear Your Favorite Clothes рџ‘—
It makes sense that if you like your outfits, youвЂ™ll feel more confident in general. If you know youвЂ™re going to see that hot guy, then dress to impress and work it.
7 Get out of Your Head
Building things up in your mind is an easy thing to do, but it only adds unnecessary stress and worry. Try to visualize the situation in a positive light and see a positive outcome рџ’ If you can think it, you can do it.
These are just a few things to take into account when talking to an attractive guy. Of course, the biggest thing to keep in mind is just to be you, as clichГ© as that might sound. Remember that Rome wasnвЂ™t built in a day and it will get easier in time! Good luck!!рџ
Why emotional regulation matters and how highly sensitive men can improve it.
In my second blog post, I wanted to address the question of how to deal with quickly feeling overstimulated. This is something that the men I interviewed for my book The Highly Sensitive Man often described as one of their biggest challenges.
Having a very sensitive and reactive central nervous system means that highly sensitive men often become quickly overstimulated. They process internal stimuli more deeply (feelings, thoughts, bodily sensations) as well as external stimuli (people, noises, light, smells), which can quickly lead to feeling overwrought. This state of overstimulation can then manifest itself in the form of strong feelings, disparate thoughts, physical, mental, and emotional tension, and inner restlessness. This is often followed by exhaustion and tiredness because their nervous system has been running “on overdrive.”
The tendency to become overstimulated can’t be completely avoided, because it’s impossible to steer clear of all potentially challenging situations—be it a visit to a busy supermarket, your brother’s birthday party, giving a presentation at work, organizing or booking your next vacation, or an upcoming parents’ evening your kids’ school. All these situations can quickly feel overstimulating because they are accompanied by the processing of numerous internal and external stimuli. It is thus not possible to completely avoid overstimulation, not least because it would likely cause you to lead a very controlled and boring life.
In order to lead an active life, take risks, pursue life goals, and experience new things, it is sometimes worth accepting short bouts of overstimulation. And at the end of the day, although overstimulation feels unpleasant, it is only a problem for your health if you remain in a chronic state of overstimulation without ever giving your nervous system a break.
The challenge for someone who has a tendency to become overstimulated and to feel things very strongly—which are often experienced together—is learning to deal with these feelings whenever they arise. This means that highly sensitive men need to get much better at calming themselves down when they notice that they feel overstimulated, tense, or very emotional.
Emotional regulation can really help with this.
In the context of psychotherapy, emotional regulation is the ability to change and regulate your own feelings, particularly when these feelings are very intense and unpleasant. The goal here isn’t to not feel anything anymore or just to feel good, but rather to get better at tolerating our feelings and our emotional arousal so that we don’t feel helplessly controlled by them.
The following emotional regulation skills can help us deal better with overstimulation and strong feelings:
- The ability to notice, differentiate, and name your emotions (“I feel angry,” “I feel upset,” “I feel cross”).
- The ability to recognize triggers and maintaining factors for your emotions (“I feel… because…,” “Whenever I do…, then I feel…”).
- The ability to inﬂuence the intensity, duration, and quality of emotions.
- The development of mindfulness and acceptance when dealing with emotions (observing feelings before taking action, learning to tolerate feelings; instead of saying “I want/must/should not feel this way,” learning to say “I feel…, at the moment, and that’s OK” or “I feel…, and I’m going to keep observing this feeling until it changes”).
- Learning to normalize emotions (“It’s normal and not a problem to feel like this,” “Other people feel like this in these sorts of situations”).
- Learning to better recognize the connection between basic emotional needs and emotions (“I feel better at this moment because…,” “When I feel…, then I need…”).
- When you do experience negative emotions, learning to be supportive and caring in relation to yourself, empathizing with yourself and confronting your own suffering or pain in a kind and compassionate way, just as you would with a friend (“I’m there for you,” “This isn’t easy for you,” “I can feel your pain,” “You’re not alone, I’m here with you,” “Tell me what’s wrong”).
- Learning to form alternative, self-calming thoughts (“Stay calm,” “Take this slowly,” “One step at a time”).
- The ability to make concrete changes to your behavior in different situations (i.e., consciously doing something differently or specifically doing something to calm yourself or to make the situation better or more tolerable for yourself).
- The use of physical relaxation techniques (relaxing your body, muscles, and breathing when you’re feeling tense or stressed).
- Getting better at using your imagination (for instance, recalling past events and situations that gave you strength and made you feel calm, relaxed, and secure, or recalling a calming location or a trusted person whom you associate with positive feelings and memories).
The skills we use to regulate our feelings—which we usually use completely automatically and unconsciously in our daily lives—are things that we learn very early on in life, as infants and children, through our contact with our parents. Our parents also present us with a direct model of how we might deal with our feelings, which we learn and internalize.
The good news is that whatever we experienced as children, whatever our model was, by consciously using the strategies outlined above, we can still strengthen and develop our ability to regulate and change our feelings in later life. At the same time, we also now know that deﬁcits in emotional regulation, in terms of the way we perceive, designate, tolerate, understand, and modify our feelings, can cause and sustain psychological problems.
If you identify today as a highly sensitive man, then you were also a highly sensitive baby and little boy. And if you cried as a baby because, perhaps, you were overtired, then it was probably your parents or another guardian who (hopefully) tried to comfort you and calm you down. Of course, this isn’t always the case, but ideally, they did this by holding you in their arms, stroking you, speaking to you in a gentle voice, or singing or humming; they touched you or distracted you in order to help you calm down and reduce your emotional and physical tension.
And this is, in effect, exactly what you can do as a highly sensitive adult man when you find yourself in a state of emotional overstimulation. You wouldn’t have calmed down or stopped crying when you were a baby or a child if your parents had shouted at you, criticized you, or left you in a room on your own. So it’s vital that in difficult moments you are able to use emotional regulation to look after yourself and comfort yourself instead of criticizing your tendency to become quickly overstimulated and to feel things intensely (“Oh, here we go again!”). This only increases the tension you feel and your emotional arousal and doesn’t help you calm down more quickly.
Tom Falkenstein is a practicing cognitive behavioral psychotherapist. His book, The Highly Sensitive Man, is out now.
A communication expert and best-selling author offers nine helpful strategies to eliminate presentation or “speech” anxiety.
Before you jump onstage or in front of the room to deliver an important presentation, do you experience physical or emotional symptoms like nausea, sweaty palms, anxiety, or feelings of panic? It may not be so extreme for you, but it happens to millions of people everywhere.
Ten years ago, I checked into the ER before one of my very first speaking engagements thinking I was having a heart attack. The electrocardiogram showed that my heart was as strong as ever. What had happened?
I had had a panic attack — a sudden, overwhelming surge of anxiety and fear that mimics a heart attack. Numerous speaking engagements later, I managed to learn how to control feelings that commonly led to speaking anxiety.
Nine Ways to Help Reduce Presentation Anxiety
Some people rank the fear of public speaking higher than the fear of death! It is very real and can be debilitating. Even billionaire Warren Buffett admits that he was “terrified” of public speaking early in his career. He decided that to reach his full potential, he had to overcome his fear of it. If you are faced with a similar challenge, there are several techniques to help you overcome your fears.
David Greenberg, president and CEO of Simply Speaking and author of the bestseller Simply Speaking! The No-Sweat Way to Prepare and Deliver Presentations, is a foremost expert on this topic. He has been coaching and training leaders from top companies to transform their presentations since 1988.
Greenberg offers nine helpful strategies to eliminate presentation or “speech” anxiety.
1. Accept that being nervous is not a bad thing.
Greenberg says, “Being nervous means you care about giving a good presentation. Your nervousness produces adrenaline, which helps you think faster, speak more fluently,
and add the needed enthusiasm to convey your message.”
2. Don’t try to be perfect.
Greenberg explains that the fear of public speaking often stems from a fear of imperfection. He urges us to “accept the fact that no one ever gets it perfect and neither will you.” Rather than striving to become a “super-speaker,” Greenberg’s simple advice is to just be yourself. “Your audience will appreciate it,” he says.
3. Know your subject matter.
One must “earn the right,” says Greenberg, to speak on a particular topic. “Become an authority on your topic and know more than most or all of the people in your audience. The more you know, the more confident you will be,” he says.
4. Engage your audience.
Audience involvement is key. Ask your audience questions or have them participate in an activity to hold their attention. Greenberg says that turning your presentation from monologue to dialogue helps reduce your nervousness and engages the audience.
Breathing from your stomach muscles, not your chest, calms the nervous system. Here’s what to do: Take a few deep breaths before and even during your presentation. “As you inhale,” says Greenberg, “say to yourself ‘I am,’ and as you exhale, say ‘relaxed.'”
6. Visualize your success.
Close your eyes and picture yourself delivering your talk with confidence and
enthusiasm. What does the room look like? What do the people look like? How do you
look? “Picture your successful presentation in detail and allow your mind to help turn your
picture into a reality,” says Greenberg.
7. Practice out loud.
The best way to reduce your anxiety is to rehearse until you feel comfortable, advises Greenberg. “Practicing by yourself is important,” he says, “but I urge you to also practice in front of a friend, colleague, or coach who will give you honest and constructive feedback.”
8. Avoid caffeine and alcohol.
Caffeinated drinks can increase your heart rate, make you jittery, and cause your hands to shake, which gives your audience the impression you’re a nervous wreck. And, it goes without saying, drinking alcohol to cope with your fears will increase your chances of forgetting things and slurring your words.
9. Make eye contact.
Greenberg suggests arriving early when the room is full of empty chairs and practicing by “pretending that you are looking into people’s eyes.” When you begin your talk, pick a few friendly faces in different areas of the room. Says Greenberg, “Not only will the audience appreciate it, but also you will see that they are interested in your message. Add a smile and you are bound to see some in return.”
Getting worked up will only make things worse.
When you’re in the middle of a conflict, it’s common to automatically enter into a “fight or flight” mentality. But it’s possible to interrupt this response and clear a path towards entering into a more productive discussion. Start by taking a deep breath and focusing on your body. Repeat a mantra to yourself such as “This isn’t about me,” “This will pass,” or “This is about the business.” And try to distance yourself from the negative emotion you’re feeling by labeling it: “He is so wrong about that and it’s making me mad becomes I’m having the thought that my coworker is wrong, and I’m feeling anger.” And don’t forget the value of taking a break. The more time you give yourself to process your emotions, the less intense they are likely to be.
Getting worked up will only make things worse.
It’s hard not to get worked up emotionally when you’re in a tense conversation. After all, a disagreement can feel like a threat. You’re afraid you’re going to have to give up something — your point of view, the way you’re used to doing something, the notion that you’re right, or maybe even power – and your body therefore ramps up for a fight by triggering the sympathetic nervous system. This is a natural response, but the problem is that our bodies and minds aren’t particularly good at discerning between the threats presented by not getting your way on the project plan and, say, being chased down by a bear. Your heart rate and breathing rate spike, your muscles tighten, the blood in your body moves away from your organs, and you’re likely to feel uncomfortable.
None of this puts you in the right frame of mind to resolve a conflict. If your body goes into “fight or flight” mode or what Dan Goleman called “amygdala hijack,” you may lose access to the prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain responsible for rational thinking. And making rational decisions is precisely what you need to do in a difficult conversation. Not only are you losing the ability to think clearly but chances are your counterpart notices the signs of stress — your face turning red, the pace of your speech speeding up — and, because of mirror neurons that cause us to “catch” the emotions of another person, your colleague is likely to start feeling the same way. Before you know it, the conversation has derailed and the conflict intensifies.
Luckily, it’s possible to interrupt this physical response, manage your emotions, and clear the way for a productive discussion. There are several things you can do to keep your cool during a conversation or to calm yourself down if you’ve gotten worked up.
HBR Guide to Dealing with Conflict
Breathe. Simple mindfulness techniques can be your best friend in tense situations and none is more straightforward and accessible than using your breath. So when you start noticing yourself getting tense, try to focus on breathing. Notice the sensation of air coming in and out of your lungs. Feel it pass through your nostrils or down the back of your throat. This will take your attention off the physical signs of panic and keep you centered. Some mindfulness experts suggest counting your breath — either inhaling and exhaling for a count of 6, for example, or just counting each exhale until you get to 10 and then starting again.
Focus on your body. Sitting still when you’re having a difficult conversation can make the emotions build up rather than dissipate. Experts say that standing up and walking around helps to activate the thinking part of your brain. If you and your counterpart are seated at a table, you may be hesitant to suddenly stand up. Fair enough. Instead, you might say, “I feel like I need to stretch some. Mind if I walk around a bit?” If that still doesn’t feel comfortable, you can do small physical things like crossing two fingers or placing your feet firmly on the ground and noticing what the floor feels like on the bottom of your shoes. Mindfulness experts call this “anchoring.” It can work in all kinds of stressful situations. For example, for a long time I was afraid of flying, but I found that counting while touching each of my fingers with my thumb helped to get me out of my rumination mode.
Try saying a mantra. This is a piece of advice I’ve gotten from Amy Jen Su, managing partner of Paravis Partners and coauthor of Own the Room. She recommends coming up with a phrase that you can repeat to yourself to remind you to stay calm. Some of her clients have found “Go to neutral” to be a helpful prompt. You can also try “This isn’t about me,” “This will pass,” or “This is about the business.”
Acknowledge and label your feelings. Another useful tactic comes from Susan David, author of Emotional Agility. When you’re feeling emotional, “the attention you give your thoughts and feelings crowds your mind; there’s no room to examine them,” she says. To distance yourself from the feeling, label it. “Call a thought a thought and an emotion an emotion,” says David. He is so wrong about that and it’s making me mad becomes I’m having the thought that my coworker is wrong, and I’m feeling anger. Labeling like this allows you to see your thoughts and feelings for what they are: “transient sources of data that may or may not prove helpful.” When you put that space between these emotions and you, it’s easier to let them go — and not bury them or let them explode.
Take a break. In my experience, this is a far-underused approach. The more time you give yourself to process your emotions, the less intense they are likely to be. So when things get heated, you may need to excuse yourself for a moment — get a cup of coffee or a glass of water, go to the bathroom, or take a brief stroll around the office. Be sure to give a neutral reason for why you want to stand up and pause the conversation — the last thing you want is for your counterpart to think that things are going so badly you’re desperate to escape. Try saying something like, “I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I’d love to get a quick cup of coffee before we continue. Can I get you something while I’m up?”
Keep in mind that you’re probably not the only one who’s upset. Your counterpart is likely to express anger or frustration too. While you may want to give them the above advice, no one wants to be told they need to breathe more deeply or take a break. So you may be in a situation where you just need to let the other person vent. That’s usually easier said than done though. It’s hard not to yell back when you’re being attacked, but that’s not going to help. Jeanne Brett, a professor of dispute resolution and negotiations at Kellogg School of Management, suggests visualizing your coworker’s words going over your shoulder, not hitting you in the chest. But don’t act aloof; it’s important to show that you’re listening. If you don’t feed your counterpart’s negative emotion with your own, it’s likely they will wind down.
Let’s face it. Conflicts with coworkers can be tough. But you’re not going to solve the underlying issues or maintain a positive relationship if you barrel through the conversation when you’re completely worked up. Hopefully, these five tactics will help you move from angry and upset to cool as a cucumber.
Steve is a confidence coach who helps leaders build confidence. Read full profile
- Pin it
Picture yourself sitting on an airplane. You’re at 10,000 feet, sitting with your legs hanging in the air, the ground far below, the air whipping around you, a parachute strapped to your back and a loud man shouting from behind you to just jump already.
That’s an extreme situation, but nerves can strike in more everyday situations too like meeting new people, job interviews, a first date or an important meeting.
When nerves hit, you feel as though you’re not up to the challenge that you find yourself faced with and if you let them, they’ll have you turning back around, running away and hiding under the bed sheets.
The good news is that you don’t have to let your nerves call the shots—here are 7 ways to overcome them.
1. Focus on Your Best
What are you like when you’re at your best? Think for a moment about the times when you’ve been at the top of your game, buzzing, flowing and feeling alive, then dive, swim and relish in how that feels.
Being at your best is about two things—bringing everything you are to the moment you find yourself in, and the absence of all the pesky fears, doubts and nerves that trip you up. That state of being at your best is always right inside you, waiting.
It’s pretty cool and when you get really familiar with how this feels you can bring it out at a moment’s notice. All it takes is a conscious, deliberate thought on your part to go there.
2. Follow Your Breath
Nerves are pernicious, sticky thoughts that spiral round and round in that wonderful brain of yours. Once they’re spinning around, it’s really tough to get out of your head, return to the moment and get back in the driver’s seat. Your breath is one of the most powerful tools for getting back on track, so the next time the nerves hit, gently shift your focus onto your breath as it moves in and out of your body.
Don’t do anything with the breath, don’t force it or try to regulate it, just notice the full duration of the in breath, wherever you feel it in your body. Keep your attention on the breath, noticing the sensations in your body as you exhale, and even the momentary pause between the in-breath and out-breath.
Your breath is a wonderful anchor to the present and, with a little practice, can cut right through your nerves.
3. Reset your Expectations
Your brain loves certainty and in an effort to try to be more certain about how things will turn out, it will create an array of expected outcomes.
These expectations will run the whole gamut between wonderful success and tragic failure, but, as it’s the more painful, negative expectations that threaten your safety, it’s those that your brain gives more focus to.
But they’re not real. They’re no more real than the Darth Vader bobble head sitting on your office desk. Once you realize you don’t need to dance to this negative tune in your head, sweeping away your expectations feels remarkably liberating.
4. Reassure Yourself
Nerves are really just stories about all the things that could go wrong; like screwing it all up, looking a fool or people thinking less of you. As stories go, they don’t have very happy endings, but in the end, they’re still just stories.
Those stories don’t have to play out, so take a moment to reassure yourself. You’ve come this far and you’re still okay. You’ve faced challenges before and come through just fine. This will be okay too. You’ll be fine, whatever happens, you’ll get through it and live another day.
5. Normalize Rejection
Rejection sure feels nasty doesn’t it? As experiences go, it’s pretty awful, but that’s only because we’re wired to think that it’s “bad”. Truth is, nobody goes through life without rejection featuring in some measure, and a life spent avoiding rejection is a life spent unlived.
Fearing rejection will pile on the pressure and crank up those nerves, but what if rejection wasn’t so bad? What if it didn’t mean that you were less than or not good enough, but simply meant that it didn’t work out this time around?
Rejection is just something that happens from time to time, rather than something that diminishes your value.
6. Choose Which Thoughts you Honor
What do you hear in your head when the nerves hit? I can’t do this. This is horrible. I’m not good enough. What if I screw it up? I don’t want to be here.
Familiar, right? If there’s one thing your brain’s good at, it’s making thoughts. It does it all day long, whether you want them or not. A thought about what you had for dinner last night, a thought about the room you’re about to nervously enter, a thought about that funny thing your friend said, a thought about how you might feel if you get it wrong.
They’re all just thoughts, and the thought that trumps them all is the one that decides which ones you trust and honor. Which ones are you going to listen to?
7. Practice More for Next Time
It’s true that the more you do something, the better you get. Whether it’s cooking the perfect piece of fish, running or playing the banjo, you always start from scratch, give it a shot, practice some more and get better.
Your skills and capabilities continually evolve and the more you practice, the more accustomed you get and the more effective you become.
So, when starting out with something that makes you nervous, be ready for the initial awkwardness and those rookie nerves, then seek out opportunities to practice, learn and grow.
By Moshe Ratson — Written on Jul 17, 2021
Your husband is a great guy . except for his anger problem. And when he flares up, his anger and stress take a toll on you and your entire family. Maybe his anger ruins otherwise fun, peaceful moments. Maybe you feel like you’re always walking on eggshells, never knowing what might set him off.
Dealing with an angry husband is quite frustrating and sometimes even scary. However, this doesn’t mean that you must totally isolate yourself from your other half.
Know that the person who can play the most powerful role in calming a hyper-defensive man is actually his wife.
How to calm a man down when he’s angry is not by tap-dancing around his anger, but by trying to better understand it.
Caring for your husband, considering his well-being (as well as your own), and learning new ways to express emotions and de-escalate conflict can help minimize your husband’s anger problem and restore some peace to your home.
Here are eight ways how to calm a man down when he’s angry.
It starts with understanding his anger, then defusing it, and remaining connected.
1. See his anger as a call for help
Anger is a sign that something needs resolving. It’s like the light indicator on your car dashboard signaling you that something is off. In this case, that your husband is in psychological distress. Offer him assistance. Ask, “What can I do to help you feel better?” Making an effort to understand what’s angered him can help your husband relieve his stress and better face the challenge at hand.
2. Remain calm (even when he’s not)
When your husband or boyfriend is angry and flares up, it’s natural for your temper to flare, as well. Especially when you feel that he’s lashing out unfairly. But your heated response will only escalate the tension.
Remember, your true goal is to lessen that volatile energy. Staying calm won’t feel easy, but try to hold your temper, remain calm and exercise patience. When you feel your temper rising, pause and breathe through the uncomfortable sensations in your body, and then respond thoughtfully (instead of reacting emotionally or defensively).
3. Make him feel emotionally safe
Men need emotional safety just as much as women do. Reassuring him is one way to show your husband that you’ll stand by his side no matter what. In many cases, your husband’s anxiety and anger are a result of him feeling injured or vulnerable. A man will feel emotionally safe with a sincere and emotionally available woman.
Say kind things to your husband and avoid criticizing him (or patronizing him). Besides that, listening attentively to him will help him feel emotionally supported.
4. Find compassion
Compassion is a solution to his anger. When your husband feels frustrated or angry, trying to turn his hostile feelings into love and kindness probably feels next to impossible. But it actually is possible and the solution you’re looking for.
Trust me, all of that anger coursing through him doesn’t feel any better to him than it does to you. He’s responsible for his words and actions, but finding compassion for his struggle against his intense reactions can help heal you both.
5. Don’t assume.
Assuming or “mind-reading” often does more harm than good. So, don’t assume you know the reason why your husband is angry. Ask questions to clarify your husband’s motives and ask about his needs. Respectfully inquire about the changes you notice in his behavior by highlighting the reason for your worry and what’s best for both of you. Having an open conversation gives you a surprising result.
6. Just listen to him
Anger escalates when your partner feels he’s not being heard or respected. Communicate directly and use reflective listening. Make sure you reaffirm whatever your partner shares with you — this makes him feel understood. Try to relate to what he is saying.
We all long to feel understood and validated. Your husband feels the same way. He won’t feel connected unless he feels you get what he’s saying or experiencing.
7. Catch the anger early
Prevention is better than cure in terms of the energy and effort required. Early intervention either keeps the anger from starting or at least keeps it from getting stronger.
Michael Phelps, Michael Jordan, Steph Curry, and other champs tell you how to handle the heat
Some athletes have the steely nerves of a Quentin Tarantino-scripted assassin. Think of Yankees’ closer Mariano Rivera showing no emotion as he mowed down batter after batter in the playoffs.
Other stars wilt under pressure—sometimes in epic fashion. (Cough cough, Greg Norman at the ’96 Masters.)
What separates the prime-time players from the choke artists? Here, five champs explain how they kept their emotions in check when the lights shone brightest.
Guard, Golden State Warriors
Two-time NBA MVP Stephen Curry dazzles fans with his long-range threes and dizzying ball handling. His pre-game ritual of taking jump shots from half court and from the tunnel to the locker rooms brings fans to Warriors’ games hours early.
Before his first trip to the NBA Finals, Curry relied on that pre-game routine to relax.
“You’ve got to approach it like normal,” he said to the press in a YouTube video. “The routine that you set up all season long—you’ve got to rely on that.
The routine Curry relies on involves taking more than 2,000 shots every week. He takes at least 250 shots per day, plus another 100 before the game, according to the Washington Post.
Curry said: “I don’t know what I’ll feel when I walk in the arena. There’s no preparing yourself for that. But, I’m going to have the same routine from the time I shoot around to the time I go home to the time I go to the game, and that should hopefully be able to calm myself down. And once the game starts, your preparation should take over and you’ll be ready to go.”
Quarterback, 2010 BCS National Championship Game
When Alabama Quarterback Greg McElroy stepped to the line of scrimmage for the first play of the biggest game of his life, he’d had 5 weeks to freak himself out about the enormity of that moment.
“You end the [regular] season around Thanksgiving and then you don’t play until the new year—that’s a long time to sit and think about the game,” McElroy says. “You can imagine a lot of scenarios and psych yourself out.”
How did he steady his nerves while staring down the University of Texas defense? When the game wasn’t going his way, McElroy tried to focus on each play rather than on how the game was going.
“Every play is a new beginning and has nothing to do with the last play,” he says. “If I did something boneheaded or brilliant, [each new play] was still a chance to start over.”
By focusing only on what he could do in the moment—not what had already happened, or what he had to accomplish over the coming hours—he kept his nerve and helped his team to a 37-21 win.
Olympic Fencer, 2008 Silver Medalist, Two-Time U.S. National Champion
At the 2012 London Olympics, Morehouse faced the second-ranked sabre fencer in the world. Just before the match began, he saw his opponent’s hand shaking.
“I was immediately calm when I saw that,” Morehouse says. “Here’s a guy, on paper, who should beat me, but his mental game wasn’t there.”
Reminding yourself that your opponent is probably more freaked out than you are is a good way to calm yourself down.
Even though his team medaled in 2008, Morehouse is equally proud of his non-medal 2012 effort. He reached the quarterfinals by defeating two tough opponents—a Russian and a Belarusian who were both ranked higher than he was.
“I just looked at my opponent and said, ‘Why shouldn’t I be the guy who wins the gold?’” he recalls. “Just asking that question made me feel like I could beat anybody.”
U.S. Swimmer, 23 Olympic Gold Medals
The world’s most decorated Olympian and owner of the scowl that launched a thousand memes, Phelps is also one of the most mentally prepared athletes in history.
To stay calm, he visualizes both good and bad outcomes—imagining what could go wrong and how to fix it.
“He’s the best I’ve ever seen and maybe the best ever in terms of visualization,” his coach, Bob Bowman, told the Washington Post.
Over and over before a race, Phelps rehearses what he’d do if something goes wrong.
“If my suit ripped or if my goggles broke, you know, what would I do?” Phelps says.
Bowman elaborates: “He has all of this in his database, so that when he swims the race he’s already programmed his nervous system to do one of those. And he’ll just pick the one that happens to come up. If everything’s perfect, he’ll just go with the perfect one. If he has to make a change, he’s got it in there.”
Rather than focus only on the perfect scenario—or the perfectly awful one—Phelps imagines every situation so nothing can catch him off guard.
Shooting Guard, Six-Time NBA Champion
The first time Michael Jordan reached the NBA Finals, his nerves got the better of him.
“We came into the first game as nervous as can be, and we lost the first game,” said his coach, Phil Jackson, of the 1991 Finals.
Jackson told ESPN that Jordan had allowed his adrenalin and the pressure he felt to exhaust him. Jordan drove into double and triple-teams and failed to pass the ball to open players.
But a simple question from Jackson—“Who’s open?”— prompted Jordan to revert to the routines the Bulls had relied on to make it to the Finals.
Jordan started sharing the ball and took the game moment-by-moment.
“I would tell players to relax and never think about what’s at stake,” Jordan said. “If you start to think about who is going to win the championship, you’ve lost your focus.”
His team went on to win the 1991 NBA Finals—their first of six titles spread throughout the ’90s.
Elizabeth is a passionate writer who shares about lifestyle tips and lessons learned in life on Lifehack. Read full profile
- Pin it
Women all around the world agree that being in a relationship can bring a lot of delight and excitement into your life. There are many fish in the sea and the options are endless. For those ladies already in a relationship, you may wonder every once in a while whether you made the right choice by being with your significant other. What if there were some things you’ve neglected to consider? Is it time to rethink your options?
To put your mind at ease, here are a few signs that you are in fact dating a great guy who you should never let go.
1. He loves you for your dorky, awkward self
Not all girls can have as much confidence and grace as Marilyn Monroe. You may have an awkward laugh, or a weird way of walking. Maybe you stutter, tell bad jokes and drool in your sleep. Maybe you aren’t very comfortable around his friends and family, but at the end of every day he still finds you adorable. It’s the best feeling knowing that you don’t have to pretend you’re someone you’re not.
2. He doesn’t run for the hills during your period
Some situations can’t be fixed by anyone, not even by your number one man. Let’s use your time of the month as an example. He doesn’t know what it’s like, and a large percentage of women suffer mood swings and hormonal fluctuations that can be terrifying and confusing. He can’t be expected to know exactly what to say, however he will sit you down, wrap a blanket around you and give you a massage. What more could you ask for?
3. He’s more real than men from the movies
If he has ever tried surprising you with a song or other romantic gesture, more often than not it has ended up more embarrassing than romantic. However the gestures are flattering and prove to be topics of conversation for the rest of your relationship. Let’s face it, perfect guys don’t exist, so the fact that this imperfect guy can make you happy is an indicator that you’re probably with the right guy.
4. He never lets you go to bed angry or upset
All couples fight – it’s a given. Every relationship has its low points and its high points. In whatever case, it is great to have a man who makes sure you two don’t dwell on unnecessary arguments. There is nothing worse than waking up in the morning knowing that you had that fight last night and are supposed to be avoiding each other and exchanging glares the next morning. If he takes the extra effort to make sure you don’t fall asleep without making up, then you know he’s a keeper.
5. He isn’t too scared of your dad’s shotgun
Many men cringe at the thought of meeting your parents, especially if they’re the scary type. When your significant other is actually enthusiastic about meeting your folks and incorporating himself into your family, then this is a sign that you’ve picked a good one. A good boyfriend will never try to isolate you from your family, so be sure you look out for this.
6. He is the only person you need to have a good time
Photo credit: Source
Whether you’re watching a movie, eating dinner, playing video games or just spending the whole day in bed talking about everything, he is the only person you need to have a memorable moment. Spending time with other people is great, but sometimes there’s nothing you love more than being able to spend some quality time alone with him. Your lives together will never be dull.
7. He doesn’t burn toast
Enough said. Maybe all he knows how to do is flip a pancake or not burn an omelet – on the other hand he might be a better cook than you. Either way, there is nothing more attractive than a guy who knows his way around the kitchen. While you still need to spend a few hours laboring in the kitchen, it’s good to know that he’s willing to put in as much effort as you.
8. He doesn’t doubt you, and doesn’t give you any reason to doubt him
Trust is the most important part of a functional relationship, and it is vital that both of you are putting in an equal amount of effort. If you can go out late on a Friday night without him hounding you with questions the morning after about where you were, what you did and who you were with, then you know you’ve established a good trust relationship. At the same time, he doesn’t give you any reason to question who he texts and why he hasn’t called when he said he would. Whatever excuse or apology he gives you is legitimate. This is a man you should keep around for as long as possible.
9. He has creative ways to let you know he loves you
Photo credit: Source
It’s extremely easy to say those three little words – and after a long relationship it becomes something you say almost automatically, even if you don’t mean it. At this stage, if your boyfriend is finding more creative ways to let you know he cares, then this is the sign of a keeper. Maybe he’s started leaving cute notes for you to find when you wake up in the morning. Maybe he’s started singing to you. Maybe he’s taking you on picnics. Whatever he does, it should mean the world to you.
10. He doesn’t have multiple personalities
He doesn’t have to act ‘cool’ in front of his friends or your friends. He doesn’t pretend to be anything to impress your parents. He doesn’t have to act any differently around you to make you like him better. He’s the same person all the time—honest and consistent. You never have to worry whether he’ll act weird around particular people, and you know that the man your fell in love with such a long time ago will still be the same man in fifty years. This is a sign that you should never ever let him go.
It’s natural to get nervous, but there are some very effective ways to keep others from knowing your little secret.
It is hard to escape those moments in life when you are feeling incredibly nervous. Even if we plan ahead and rehearse, our body’s reaction to being nervous can flare up in very uncomfortable physiological ways. We get that rush of adrenaline and our stomach feels like it’s turning upside down. We begin to sweat, our cheeks flush, and some of us even develop a nervous tic–a bouncing knee, twitchy foot, nail biting, blinking too rapidly, or speaking too quickly. This fight-or-flight reaction is perfectly normal, although unsettling and, at times, quite embarrassing.
Wouldn’t it be great to be able to calm yourself down enough making it possible for you to get through any situation no matter how nervous you become?
Here are some great ways to hide your nervous behavior so you can tackle any nerve-racking event in your life.
Being nervous can disrupt normal breathing. Your breathing can become shallow and irregular. Is it any wonder we often feel faint when nervous? Take a few deep breaths and find your normal breathing pattern–that deep breath will help you relax. too.
2. Don’t admit it
One of the worst things you can do is admit you are nervous. This brings the focus fully on you and all those horribly natural things that are happening to your body when nervous.
3. Speak slowly
When we are nervous, we often speak much too quickly. Be conscious of this and make a point of speaking slowly. Even if it sounds too slow to you, chances are those who are listening will think it’s just right. Much better to leave a meeting with your message delivered clearly instead of people scratching their heads saying, “What did he just say?”
4. Relax your body
Do a quick body check and purposefully try to relax and calm your body’s nervous reactions–relax your panicked, tightened muscles. Sit up straight, but in a relaxed way, not too rigid. Make sure your feet and hands are calm and relaxed–no bouncing, tapping, or wringing allowed. Relax the muscles in your face so you’re not frowning or looking worried.
5. Maintain eye contact
You are screaming, “I’m nervous” when you don’t maintain consistent eye contact nervously glancing around the room instead. Maintain eye contact without robotically staring–it’s okay to look away occasionally to gather your thoughts.
6. Ask a question
If you are feeling nervous and having a hard time getting your thoughts out, ask a question–the attention is all of a sudden on others, not you. This will give you time to take a deep breath, calm down, and collect your thoughts so you can articulate better what you are trying to say.
7. Be yourself
Remind yourself that you are fine just the way you are and take the focus off everything going perfectly. Go into situations knowing that you might make a mistake, and that’s OK–you’re human just like everyone else in the world. Don’t force a smile or tell a corny joke. Just let conversations happen naturally and smile or tell that joke when or if it’s appropriate.
8. Still struggling?
Tried everything and you are still struggling to hide your nervousness? According to Alison Wood Brooks at Harvard Business School, you should turn your nervousness into excitement. Instead of being nervous and saying you’re nervous, be excited and say you’re excited. She observed a fake it until you make it effect on a study group who tried to hide their nervousness by saying that they were excited instead and, sure enough, this group outperformed the group that admitted they were nervous. She believes that by channeling our nervous feelings into excitement, we tend to focus on positive outcomes instead of all the things that could potentially go wrong when we’re nervous–definitely worth a try!
Ah, crushes. You spend your nights dreaming about them. When you see them, you get butterflies in your stomach. You’re happy when they’re around, and you’d do anything to spend more time with them.
But when you really like someone, the thought of admitting your feelings can be really scary. What if they don’t like you back? What if you’ve made it awkward, and now you can’t even be friends?
These are all real and valid fears, but telling someone you like them can also have its rewards. After all, admitting you’re interested is the first step towards a first date !
If you like someone and you’re not sure what to do next, here’s how to tell a guy you like him (or girl – whatever floats your boat).
Timing Is Everything: When You Should Confess
The first thing you need to decide is whether or not you’re ready to share your feelings. Think about why you like them in the first place. Is this just a fleeting infatuation or are you guys actually quite compatible? Do you have a crush on them because you actually know them or because you’ve built up an idea of them in your head?
Another thing you need to ask yourself before you confess is whether or not it’s possible that they could return your feelings. If your crush barely talks to you or seems a little distant when you do interact, then confessing might not be worth your energy.
But if they make the effort to spend time with you, laugh at your jokes, and remember the little things about you, then those could be the signs you’re looking for!
How To Tell Someone You Like Them
Once you’ve decided that it’s go-time, the next thing you need to decide is how to tell your crush you like them. There are generally two ways to go about it: in person or over text .
Confessing your feelings face-to-face is nerve-wracking when you like someone, but it’s also the best way to do it. It will feel more meaningful, and you’ll get plus points for actually working up the confidence to do it. You’ll also be able to gauge their reaction better.
But if you’re really too shy to do it in person, you could also do it in a text. Just remember that this should be your absolute last resort.
Your Step-By-Step Guide To Confessing Your Crush
1. Decide The Time And Place
If you’ve decided to tell your crush, you should make your move as soon as possible. Otherwise, you’ll end up overthinking it and maybe not even do it at all. If it helps, set a deadline for yourself, and commit to it.
Choose a time when you’re both free and don’t have to rush anywhere. Also, be sure to avoid busy and high-stress moments, like right before a big test.
When you confess, it should be in private, a.k.a. just between the two of you. Pick a place where you’re both comfortable, like your favourite coffee shop or at a park.
2. Stay Calm And Confident
Being confident will assure your crush that your feelings are sincere, and it will also make things a lot less awkward. Before you meet up with the person you like, take a few moments to breathe and calm yourself down. Don’t let your nerves get the best of you, and you’ll get through it like a champ.
3. Ease It Into The Conversation
Even though it feels like your heart is bursting out of your chest, you don’t need to make a huge deal out of confessing your feelings. You don’t need any grand gestures of love; just start off with a normal conversation about your day and work it in naturally from there.
4. Do Not Pressure Them!
When you confess to your crush, it should be about getting your feelings out – not expecting something in return. Don’t pressure them into responding right away and give them time to think about what you’ve just said. Don’t ask if they like you back, allow them to react when and how they need to.
Things To Say
You don’t have to spend days thinking about sweet things to say – keeping it simple is the best approach! Say what you mean, mean what you say, and keep it straightforward. Here are some of the things you can say to express your feelings:
- “I like you.”
- “I have fun with you and I’d like to ask you out.”
- “You’re an awesome person, and I want to go on a date with you.”
- “This may or may not come as a surprise, but I’m into you.”
- “I don’t know if you feel the same way, but I just wanted to share that I’m interested in you.”
- “If you’re interested, maybe we can go out for dinner/drinks/a movie sometime.”
You should also keep in mind what NOT to say. Don’t use this time to declare your undying love or to goad them into revealing their feelings. That will just put them on the spot and make it awkward for everyone involved.
How To SHOW A Guy You Like Him
Sometimes, you just can’t find the words. If you’re not ready to tell them how you feel, you can still show them. Below are cute ways to signal “I like you” to your crush.
- Offer to do favours for them.
- Touch them (non-invasively!) on the arm or leg when talking to them.
- Learn about the things they’re interested, whether it’s music, sports, or something else.
- Smile, make eye contact, and say their name a lot during conversation.
- Make or buy little gifts to show them that you’re thinking about them.
The most important thing you can do when confessing to your crush is: just relax. Even if they don’t like you back, it’s not the end of the world. And if they do return your feelings, congratulations – start prepping for your first date!
Better in-the-moment responses towards difficult family members.
Posted January 26, 2018 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma
“Families are like fudge…mostly sweet with lots of nuts.”
After the holidays, I see a lot of people recovering from spending too much time with their families. Before the holidays, they mistakenly thought to themselves, “This year will be different; this year we’ll have a nice time together.” But then it’s never different. The time they spent with their families was like walking on hot coals; they couldn’t wait for it to be over. It’s like all their reasoning and maturity went away when faced with close-minded comments and overly opinionated uncles. Then, to top it all off, they get mad at themselves for letting these things bother them. Can you relate?
Feeling overly agitated, like you’re going to burst whenever you’re around family, isn’t a new phenomenon. However, there are ways to better prepare yourself any time you have an unwanted family reunion.
Dealing with stressful situations in the moment
So, your annoying aunt asks why you aren’t married yet, or your parents scream at you to help them with something before you’ve even had a chance to close the door. Going in with a clear mind and making a deal with yourself to take on any situation in a rational way is a good start, no matter how you’re greeted. But at the same time, it’s important to acknowledge that you have the right to naturally get upset by others’ unthoughtful actions. The crucial part is knowing that just because you’re upset doesn’t mean you have the right to act out from those emotions. In fact, it will probably only make the situation worse if you retaliate.
A good place to start is by taking a few deep breaths, trying to reduce your anxiety around the stressful situation by bringing in your rational mind. Breathe out, and disengage by remaining factual. If your parents are asking you to run off and help with something, tell them you’ll look into it after you close the door and are able to say hi to everyone, or maybe even after you eat. If your pushy aunt asks you why you’re still single, make a joke. If you’re too agitated, just say you’ll talk about it later. That will give you time to relax and think about how you want to deal with the situation if you want to talk about it at all.
Sometimes just acknowledging that you’re annoyed is enough to give you room to deal with the frustration and anger. If it’s not enough, practice a coping skill like deep breathing, or talk yourself down from the situation by telling yourself, “They don’t mean to be annoying,” or, “Things will calm down once I get settled.”
Develop a strong sense of self
When people fail to develop a strong self, their well-being and functioning usually depend on what others say or don’t say, instead of on what they personally think. Essentially, their sense of self-vanishes in the presence of others, especially in the presence of family. This happens because many people try to manage the anxiety of everyone in their family instead of their own. It would better serve them to look inside themselves and see how they’re managing and feeling, rather than being so concerned with others’ behaviors. When we lack a strong sense of self, we want to be and do what everyone in our family expects of us. Ignoring our own needs results in an experience of anxiety and discomfort whenever we’re surrounded by multiple family members at once.
Ask yourself, “What difference would it make if I held the belief that the people in my family can handle themselves?” Change happens when you shift the way you view a situation. Whenever an issue or argument arises in your family, do you get uncomfortable? Do you think you have to ease the situation and be the one to carry the conversation? Do you get uncomfortable when others get agitated? Then, when you can’t stand being with your family, do you believe the only solution is to distance yourself and ignore them? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you’re emotionally connected to others. This is normal, of course; however, there are ways you can better regulate your reactivity towards your family while staying emotionally connected to them.
By developing a sense of self, you build the ability to self-regulate and better manage your anxiety, which brings about changes that allow you to be less reactive to your family members; thus, your need for everything to go smoothly decreases, as do your expectations and feelings of distress.
Feeling less stressed around family is all about learning to manage your own part in your relationships with others, instead of trying to manage everyone else’s feelings. It means being part of your family while being able to control your own functioning at the same time. What a lot of us unknowingly do is adjust our internal functioning to help keep our family in harmony, which has adverse effects on how we feel about ourselves. By paying attention to your body, mind, and emotions when you’re interacting with your family, you become capable of balancing your co-occurring needs for togetherness and individuality.
Remember, you don’t have to always agree with your family.
Family is family; they can be a source of comfort or the main source of stress at times, but they’re still a big part of your life. We think that we should agree all the time and get along in order to be a nice, functional family. However, there’s no rule that says you have to get along with everyone in your family all the time. Being related doesn’t mean you’ll get along in every situation, share the same political views, or even enjoy each other’s company.
It’s a fantasy to assume that just because there’s a family event, you automatically have to become a picture-perfect family to enjoy it. You’re only responsible for yourself. So be kind and respectful, but don’t force yourself neglect your true views out of fear that someone else will have a different opinion. Be strong enough to excuse yourself if a conversation gets out of hand, and spend more time with your favorite cousins or siblings.
Remember, when a difficult family situation arises and anxiety is high, avoiding the issue and distancing from family isn’t particularly helpful. Work on being who you want to be, even when you’re around people who have different opinions or make annoying remarks; that includes responding in ways that are suitable for you and beneficial to your functioning and health.
How do you know you’re in love or that you have a crush? Probably you get a fluttery sensation in your stomach, aka, “you feel butterflies.” It’s a poetic image: a belly full of glittering monarchs and swallowtails that alight when your beloved walks into the room: but it’s more than just a moving metaphor; it’s a physical phenomenon that points to the profound tie between body and mind.
And it’s not just a jittery stomach. It’s usually also clammy palms, a racing heart and an inability to focus on anything but the apple of your eye. And the absence of these distinctly physical symptoms can be just as telling as their presence. I can recall plenty of first Internet dates that I went into optimistically (he sounded perfect in his profile!) only to return home disappointed. “I just didn’t feel anything,” I’d report to my friends. When I went on my second date with my now fiancé nearly five years ago, it was only because the thought of seeing him again made my heart skip a beat and I felt so nervous I couldn’t eat. My body did the talking and my mind listened.
The Butterflies Are Really About The Birds and The Bees
When I reached out to scientific experts for this story, I underscored that the focus was on a new romance or a crush rather than lust or passion. Turns out there’s no distinction, at least not when it comes to the brain. These swoony sensations we recognize as signs that we’re truly into someone are symptoms of sexual passion — not of undying devotion.
“One of the challenges that scientists face is that a lot of these [physical symptoms] are really consistent with sexual arousal and response,” says Dr. Nicole Prause, a psychophysiologist and the CEO of Liberos. “I think people want to hear it’s a higher calling or something like that, but the kinds of body changes in an early stage crush or infatuation look very much like someone easily sexually aroused.”
Daniel is a writer who focuses on blogging about happiness and motivation at Lifehack. Read full profile
- Pin it
I have felt unworthy of love for a lot of my life. A common question that replayed in my head during my high school years was:
“Why would anyone be interested in me?”
My relationship insecurity made me see problems where they didn’t exist, turning what could have been a successful relationship into a short-lived, dismal failure. Know the feeling?
If so, here are 7 ways on how to stop feeling insecure:
1. Stop thinking it is all about you.
A self-centered worldview will have you chasing boogeymen where they don’t exist. If your partner doesn’t feel like going out, don’t assume it is because of you when they just as easily could have had a really bad day at work that drained their energy.
Stop psycho-analyzing every word choice your partner makes and be more present in the moment so you can notice the message behind their tone, physical presence, and posture. Obsessing with hidden meanings is a sure-fire way to miss the point.
Don’t berate your partner for being too quiet, or continuously ask, “What are you thinking?” during every lapse of conversation. An overwhelming urge to fill every second of silence with needless words is a habit of an insecure person. Take your partner’s hand, breathe in, breathe out, and enjoy the silence together. Who says you can’t enjoy simply being with each other without words?
2. Stop psyching yourself out.
Your thoughts could be your relationship’s best friend or worst enemy. The quality of your thoughts has a direct effect on the quality of your relationship.
Have you ever found thinking negative thoughts like, “I know they’ll get sick of me someday,” or, “How could they love me?” These thoughts have little to do with reality but a lot to do with fear. In other words, the problem you are concerned with doesn’t exist—you invented it!
Any time you find yourself feeling insecure about your relationship, tell yourself, “The thing I’m worried about only exists in my head. I have full control.”
3. Stop lugging around all that baggage.
Ever been in a relationship so terrible that you would love to just wish it all away so you never have to think about it again? Join the club. You’ll be hard-pressed to find a person who doesn’t have a bit of baggage because this love thing is an unpredictable (and sometimes rocky) ride.
A little baggage is totally okay, but you need to lighten your load before jumping into any new relationship. Let go of any left-over hurtful feelings that might be lingering and realize that your new relationship is a new opportunity to put all of that behind you.
The lovely thing about life: you can re-start as many times as you need to!
4. Stop seeing things in black and white.
How do you react when someone blames you for something that you don’t think is your fault? Survey says: you get defensive.
Likewise, confronting your partner over a problem—no matter how obvious it may be to you—will most likely cause them to become defensive. This usually leads to a knock-down, drag-out fight that is the opposite of productive because you’re both too busy trying to prove you’re right to resolve your conflict.
If you have a problem, don’t immediately point the finger, but instead approach your partner with compassion and understanding. Be comfortable in the fact that neither of you is fully “right” or “wrong.” The true answer lies somewhere in the middle.
5. Stop feeling paranoid over nothing.
Let’s face it: we all talk to people of the opposite sex. Just because a boy and girl (or boy and boy, or girl and girl) are friends doesn’t mean there is more to the story.
Avoid the temptation to snoop your partner’s phone, Facebook messages, or email account. While this could temporarily calm your nerves when you see nothing afoul, it is also a behavior that could quickly become addictive, not to mention damaging for relationship trust when they find out Big Brother is watching.
6. Stop putting off uncomfortable conversations.
While conflict is stressful for your relationship in the short-term, it will build the strength of your relationship in the long-term.
Facing your problems without fear will help you grow closer to your partner. Never mince words with each other and you will develop trust so strong that you can tell your partner anything that is on your mind.
7. Stop being dependent on anyone but yourself.
Having someone to hug, kiss, cuddle, make love to, and share your life with is nothing short of wonderful. But before you march off into the sunset in search of love, you need to learn to love yourself.
Just like you shouldn’t invite a friend to your home while it’s a disorganized wreck, you shouldn’t invite a partner into your life while it is in disarray. Take care if your inner-house before you invite anyone else to it.
If you let go of insecurity, you can expect the side-effects of reduced stress and increased relationship satisfaction. If you’re still struggling with relationship security, try to get more guidance from this article:
Pain at the back of the lower leg, most commonly referred to as the calf, is mostly caused by muscle cramps or muscle strain. However, some other factors can cause calf pain and leg pain in general. Usually, when there is a sudden pain in your calf, you might feel a tear, a pop, or snapping.
Common symptoms that you may experience when you have calf pain, includes dull aches to sharp stabbing pains, swelling, fluid retention, stiffness and weakness around calf, redness, and difficulty in standing on your toes.
Table of Contents
Causes of Calf Pain
Calf pain can be caused by the contraction of muscles. This is usually a result of embarking on new workout routines, dehydration, or mineral deficiency. At other times, it might be due to some severe medical conditions which put pressure on the nerves. These include:
- Sciatic nerve pain (Sciatica)
- Compartment syndrome
- Neurogenic claudication
- Diabetic neuropathy
The main cause of neurogenic claudication is spinal stenosis. This rear disorder also known as pseudoclaudication, occurs when the nerve fibers that innervate the legs are compressed, irritated, or“pinched.” This compression causes the affected nerves to lose their nerve signaling capabilities to the lower limb. It usually occurs in the spinal column. Even while resting, the inflamed nerves proliferating from the spinal cord can still get inflamed.
Symptoms of neurogenic claudication
- Weakness in the calves
- Difficulty in climbing steps
Compartment syndrome is a life-threatening condition that occurs as a result of intense pressure in muscle cells. This pressure buildup causes a reduction in blood flow which reduces the amount of oxygen and nutrients supply to muscle cells and the nerves. The debilitating condition can either be acute or chronic.
Acute compartment syndrome is usually fatal. It is mostly caused by severe trauma and can lead to irreversible muscle damage if left untreated. Exertion compartment syndrome or chronic compartment syndrome, as it is fondly called, is as a result of athletic exertion.
Symptoms of compartment syndrome
- Burning or tingling sensation
- Tightness of muscle
- Intense pain
- Inability to move the foot/feet
- Bulging of muscles
The most frequently occurring neuropathy is nerve damage resulting from diabetes. This type of nerve dysfunction affects the upper and lower extremities. Diabetic neuropathy is a complication of diabetes which occurs as a result of inflammation of the nerves, exposure to high blood glucose and some hereditary factors.
Symptoms of diabetic neuropathy
- Immense pain
- Impairment of sensory functions
- Muscle weakness
- Loss of balance and coordination
- Muscle cramps
Injury to the sciatic nerve can result in the condition called sciatica. The sciatic nerve controls the muscles of the lower legs and back of the knee. Sciatica affects only half of the body. It occurs as a result of narrowing of the spine, bone spur or herniated disc compressing the sciatic nerve. It can also be caused by lumbar degenerative disc diseases, arthritis, osteophytes, or spondylolisthesis. There are three forms of sciatica which are namely:
- Sciatica from L4 nerve root
- Sciatica from L5 nerve root
- Sciatica from S1 nerve root
Symptoms of sciatica
- Pains and needle feeling
- Burning sensation
- Weakness in the legs
- Difficulty in emptying the bowel or bladder
Sciatica can be easily reversed; however, late intervention can cause permanent damage to the nerve.
The nerves of the body cross quite a number of joints in the body, these nerve fibers either slide or curve around the joints. At other times, they elongate and handle compression when there is movement in the body. Compression of these nerves sometimes leads to the restriction of blood flow.
Athletes and runners often complain about excruciating pain in their hamstrings or calves that never ever leaves. Often, most individuals usually feel nerve pain involves only “pins and needles,” numbness, or a painful feeling. Pain in the nerve usually called neural tension can imitate an ache in the muscle. At low levels, this tension causes stress and when the intensity of the tension of the nerves increases, it can cause damage. Sensitization of nerves to stress in some circumstances, like the existence of an inflammation, causes intense pain and discomfort.
When the movement of nerves is compromised, the tissues and muscles innervated by these nerves usually bear the brunt the impact. Nerve tension can be as a result of poor sitting or standing posture. Adverse neural tension, as it is commonly known as, can be caused by trauma to the soft tissues of the leg. If there is tear or strain on your hamstring, it might be due to neural tension. This condition can literally get on your nerves.
One of the ways to know if the pain in your hamstring or calf is caused by neural tension is via a process called structural differentiation. This procedure involves using some form of mobility to cause a certain level of pain, then moving the joint closest to the injured area away from the location of the pain. This is done to ease tension on the nerves in the affected region and see if the symptoms are reduced.
Treatment of Nerve Pain in the Calf
Most cases of nerve pain in the calf can be eased through at-home treatments while other cases might require medical intervention.
- Rest – Adequate rest and sleep are very important for recovery.
- Ice – Apply an ice-pack to the affected area every 10 minutes to ease the pain.
- Over-The-Counter Medications – Non-Steroidal Anti-Inflammatory drugs like Ibuprofen help to reduce the pain caused by damaged nerves in the calves.
- Stretching – Stretching not only helps to heal nerve pain but it also helps to prevent it. Try to stretch your calf from time to time to ensure that it stays healthy.
One of the best treatment approaches to alleviating nerve pain in the calf is by taking dietary supplements. Dietary supplements like Nerve Renew helps to reverse nerve damage while easing symptoms like pain and tingling which are associated with neuropathy.
Thanks to their superior ingredients—Methylcobalamin, stabilized R-Alpha lipoic acid, and Benfotiamine—it has been proven to fight neuropathy. It is also intriguing to know that this top-quality product is easily absorbed by the body and does not cause any adverse side effects.
By Elite Daily — Written on Mar 29, 2022
If you’ve been on the dating scene for a while now, you’ve likely experienced some general personality types—the geeky one, the basic bitch, the angsty emo, and the alpha female.
Sometimes—sadly—the alpha female is known as the “b*tchy one.” The alpha female can’t escape this stigma. She’s bossy, she’s dominant, she’s cold, and she’s threatening. So, don’t even bother.
If the alpha female has scared you off before, you’re not alone.
Believe it or not, there are different levels of alphas. So, the chances of having contact with one are very high. It may seem difficult to get through the alpha’s soft spot when she appears to have a hard outer shell. But, if you haven’t given her a chance you’re missing out.
The alpha female is usually successful, extremely independent, and intelligent. But, she’s also intimidating. Alpha females make great partners. They usually strive for greatness. They’re successful, loyal, passionate, know what they want, don’t bullsh*t around, and want their relationships to be the best—just like them.
11 Foolproof Ways To Win The Heart Of An Alpha Female
1. Make the decisions.
Whether it’s making dinner plans or choosing the movie, make sure to lead. You may get the impression that the alpha female wants it her way. But, in fact, she loves a man who takes control. Never dance around the idea of what she’ll like.
2. Be creative.
The alpha female feeds on creativity—she lives for her thirst for curiosity. Whether it’s the way you gift or dine, do it in a different way. You don’t need to follow the rules or go in order. The alpha female doesn’t like ordinary, because she’s far from that.
3. Stand your ground!
The alpha female can sniff out even a tiny amount of hesitation. Don’t go back on what you say just because she has a problem with it. It’s okay to disagree—even if she fights you on it. The alpha female likes someone who challenges her opinion. If you end up in a big argument, there’s always make-up sex.
4. Be wild in bed.
Make the rules in bed. Alpha females are naturally dominant in their demeanor, but nothing is hotter than having the rules change behind closed doors—she’s all yours.
5. Be patient.
She’s far from patient—when something ticks her off—she’s ready to explode. This can be tough to deal with. No one wants to be with someone who’s aggressive and gets angry easily. But, when you’re dealing with a person with lots of character and an authoritative nature you just have to deal.
No one is perfect. When she wants to put someone in his or her place—like the concierge who can’t find the reservation—give her space to calm her nerves. And don’t ever tell her to calm down.
6. Have your sh*t together.
You don’t necessarily need to be at the height of your career, but strive for something greater—if you haven’t already. To have someone who constantly seeks to be better is the hottest thing for an alpha female. She’s a woman with ambition. And she expects her man to be passionate about his work and goals in life.
7. Be ready for a challenge.
As I mentioned earlier, the alpha female strives for greatness. Her expectations are high. This can be complicated, because even if you’re doing your best it may not seem like it to her. She can come off as nagging, but teach her how to manage her expectations. She’s a dreamer—this is how you bring her back to earth.
8. Express yourself.
The alpha female comes across as unemotional, but this is mostly in the beginning stages. You may not think it’s correct to express yourself if she doesn’t reciprocate right away. But the more she trusts and opens her heart, the more her feelings for you will intensify, too.
9. Swallow your pride.
The alpha female—unfortunately—has a lot of this. If you can show her you can swallow your pride, she’ll learn that she can too.
“Be a voice not an echo.” – Albert Einstein
Want to overcome your stage fright for speeches and presentations? Here are 10 quick fixes to improve your focus and boost your confidence!
Twenty-two million Americans. That’s an estimate of the number of people in this country who suffer from fear of public speaking.
That figure represents a percentage of the 70-75 percent of people surveyed who report some level of glossophobia. 
That’s twenty-two million.
And then there’s the rest of the world.
If you’re a member of that congregation, wouldn’t you appreciate learning how to love public speaking instead?
Public speaking anxiety not only makes you miserable — it can limit your career. Read a chapter from the book that can help change your life : Fearless Speaking .
10 Ways to Deal with Fear of Public Speaking
Learning to love speaking in public may seem like a distant goal. But it’s actually closer than you think. As a first step, remind yourself that the topic you’re passionate about is most likely of interest to listeners. And they are listening, not thinking about you and your nerves (or even your speaking skills). Here are 10 “quick fixes” that you can use for even more practical approaches when stage fright comes to call.
#1 Get your head in the right place.
I’m going to start out with some tough love: It ain’t about you! Speech anxiety is unpleasant enough that you may focus on how awful you’re feeling instead of what really matters: the response of your audience. Put yourself in their shoes and think about what they’re hoping to get out of this presentation. You’ll be on the right wavelength, which is that of your audience.
#2 Belly breathe.
Modern life with all its gadgets and digital assistants makes it easy for you to become a “talking head,” which includes breathing shallowly and rapidly. The fight-or-flight response to social anxiety exacerbates this type of respiration cycle. To counter these habits, learn how to breathe diaphragmatically . Yes, it will help you to have a resonant voice; but it will also calm you and slow your heart rate.
#3 Turn that negative talk into positive thinking.
The longer you stay in negative territory concerning your response to public speaking, the more it will seem like home. We’re all experts at beating ourselves up through negative self-talk. Why not use positive thinking instead? Turn self-destructive statements around by flipping that negative mindset. Create a positive groove you can stay in.
#4 Stand straight and open up your chest.
Body language matters in terms of how confident you look! Try this: hunch your shoulders slightly; now stand straight, allowing your chest area to come forward as your shoulders drop into their natural position. Doesn’t that feel better? You certainly will look more professional!
Do you want to be an influential speaker? Then get your body into the act! Download my Free White Paper , The Body Language Rules: 12 Ways to Be a More Powerful Speaker.
#5 Let go of intrusive thoughts.
Focus is one of your most important tools when it comes to reaching and engaging audiences. But you’re human, which means off-the-grid thoughts will intrude when you don’t want them to. Learn not to engage these thoughts or resist them—instead, notice them, then let them float away! Come back to your message and its reception. Here’s how to stay focused.
#6 Greet your audience. And smile.
One of the most effective ways to have a relationship with an audience is to take a moment to allow that to happen. You do that in your greeting. Here’s how to start strong by giving your audience a greeting they’ll remember. Invest yourself in this moment, letting listeners know that you really enjoy being there. Again, you too will feel it!
#7 Talk . . . don’t present.
Edward Everett was the at-the-time famous orator who delivered a two-hour address at Gettysburg in 1863. But we remember the other guy—the one who gave the two-minute speech known as the Gettysburg Address. Since then, speeches public and private have been getting more conversational. Your need to calm your nerves come from the thought that you’re there to GIVE A SPEECH. But you’ll really just be talking to some people. Sounds enjoyable, doesn’t it?
#8 Visualize a successful outcome.
Athletes, chess grandmasters, and theoretical physicists use positive visualization, and you should too. In other words, help yourself create a successful presentation! It just makes sense: the more time and effort you spend anticipating positive outcomes, the better prepared you’ll be to respond that way in the real situation.
#9 Turn the spotlight around.
This too is a visualization technique. Speaking in public can feel like standing alone in a hot bright spotlight. There, every move you make can add to the feeling that you’re naked and vulnerable. So in your mind, turn the spotlight around. Now you’re in the cool dark and the spotlight is on the audience. After all, aren’t you supposed to “illuminate” listeners?
Ever feel like you’re in a pressure cooker when speaking to a group? Need to know how to think on your feet when speaking under pressure? With speaking nerves comes the release of stress hormones that are telling you to fight the threat or get away fast. If you stand stock-still, the pressure will just build. So move! It’s all part of my secrets of body language for powerful public speaking!
 Gary Genard, Fearless Speaking (Arlington, MA: Cedar & Maitland Press, 2014), 217, citing Karen Kangas Dwyer, Conquer Your Speechfright (Fort Worth: Harcourt Brace, 1998), 3-12, per McCroskey, 1993, and Richmond & McCroskey, 1995.
This article was originally published in 2016. It is updated here.
You should follow me on Twitter here.
Gary Genard is an actor, author, and expert in theater-based public speaking training. His company, Boston-based The Genard Method uses performance techniques to help business executives, leadership teams, and professionals embody presence and confidence to achieve true influence. In 2020 for the seventh consecutive year, Gary has been ranked by Global Gurus as one of The World’s Top 30 Communication Professionals. He is the author of How to Give a Speech . His second book, Fearless Speaking, was recently named as “One of the 100 Best Confidence Books of All Time.” Contact Gary here.
Pain and numbness in your pelvis? LetвЂ™s talk pudendal nerve neuralgia.
If you have pudendal nerve neuralgia we donвЂ™t need to tell you have painful it is. If youвЂ™re reading this and wondering if this is what youвЂ™re experiencing, simply put itвЂ™s shooting or stabbing pain anywhere along the nerve that goes from the bottom of your spine out into your pelvic floor. It can come and go, or be a constant (ouch) pain.
WhatвЂ™s the pudendal nerve?
The pudendal nerve is a complex one, so thereвЂ™s no easy definition. But weвЂ™ll try. ItвЂ™s a really big nerve running behind your pelvis to the base of your vagina to the pelvic floor and acts like the messenger between your brain and genitals (and controls your sphincter muscles).
It wraps and weaves itself in and out of the muscles and structures of your pelvis, so thereвЂ™s plenty of opportunities for it to get janky.
HereвЂ™s the complexity. It has three threads known as fibres which do three different things. Not only does it have motor fibres, which make your muscles do the things, and sensory fibres, which collect information to keep an eye on the body’s internal and external conditions, it also has autonomic fibers which act pretty much outside of your awareness.
ItвЂ™s thanks to the autonomic fibers of the pudendal nerve (thanks) that our pelvic floor muscles keep a degree of tone. This keeps us from running to the toilet right after a lunch date.
What are the symptoms of pudendal nerve neuralgia?
Pudendal nerve neuralgia can have some pretty erky symptoms that can be localised as well as feel like something more emotional.
Symptoms can include:
- Pain in the genitals or perineum (sharp, stabbing, prickling or shooting sensations)
- Burning pain in pelvic area and lower back
- Pain in the buttocks, legs and feet
- Numbness or pins and needles
- Increased sensitivity
- Dyspareunia (painful sex)
- A feeling that thereвЂ™s swelling or something lodged in your perineum (hot poker anyone?)
- Constantly needing to go to the bathroom
And, because of the complexity of the nerve pathways in that area sometimes people have uneasy feelings when their pain spikes which can feel similar to an anxiety attack.
These symptoms include:
- increase in heart rate
- rise in blood pressure
- agitation and anxiety
If youвЂ™re experiencing any of these symptoms, we encourage you to chat to your doctor or get some advice from your pelvic physiotherapist. DonвЂ™t be shy with asking your specialist for help (they hear it all the time). Getting to the bottom of the symptoms means can start mapping out a plan for your recovery, and getting back to enjoying your life pain free.
We really get how youвЂ™re feeling about your pudendal nerve neuralgia diagnosis, as our own Emma (Founder of Pelvic Hub) has her own lived experience. Your pelvic floor is in great hands (pun intended).
What causes it?
Our pudendal nerve is meant to flow through our pelvic region вЂ“ the muscles, tissue and spaces between our joints вЂ“ like a key fitting into a well oiled lock. It doesnвЂ™t stretch like our muscles. So when the muscles around it are tight, thereвЂ™s joint dysfunction, or connective tissue issues, the pudendal nerve doesnвЂ™t like it. It gets irritated and stuck in the lock, rather than gliding through with ease.
Here are some of the most common reasons why irritation to the pudendal nerve happens:
- Childbirth – it can be irritated from over stretching in delivery
- Pelvic surgery
- Hip surgery
- Bone breakage in the pelvic area
- A growth (cancerous or non-cancerous) putting pressure on the pudendal nerve
- Neural sensitivity and ischemia
- Aggravating factors such as repetitive yeast or bacterial infections can sensitize the nerve
- Vulvodynia, and IC
- Nearby muscle or tissue compressing the pudendal nerve
- Over time, activities such as sitting, horse-riding or cycling, as well as constipation, can irritate the pudendal nerve
We have purpose-made products to help you take care of your pudendal nerve neuralgia
Pain associated with pudendal nerve neuralgia can be managed with our purpose-made products and some adjustments to your daily life. Like all of the conditions mentioned here at The Pelvic Hub, we encourage you to chat to your doctor or pelvic physiotherapist ASAP and get treatment and a self management plan. Getting to the bottom of your symptoms is the first and most important step towards healing.
Avoid or modify certain activities
First things first. We need to calm down the affected area and modify some of your activity. Yes, (sigh), it might mean reducing or even taking out some activities you LOVE like cycling or lights-out disco dancing.
Some of the most irritating activities for a pudendal nerve are:
- trampoline jumping
- bench pressing
- excessive core muscles exercises
- bicycling (or any repetitive activity where you bring your knee towards your chest AKA hip flexion)
These are activities to swap out in the meantime:
- walking (may need to stick to more flat terrain walking as inclines can also be irritating)
- upper body exercises
- gliding exercises
You might also need to change how you have sex (why not) so we encourage you to try different positions. Also, ask your pelvic floor physiotherapist if they have any recommendations for new positions. DonвЂ™t be shy – theyвЂ™re used to handling intimate questions with sensitivity and professionalism.
Manage your sitting
Learning good toilet habits also means working on your posture, position and breathing so youвЂ™re avoiding pushing and straining as much as possible. Because straining can lead to haemorrhoids, nerve damage and even prolapse (yikes).
So whatвЂ™s a good position? The Continence Foundation of Australia recommends getting into a squat position where your knees are higher than your hips (a stool can help), leaning forward with your elbows on your knees, straightening your spine, relaxing and letting your tummy settle onto your thighs. We recommend a good mag and relaxed breathing.
Embrace the power of heat and cold
We all know thereвЂ™s nothing better than a little slice of warmth or soothing cold when youвЂ™re feeling uncomfortable. We love ParidayвЂ™s TendHer reusable feminine pads, because they can be warmed up or cooled depending on your needs. The best part is you can wear them whenever you want and nobody has to know.
WeвЂ™re also big fans of the EndoFEMM therapy pad, which is like a warm and cosy hug for your pelvis.
Remove the discomfort of sitting down
Relieving pressure on the pelvic floor can help ease the pain associated with pudendal nerve neuralgia. If youвЂ™re experiencing nerve pain (or even any other pelvic floor dysfunction symptoms), youвЂ™ll want to add a cushion to your arsenal of pain-relieving tools to make sitting down less of a pain.
I’m an adult and I still get a weird knot in my stomach whenever I think about my crush. The worst part about liking someone is when you’re stuck that in-between stage where you simultaneously praise рџ™Њ and overanalyze рџ•µ every little thing he does. I’m always afraid that I’m reading the signals wrong or that my interest in him is clouding my crush-o-meter.
Shaking off your nerves and building the confidence to just ask him out is hard, especially if you’ve been friends for awhile now. You spend most of your time together but still can’t figure out how he really feels. What if you confess and things become awkward рџђў between the two of you? What if it ruins your friendship? Even though pushing these questions to the back burner is easier said than done, coming up with a game plan is key if you’re interested in exploring things further. There are subtle hints that you can look out for that will point you in the right direction. If he does any of these things, he may like you more than you think рџ‰рџ.
1 He’ll Use Any Excuse to Touch You рџ‘«
It doesn’t matter how far apart you’re both standing, he’ll find some way to make physical contact with you. It could be a gentle shoulder pat when he’s laughing at something you said that was hilarious, tucking your hair behind your ear or pulling you in for a hug. When you guys are walking, his hand always manages to brush against yours.
2 His Eyes рџ‘Ђ Track You from across the Room
Picture this. You’re talking to mutual friends at a party. When you look up, you make direct eye contact and it is INTENSE. A few hours have passed and he is still looking in your direction even though he’s in a deep conversation with someone else. It’s almost as if he is subconsciously checking that you’re still there.
Valentines day dress
7 Makeup Tricks for Different Face Shapes .
3 His Body Language Mimics Yours рџ‘Љ
If a guy is really into you, he’s more likely to mirror you. Exhibit A: When you’re showing him that funny video on your phone, he leans in when you do. Exhibit B: You noticed that when you grab coffee в• together, you both always take a sip and put your mugs down at the exact same time.
4 He Points His Feet рџ‘Ј towards You
It’s true, you can tell a lot about a guy’s feelings based on something as simple as where his feet are positioned. If his feet are always pointed in your direction, not only is he genuinely interested in what you have to say, he is also subtly trying to close the space between you. In season 2 of New Girl, Zooey Deschanel and Jake Johnson nail a hilarious skit pre-Nick-and-Jess where she notices that his feet always face hers and she actively tries to avoid them.
5 He’ll Find Ways to Be around You. All. of. the. Time рџ™Њ
These days, it seems like you have plans together more often than not. Sometimes, it feels like you see him more than your girlfriends. Not that you’re complaining рџ‰рџЏ.
6 He’s Always in Your Space рџ’рџ’Ў
At parties, he kind of orbits around you and is usually just a few feet away. When you’re on your line to see your favorite band, you turn around and he’s super close.
7 He Remembers Any Important Dates рџ“… You Mention – Big or Small – and Saves Them on His Phone
On your birthday, he never fails to call or text you at midnight so he can be the first person to wish you a happy birthday. He knows when your test or your big presentation at work is coming up and gets you a small gift to calm your nerves.
8 He’ll Ask You a Thousand Questions рџ™‹вЃ‰пёЏ about Yourself
He really pays attention to every little detail about you and hangs on to your every word. This means that he genuinely wants to get to know you.
9 He Thinks Everything You Say is Hilarious рџ‚ – Even when Your Jokes Fall Flat рџ’Ґ
Half of the time, you can’t tell if your joke really WAS that funny or if he’s humoring you. Watching him throw his head back or how his eyes crinkle at the corners, you realize that you don’t really mind as long as you get to see his reaction, over and over again рџЌ.
Please rate this article
Delphinium Type your message here
Tiana that you’re not going to text first, so maybe he’ll end up texting you first this time if he really wants to talk to you
Tiana @Asha Nikita yeah never text a guy first, that’s what I do. if this guy really wants to talk to you, he’ll text you first. also because you’ve been texting him first, let him text you first this time, it might take a while for this guy to get the hint
Tiana @Kassidy tell him straight out girl! you’re going to have to tell him one day?
Asha I like this guy and we talk but he only text when he is bored and wants to talk and I always end up texting first is this a no go??
Kassidy I like this guy but I don’t have any courage to tell him what do I do?
Connie He’s using you as a little sumtin sumtin on the side.
Tiana But today I’ve came to the realisation that I actually do like him !?
Tiana Girls, I need your opinion on this. Soo, like I talk to this guy. but he’s got a girlfriend рџ and we’ve been talking for a while now and we’ve become so close and all. I’ve tried convincing myself that I don’t like him.
Ally Story of my life ! I always question things and I try soo hard not to !
Cassandra @Ally, Girl, we’ve all been there! 🙂